The Loss of Branson....

We had been told, on Monday the 21st that Branson's umbilical cord was not functioning properly...on top of everything else. This increased her risk of passing away, and she was not big enough at around 4 lbs, to be delivered with her complications. So again, we came home to wait until the following Wednesday when we could have the amnio. That was a full 9 days away, and too long to go without confirmation that she was ok. I made a Thursday appointment with my OB who totally understood my need to come in.  On that Tuesday night, I clearly felt Branson kick, and so did Will and Jaden Lily.  Jaden laughed and laughed....
My mom was also at the house, and before she left that night she was also able to feel her move and rub her little rump that seemed to be right under my ribs.  It was a beautiful evening and looking back, so intentional.  
The following day was Wednesday, the 23rd, my Grannie, Rubye Pearl's, would-be 85th birthday. She passed away last year.  I believe that Branson went to be with Jesus this day......and that my Grannie scooped her up and said, "now, then"......
For, by the time we went to our Thursday appointment, her heartbeat was gone.


They had us come back in at midnight to begin the induction and we came home to be with the kids, prepare them for the days to come and rest.


My regular OB, who had delivered both of my children and had walked bravely through life with us, was out with a serious illness, and we were not really sure who would be present for delivery. This list of unknowns was just God's way of providing sweet blessings for us. My long time friend was able to come and be my labor and delivery nurse. She had been following Branson's story and was such a comfort to us. We also had the tender care of a new doctor, one we had only met a few hours before who ended up delivering Branson and was one of the most gentle, precious men I had ever met. Our specialist and his partner were also present, constantly checking on us.  It was truly a gift and blessing to receive such intimate care.

As far as delivery goes, God was ever-present and merciful. After asking for two more heartbeat confirmations, I chose to have an epidural and they were more than willing to make me very comfortable. I did not have any pitocin and things were much more comfortable...even if it did take a while.  The first part of labor was very long, but very peaceful. God took the last half of labor and condensed it to less than an hour....and completely intervened in her delivery. It was the calmest, easiest physical labor I have experienced, witnessed or even heard of.
This was my prayer in the last few hours before coming back to the hospital...that He would be merciful to me and to Will in delivery.....and He most definitely was.

She was delivered whole and beautiful, and Will cut her cord.  My friend and nurse had made a beautiful baby bow hat from the newborn caps and the doctor was intent on being the one to place it on her head, pray with her and then hand her to us.  Will's parents, my mom, my friend, and I spent over an hour with her, worshiping, praying, kissing her, loving on her and holding on to each other.  She was beautiful. Her lips were perfect and red, and we could not get over how lovely and breathtakingly beautiful they were.  She looked just like she was sleeping.  We even noticed some dark brown curly hair.  Through tears, sobs, and a lot of worship and praise, we let her go with the nurse to clean her up, dress her, weigh her and bring her back so our precious Jaden Lily could spend some time with her and hold her.

My friend, who is a photographer, came and went with Branson while she received her first bath, and was dressed in a beautiful hand-made crocheted gown and bonnet made by an elderly hospital volunteer. It was precious.  When she came back to us, we were able to really stop and be in the presence of the Lord....we held her, we loved and kissed her. Will needed time with her...I had carried her, he had not.  He needed more time with her than either of us had anticipated.  Jaden came, and crawled up in the bed with me, held her.  She had questions like "why?" but kept saying how beautiful her nose and lips were.  She said she felt like Branson was smiling....It was a beautiful moment between two sisters.....After another hour or so, the funeral director came to get her.  Will held her and met him at the door to our room.  The funeral director had planned on walking her down, but Will wanted to take her down himself. So he walked her out of the hospital...and with much difficulty finally placed her in the hands of a willing and gracious man who would then prepare her for her burial. Will returned broken and crumbling to the room.  We decided to stay the night in the hospital instead of trying to head home late.


The night was restful, and Will wrote out what he wanted to say at her burial. I have posted it on here, and he was able to express it beautifully at her burial yesterday.  


Her burial is another entry....later, when I have processed the amount of love and the outpouring of generosity that we experienced yesterday......
I will also post some pictures soon.  
Most of all, I am overwhelmed by the sadness and emptiness that seems to linger quietly in my throat.....it stays......and there is this unbearable fear that it will never leave.  My experience says that it won't, but the terror of that possibility is present. Continue to pray pray pray pray.

