It is midnight and I am wide awake.
I always wonder at times like these if the Lord is keeping me awake for a reason....does He want to meet me here?
I lie in bed.. Trying to sleep, trying not to dream, trying to pray, playing the occasional scrabble game on my phone....
The date on my phone switches when the hour strikes 12....
Today is March 31st.... Branson's due date.
Of course, it changed a few times, April 3rd, April 1st...
I have never put much faith in due dates...they seem a little silly, actually.
But, snuggled here tonight, I cannot help but weep for missing her. She should be here. I should be miserable, achy, begging for sleep,for new life. I should spend the month of April fantastically happy, sleep deprived, breastfeeding, basking in the glow of oohing and ahhing visitors, kissing toes...
I miss her. I can remember her face, smell her skin, remember how she felt in my arms... And I miss her, more tonight than ever.
Such a feeling should make me doubt that God is good-that He ever loved me, loved her.
Yet, this, now, crumpled and broken, arguing with Him in the dead of night- is the most loved I have ever felt...
"blessed are those who mourn"
I am blessed to know that Branson's due date falls on my birthday. Knowing that she rests with the Lord today and celebrates life. Feel love today from the Father, from your family, from your friends, and from Branson.
ReplyDeleteI am blessed to know that Branson's due date is my birthday. I know that she is resting in the Father's arms this morning and rejoicing with life. Feel the love from your family, your friends, and from your Father today- soak it in and embrace the wind and press in to it.
ReplyDeleteI am a first time dad, and my baby is due on April 26th of this month... But in a forum several women were wondering how you are doing... They posted your blog and I decided to come take a look. After reading your blog I wanted to share with you my testimony that families can be together forever. I know some day you will be with your little one again. Our heavenly father loves you. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThis is just heart-breakingly beautiful!!!! I relate so much to how you're feeling, and am praying for continued peace, healing, and clarity.
ReplyDelete