The Loss of Branson....

We had been told, on Monday the 21st that Branson's umbilical cord was not functioning properly...on top of everything else. This increased her risk of passing away, and she was not big enough at around 4 lbs, to be delivered with her complications. So again, we came home to wait until the following Wednesday when we could have the amnio. That was a full 9 days away, and too long to go without confirmation that she was ok. I made a Thursday appointment with my OB who totally understood my need to come in.  On that Tuesday night, I clearly felt Branson kick, and so did Will and Jaden Lily.  Jaden laughed and laughed....
My mom was also at the house, and before she left that night she was also able to feel her move and rub her little rump that seemed to be right under my ribs.  It was a beautiful evening and looking back, so intentional.  
The following day was Wednesday, the 23rd, my Grannie, Rubye Pearl's, would-be 85th birthday. She passed away last year.  I believe that Branson went to be with Jesus this day......and that my Grannie scooped her up and said, "now, then"......
For, by the time we went to our Thursday appointment, her heartbeat was gone.


They had us come back in at midnight to begin the induction and we came home to be with the kids, prepare them for the days to come and rest.


My regular OB, who had delivered both of my children and had walked bravely through life with us, was out with a serious illness, and we were not really sure who would be present for delivery. This list of unknowns was just God's way of providing sweet blessings for us. My long time friend was able to come and be my labor and delivery nurse. She had been following Branson's story and was such a comfort to us. We also had the tender care of a new doctor, one we had only met a few hours before who ended up delivering Branson and was one of the most gentle, precious men I had ever met. Our specialist and his partner were also present, constantly checking on us.  It was truly a gift and blessing to receive such intimate care.

As far as delivery goes, God was ever-present and merciful. After asking for two more heartbeat confirmations, I chose to have an epidural and they were more than willing to make me very comfortable. I did not have any pitocin and things were much more comfortable...even if it did take a while.  The first part of labor was very long, but very peaceful. God took the last half of labor and condensed it to less than an hour....and completely intervened in her delivery. It was the calmest, easiest physical labor I have experienced, witnessed or even heard of.
This was my prayer in the last few hours before coming back to the hospital...that He would be merciful to me and to Will in delivery.....and He most definitely was.

She was delivered whole and beautiful, and Will cut her cord.  My friend and nurse had made a beautiful baby bow hat from the newborn caps and the doctor was intent on being the one to place it on her head, pray with her and then hand her to us.  Will's parents, my mom, my friend, and I spent over an hour with her, worshiping, praying, kissing her, loving on her and holding on to each other.  She was beautiful. Her lips were perfect and red, and we could not get over how lovely and breathtakingly beautiful they were.  She looked just like she was sleeping.  We even noticed some dark brown curly hair.  Through tears, sobs, and a lot of worship and praise, we let her go with the nurse to clean her up, dress her, weigh her and bring her back so our precious Jaden Lily could spend some time with her and hold her.

My friend, who is a photographer, came and went with Branson while she received her first bath, and was dressed in a beautiful hand-made crocheted gown and bonnet made by an elderly hospital volunteer. It was precious.  When she came back to us, we were able to really stop and be in the presence of the Lord....we held her, we loved and kissed her. Will needed time with her...I had carried her, he had not.  He needed more time with her than either of us had anticipated.  Jaden came, and crawled up in the bed with me, held her.  She had questions like "why?" but kept saying how beautiful her nose and lips were.  She said she felt like Branson was smiling....It was a beautiful moment between two sisters.....After another hour or so, the funeral director came to get her.  Will held her and met him at the door to our room.  The funeral director had planned on walking her down, but Will wanted to take her down himself. So he walked her out of the hospital...and with much difficulty finally placed her in the hands of a willing and gracious man who would then prepare her for her burial. Will returned broken and crumbling to the room.  We decided to stay the night in the hospital instead of trying to head home late.


The night was restful, and Will wrote out what he wanted to say at her burial. I have posted it on here, and he was able to express it beautifully at her burial yesterday.  


Her burial is another entry....later, when I have processed the amount of love and the outpouring of generosity that we experienced yesterday......
I will also post some pictures soon.  
Most of all, I am overwhelmed by the sadness and emptiness that seems to linger quietly in my throat.....it stays......and there is this unbearable fear that it will never leave.  My experience says that it won't, but the terror of that possibility is present. Continue to pray pray pray pray.