Words from Will

Lord today we lay to rest our sweet wonderful baby girl 

Branson. We know that she is wrapped in your arms and we 

give you all the glory. You are an awesome and merciful 

almighty God. Through these past few weeks your grace and 

mercy has been evident. You have put many family, friends, 

and even people we have never met in our lives praying, 

supporting, and sacrificing their time and energy for us. So 

yes, Lord, your presence is clear and we praise you Lord and 

give You all the glory. Amen Amen. We will stand firm in your 

ways Lord. Branson, I love you so much and you are my 

beautiful baby girl and I am so thankful for the time I got to 

hold and Kiss your precious face, and I can't wait to see you 

again one glorious day. Lord I know Your ways are not our 

ways and we will stand firm in our faith because without 

You, Father, we are truly lost. Our time on this earth is but a 

breath and I pray You will continue to show us Your purpose 

and ways through our faithfulness. God, Father, Lord, Daddy: You are 

good all the time...all the time You are good. 

We LOVE Branson.

Burial arrangements

So much left to say and express, and I will as soon as I am able to find some silence to write. In the meantime, I wanted all of our friends and family to know the details of Branson's burial. Anyone wishing to come is welcome, as we have all been on this journey together... It seems fitting to have each of you there. I understand it may be difficult, especially with kids, and we understand your decision either way. It will be Tomorrow, Sunday at 3:00 pm at Greenwood Cemetery in Fountain City. Thank you so much for loving us and for passionately and selflessly loving her.

A favor......

I have asked Will if he would like to write a post on here, and although he has been quite verbal, he isn't ready for it to be in print.........We are thoroughly different processors...in fact, we practically failed our pre-marital compatibility test....even with us unknowingly TRYING to match our answers......
Anyway.... I am asking for extra prayer for him.....For coping and comfort, but more importantly for the ability to feel the intimacy of God as we walk this road....to be swept into His arms fully........
Thanks for everything....

Deep Breath.....

ok, so if this post is void of medical information, it is because I have purposely been vague and general in my description.  This is for me, not for you....because, honestly, I cannot bring myself to type out certain things.  
The specialist was unimpressed, if you will, with her condition and maturation. She has not gained over the 4 lbs she was about a week and 1/2 ago.....This could be due to the low blood flow they found today through the umbilical cord.  Her kidneys and bladder were the same, and the brain fluid was similar if not larger.  Her arms and legs are the same, and her measurements indicate she is 2-3 weeks behind in size.  Because of the compounding of issues, he still feels very strongly that there is a good chance she does not survive until delivery.  I am 34 weeks 1 day today, they will do the amnio to check for lung maturation next wednesday and possibly proceed with the c-section the following week of March 7.  


The prognosis spectrum after birth is just as complicated and grim according to the doctors.  This also could include many hour to hour decisions that Will and I have to make.....


This is no time to fudge on honesty, and I do not plan to.  I am simply at a loss for where the Lord is leading us.  I asked Jaden today if she had any questions and her response was "none that you can answer."  She is right, because her question was "why..." I got nothing.....except for reminding her that where I was, curled in the lap of the Father, is where He has desired me be for a very long time......This answer isn't good enough when you are 9.


I am so physically pregnant at this point that there isn't a second that goes by where I am not reminded of her presence.  There is a constant shortness of breath that is caused by a combination of her feet in my ribs and my lungs being on the verge of tears anyway.  I stand screaming at the search and rescue team that she is "lost in the woods!!!" and they do all they can to search......and they are weary....and I am weary.  At this point in the rescue many are understandably ready to move on to plan B.......I am not.


It is difficult to balance my trust in my wonderful doctors and what they "see" and my Faith in the Father and what is not seen.  I continue to "visionate" the scans in my head as clean and perfect, her at delivery: crying for life, moving her limbs, taking deep and perfect breaths and the best thing: eye contact......There IS no other prayer to have.


I am reminded of Abraham pleading for Sodom and Gomorrah.  
Genesis 18:25


He begged the Lord over and over that if he found just 50 righteous, could the Lord spare the city.. God agreed...then he begged Him down to 45, 40...all the way down to 10.....and even when there were not 10 righteous men, God still honored Abraham's faith and sent 2 angels to rescue just a few men......so here I am, doing the same. 


Lord, keep her heart beating.
Not just that, but let her grow.
And Lord, also, move her limbs.
And Lord I beg you to heal her bladder and kidneys....
And Lord, not just those things, but heal her brain, so she can survive and thrive.
And another thing Lord, heal her brain so that she knows, feels, reasons, loves and decides for herself to follow you.
And Lord, this is the last thing.....Heal her quickly so we may love and enjoy her.


It won't be the last thing I plead with the Lord for...the prayers of this mother are only beginning......they will be long and intentional and often.

