Weeping...and waiting for Morning.

The weeping continues...off and on.....as I push forward.....and try to map out the rest of the Spring....Jaden has auditioned for a play, and tonight begins Eason's t-ball season. I am so thankful to have them...to dive deep into their lives, pray for them.  They continue to make me laugh, and they continue to help me make it through the day. 


 However, the only place I want to be is under the arm of my husband.  This is such a new feeling.  I have always loved him. But I have also always been extremely independent.  Even in crisis and sadness, I have usually watched myself draw from many others' strength. I usually tend to process information and thoughts as a way to grieve or heal. I have not ever found myself in the position of needing the actual physical closeness of another human being for security.   

He has been amazing this week. Crying and holding me...fixing breakfast for the kids, talking about the fears and anxieties of the future, preparing to go back to work.  He and Jaden had planned a hike for last Saturday to do Rainbow Falls in the Smokies. She had really been looking forward to the daddy time. Since his job gave him the week off, they were able to go yesterday. 

What an important trip..proclaiming that she was valuable, that she was secure and loved, that she could be listened to.  

And now, after several deaths in the family, miscarriage and even financial hardships, not to mention 6 years of marriage, I find myself unable to stand on my own two feet.  






As I write, Will is at Home Depot, a trip he wanted to make alone to fix a few things at home....I reluctantly agreed to stay home while Eason napped, but I am desperate for him to come home. He has been gone only 30 minutes.  I am smothering him.....quite literally. I know he would say I am not, and that he is there for me..whatever I need. I know that he needs the space, the distraction, the movement out from under the weeping.  I want him to have that.....but it is so hard to be away from him.  


If nothing else comes from this trial in our lives, there will be glory given to the Lord in our marriage. I resolve to never forget the grace that my Will has given me in this....the amount of Love and Thankfulness that I feel for him in this season.  I choose to love him every day......for what he has been to me, through the good and the bad, sickness and health, poorer and....poorer........I choose to glorify the Lord in this marriage...even if I had NO idea what I was really promising in those vows as I stood- a broken and bleary-eyed 22 year old- to promise him my wholeness.  I vow again to love him continuously..... and to learn how to do it without smothering him.


God grant me the strength to even attempt such a vow. 

daddy loves Jaden