..so we fix our eyes on not what is seen.....

If You are who you say you are, why did You not do what I know You can do....


If You are the Healer and Great Physician, why did You not heal.......


If You love us, want our devotion and faith, why did You not Love us by Blessing our devotion and faith......


Why, Lord.......




Are you stuck here with me........These are the questions that swirl late in the night....when I awake suddenly or even today as I did laundry.
It was so easy to believe in Him 5 months ago, as I began to see my belly swell....when I found that I would share the week of my delivery with two dear friends, when we told Jaden Lily over Cracker Barrel breakfast, when I was blessed to hear the news that my three dear "sisters" were due within months of me......as we dreamed of finding out if this baby was really the little girl Will had hoped for.


Today, it isn't as easy.  He is the same God He was those months ago, and I love Him today just the same.  It is so hard to end a discussion with "I don't know" or "Fine"....that is how I have been ending my heart's discussions with the Lord.  They are something like this:


God, You said if I asked in Your name......
It isn't fair( as I pack away the quilt I made her, the mobile from her room)
You said to trust You.
I wanted people to see You, Lord...What a miracle You could have done. They would have believed, Lord.  You could have shown yourself.  
Why did you not?  
I. Don't. Know.


and sometimes even:


How could I ever really trust you again.  
How am I supposed to feel that there is a bigger picture when all You let me see is the incomprehensible mystery that is Your will.
How do I know that I didn't just fail this test and trial you gave us.
I don't WANT to be an example of faith, testament to the faithfulness of the Lord, write a book, give advice, tell my story. I WANT my baby.
FINE.


There is much left unseen......and I am not sure the light gets brighter. I can't even be sure that this isn't just the beginning of a bigger, more heartbreaking trial. Could this be the beginning of many losses. Could we be headed towards the loss of yet another child? Is this the beginning of an empty feeling I will continue to have because we will have no more? Who can say that this will get lighter, better over time.....I do not pretend to see what is unseen.....


The past few days I have watched my children like a hawk, tended bumped heads like they were ER emergencies and worried at the slightest tummy ache. The realization that they are HIS and that at any moment He may take them home has been almost unbearable.  How do I balance respect of His will and not live my life in fear of it just the same.....


I have to release it...release it all before it attacks my body with bitterness.  As I struggle to pack away her things, make boxes of maternity clothes, pacifiers and baby blankets, I am struck with the realization that I am physically holding my breath as if unable to breathe in what is happening.  Will I not feel the same when I look at the boxes piled in the basement. Will I become obsessed with it?


So I am here standing at the edge of the woods, knowing she is no longer lost in them, yet unable to leave the edge...the edge where I stood believing, trusting, gathered in the arms of My Father....willing to follow Him anywhere......I wish I did not have to follow Him deep into them but I did. And He did heal her..... in the unseen.....

Therefore, We do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes on not what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternal.

II Corinthians 4:16-18