Branson's hands in prayer position......

OB appt today

Today's appointment was quick and uneventful. We did see Branson's face.. She was moving and actually had the hiccups.... She also had a good heartbeat and had managed to turn herself breech again...I had some big kicks last night, so I am just fine with her being breech.. The more I feel the better.
There were no in-depth measurements done, but there was still fluid on her brain. She also still had fluid in her bladder and kidneys. Amniotic fluid levels were good, and obviously she is moving.
I felt my heart sink at seeing the lack of change. It is beginning to wear on me, on us as a couple, and has seemed like the longest 3 weeks of our lives. I am tired. I feel helpless. I have bad days. I don't feel like talking. I want to sleep. I feel foggy.
I wonder if my faith is weak. I wonder if I have really surrendered her to the Lord. I wonder if I have told the kids too much or not enough. I feel like I am exhausting my friends.
I feel......
I could go on and on about me. I could spend so much time documenting the ups and downs of the process as we wait. However, the truth is that you already know. Everything you have felt or wondered if you would feel I have felt.. Over and over.
We will visit the specialist Monday and will have more answers... Strike that: medical answers.
However, a friend recently reminded me that what we do not see is so much more real than what we do see.... THIS is the truth that we stand on.... And we do it sometimes with strength and power, but most of the time we are standing with weak legs and with the help of family and friends....
Pray for Monday's appointment. Pray for healing. Pray for strength.

Pray

We have an appointment with the regular OB tomorrow.  Please pray that we not only see her sweet face, hear her heartbeat and feel her move...but that we see the presence of HEALING! We have been so blessed to have your love and support.  Branson shall be blessed as well.

remember when.....

If you have ever had the stomach bug and wanted to die, you have probably thought to yourself at some point "why don't I ever take advantage of the times that I don't feel like this?" or "why am I not thankful for the days that I am healthy and don't feel bad?" If you have ever been on crutches or had your arm in a sling, you have wondered the same thing.......you have found task beyond task that you simply took for granted.  Whenever I am nauseous, I will confess something to you all.....I have been known to make deep bargains with my Savior- that if He would simply intervene, I would ( fill in the blank).  I simply HATE feeling like I might throw up.


This is where I have lingered for the past few weeks.  In this space between the ROCK: wondering why I took such simple things for granted(pregnancy, sleep, being thankful, my husband) and the HARD PLACE: on the verge of making bargains with my Lord.   This HARD PLACE is something I have resolved to avoid.  First of all, it is absolutely contrary to who I believe the Lord is. He is NOT waiting until He hears the best deal to execute His will, and He loves me so much more than that......


I remember when there was space within the walls of my house to complain about the pains of pregnancy.....when I felt the freedom to say "calm down, baby!" or "hurry up and come out!"....or even "This is miserable" especially in this last month.  There is now no room for such complaints.....Each sore muscle and bout of reflux and loss of breath is taken with newfound thankfulness.  


I still find myself waiting for the day where there is nothing to worry about....a day when there is nothing to be on my knees in prayer about...and then I stop and sigh at such a thought.  
Those were the very days I took for granted...the days that I did not stop to think about how "right" everything was.  
Of course there will always be something for which to be on my knees. I am a parent and a wife: enough said.
 God has called me to Him now...closer than ever before.  To wish for a perfect life or my "best life ever" would be wishing away this intimacy with the Father.

Branson's Room

The inspiration behind her room.

The lamp I made for Jaden Lily's room 10 years ago...and a picture of my dad.

Vintage box used as changing table tablet.

My baby rattle.

Her room, right off our bedroom.

Quilt - made by me

Her mobile

Results from Today's Appointment

We saw Dr. Rodriguez(our regular obgyn) this morning.  We heard Branson's sweet heartbeat that has remained steady throughout.  We also saw it beating, and saw her legs moving around, as well as her head and face.  She really is cute.  She is measuring much better now, and is continuing to gain weight.  They actually guestimated her weight at around 4 lbs which is better than great.  The more weight and maturity at delivery the better.


Her bladder is still enlarged, and there seems to still be fluid on the kidneys.  It seems that some fluid is actually leaking out, because the level of amniotic fluid is stable.  This means, there could be an obstruction, but more likely a breakdown in communication of when and how to constrict and release bladder.  I asked how long her kidneys could take the fluid retention before they begin to shut down, and her reminded us that it really is a balancing act between intervening and allowing her lungs and body and brain to mature. That makes sense: thus the idea of c-sectioning early.


