Can we fast forward......?

 It would be nice to be able to know when the rushes of emotion were coming.... It is hard to have them just hit you when you are not expecting it.  It is even worse to spend all day expecting it.


I feel like I am wearing a pair of dark sunglasses.  Anything that might normally be alright or even just a tad disappointing has a tendency to be felt deeply, and can bring a wave of sadness or loss that is almost unbearable. At the same time, I am afraid that those same dark glasses keep me from seeing the brightest parts of each day...each hour, really.  I don't wanna live the months ahead with everything being the same melancholy shade of gray.

eason and Jaden with Branson's temporary marker

My sweet Ashley said last night, "Don't you just want to fast forward?"  The simple answer is Yes....


I have lost a baby before...at 10 weeks. Her name was Amelia.....Are you surprised I haven't spoken of her yet? I am....ashamed almost.  What kind of mother fails to mention the daughter she also lost while grieving the other?  Why do I feel the guilt of moving on from the loss of her.... was it having my Eason that finally closed the door to that pain.  Would it have ever gone away had I not had him?  Will this pain ever go away without filling my arms again with a child?


I have felt the loss before, and even when my dad died suddenly I remember the ache.....But it did settle over time...My God was faithful and he has taught me in the last 5 years more about loss than I ever cared to learn...However, through those times He continued to prepare me, teach me, bless me.....and because of that experience and knowledge of my Father God, I am able to KNOW that there is an end to this level of sorrow.... My heart and Spirit know that that is true....


But, I am aching to fast forward to that point......to be able to stand in the Peace that Passes Understanding.....