She also still had fluid on the left ventricle in the brain, but the head was not swollen(no hydrocephalus) which could mean the fluid/pressure is not enough to be doing lots of damage, or that there is missing brain tissue that is being replaced by the fluid.  Hydrocephalus is treatable and the outcomes are usually pretty good.  Missing brain tissue is a different story, and this is where we pray.


Thanks so much for continuing to pray.  A friend shared this with me not to long ago and it has been an image that I continue to come back to.  Hope it also comforts you:


"The Potter's Hand:


A gentle pressure from a fingertip or firmer pushing from the palm of a hand will form what in the end is their(the potter's) piece of art.  I was thinking how overwhelming to me from a human perspective to understand what God must accomplish in sweet Branson's body to give her the life we envision for her.  But for the Master Potter, it is simply to shift pressure here or there as He forms her in His hands.                   It is what He does." - C.M.

We pray that God steps in as the Master Potter....that He press and push on the exact places that He needs to to form her....that He whispers to the deep places and calls her brain to line up to His will.

Lost in the Woods..

Over the last few weeks, I have been using an analogy or scenario to explain the way I am feeling and the way that I am praying for Branson. I understand that when anyone hears what is happening on a physical and scientific level, that different people have entirely different reactions.  It is hard not to approach the situation with your own life experience in tow.  I have been met with comments such as "She is healed and you will see that," as well as comments like "God knows best and we will be here to comfort you when she is gone."  I have heard the entire spectrum of spiritual guidance and I can honestly say that I find it all very comforting.  I just know that people experience things differently.  Some people immediately prayed for healing while others prayed for comfort for us in our grief....and i get it.....and understand it.  
However, this analogy will help to explain where I am a little.  It is hard to explain, but I will attempt to do so.

Branson is lost in the woods.  She might be an infant, toddler or small child. It doesn't matter. She is lost in the woods and it has been hours since anyone saw her.  People are gathering in our back yard, frantic, searching, sobbing, trying to figure out what they can do.  Police are scouring the place as the sun begins to set.  As parents, Will and I are devastated and frustrated and pleading for God to rescue her.  We are searching and screaming her name.   People begin offering their guidance and what they feel is helpful advice.  A woman walks up and says,"I know a good physical therapist that Branson can use when she gets found since she may not be physically well."  Another woman, dressed in hospital scrubs says, "I will preform her surgery when you find her." A woman walks up to me and whispers in my ear that "Jesus knows best," and another woman tells me of her niece who is mentally challenged and has been going to a great program.   A man wearing a sobering face slips a business card into Will's hands for funeral services.  A child runs up to us and says, "if it gets dark and we don't find her can I go play video games inside?"  A man hugs both of us and says "Sometimes we just don't get God's ways."


During all of this, God has freely given me the ability to extend grace to all of these perspectives.  I feel loved and comforted by everyone God has placed in our path this month.  


But all the while, I want to stand in this back yard, in the midst of the search and rescue team and scream, "NO....We pray for a whole and perfect recovery!  We don't pray that she is partially recovered, that her limbs are partially whole, that her brain is partially functioning!" What parent would ever pray for partial recovery of their child who is lost in the woods?!"


To me, this makes sense. It makes sense that, until God leads us to something else, we will pray for her complete and perfect healing! She is still alive 3 weeks after they gave us a fatal report and we will continue to pray for PERFECT healing until God leads us to pray for something else.  He has not given me a diagnosis to research or prepare for...He has not given us evidence of physical deterioration in her body.  Her heart beats, she breathes, she moves inside of me.  She is alive......and just as if she were lost in the woods, we will fight, search, pray and seek the Lord for a complete and perfect return to us.

A message from Jaden and eason.

Jaden:  " It is hard to imagine that He can heal her, but I know He can.  I pray that she comes out whole and healthy.  When she does, I will praise the Lord.  "


eason:  "I want her to come out right now.  I am excited for her to come out. I want Jesus to keep her safe and mama too."




Just a few notes from my sweet kids this morning.......

The pace of life.....

Yesterday we celebrated the birthday of the spunkiest, most intense little boy I know.... As much as he loves to dress up and be in character, we threw him a SUPERHERO birthday party complete with capes, masks and other dress-up garb.  I spent the day much distracted by my inner desire to slow things down.  If you know me, you know that this is not my true nature. I am usually looking towards the next event, the next season, the next milestone. I truly have a hard time living in the moment.  But yesterday, not only was I in the moment, I wanted to step in and stop the clock.....I wanted him to always be THAT little boy.....

Is it possible that God could be changing even the deepest parts of who I am? Is it possible that I have some seriously intense growing to do yet? Is it possible that the fire used to refine the gold is both intentionally hot and intentionally necessary? Is it possible that God calls me to walk through this season with Him, be it ever so painful.   Yes. Of course, Yes.

..being carried.

As I look back at these photos from two weeks ago, I am thinking about how we are still wrapped in this embrace.  Although only lasting for a while at church while our friends and family prayed, rejoiced and danced in front of the Lord, this seems to be where we have lingered.  In many ways, this type of intimacy is exhausting....I find myself just wanting to come up for air.....literally.  But, like most things, there is a flip side to every feeling: what would I have done without this? What if this is not where we had started from?  As Will and I continue to pass each other in our home, parent, kiss, eat and work, we are constantly in this emotional embrace.  I am kept aware of the weakness in my knees and am often reminded that as I am carried by Will, he is carried by our God.....my knees ARE weak, and my voice sometimes feels very small.  
These photos of Michael singing over the baby the words "you're alive" resonate in my ears as I clean toilets, pour cereal.....wash my hair.  God has awarded me Will, and for that, I am so thankful.

The pearl

A pearl... It starts as a single grain of grit.... It has purpose. Mainly to become beautiful. Nothing eats pearls. It isn't used for fuel or nutrition.... It is simply or, rather, miraculously beautiful. It takes months of constant, intentional work to become a pearl. And the pearl does none of the work. The creator uses the agitation and location of the grit to make it into a pearl. How amazing....
It is obvious who the pearl is to me in this illustration. And I am aware of the creator's presence as this pearl is being created, formed and healed. And yes, that makes me the oyster... I'm ok with that.

We wait and we lean....

We saw the doctor today. He had read the high risk doc's report and was satisfied with the plan. We heard Branson's heartbeat, saw she had plenty of amniotic fluid, was still in head down position and was still moving around. She still had an enlarged kidney and bladder, and the left ventricle in the brain was slightly larger than last week. For the most part, there has been no change.
I am reminded of certain miracles that Jesus performed and even at His birth, when the healed or the witness was told to go and tell no one of the miracle.... This has always been a mystery to me, since most of those told this never asked why and usually went and told everyone. But I told the Lord this morning, that what I wanted was to see jaws drop and a miracle healing that noone could deny as God's work. However, if he chooses to use the next 4 weeks to purposely and intentionally repair her body, we will run through the streets glorifying Him just the same.
The plan is to see the doctor for the next 4 Thursdays( or more often if I need comfort and confirmation) and the specialist on the 21st. We will continue to watch, monitor and look for change. At 36 weeks( around march 7)they will give steroids to help her lungs develop, do an amnio to rule out anything that would make a csection unnecessary, and section her someti
me that week. By that time, they will be able to safely intervene in any of these issues that need it. The worst case scenario is that her brain fluid is not a repairable issue, and that it will be a drastic hindrance to a good quality of life for her. So, if there is something specific you are looking to pray for, then it is, by far, her Brain! That it may be filled with the matter that God uses to give her life!
We are leaning on His wisdom, remembering that His ways are right and perfect and good.... And often mysterious.

Appointment tomorrow.

Tomorrow... Thursday.... Appointment at 8:30 am. Will worked hard yesterday to complete some things for tomorrow so that he could be there. Mom is coming as well..... Reminded how blessed we are to have businesses and friends and bosses that have prioritized family above all else.... They( Dayton's) have been so loving an supportive. We could not ask for a better employer....
I am not sure what we will or will not find out tomorrow... But I have felt her move today and am more than thankful for that. I hope to see her face, hear her heartbeat... Those two things alone will sustain me for days......the powerful wind today was a reminder of His strength and presence..... I will always be sustained by that. Please continue to pray... Especially for Will.

Blow, Mighty Breath of God.....

I am praying specifically for the wind today.  That as the mighty breath of God, it would blow away doubt, anxiety, control and impatience...and fear.  That it would surround me in hurricane-force prayer and power..... and most importantly that His Breath of Life would blow through Branson as a perfectly healing gust....to powerfully command her body to be nothing less than He ordained and purposed it to be.  I pray t that the spaces in her brain would be filled with the control of her body and more importantly the knowledge of her Savior....May she spiritually experience His healing.....and have a spiritual memory of His presence......

When He calls Himself Abba Father....

I have realized today, the news from the doctors does not change my desires, fears or hopes. It isn't as if God is listening to their prognosis saying " well, now they are saying it is x.. That is so much harder to heal than y..." Why would I even allow myself to believe for a second that He is just now, in February 2011, devising a plan to heal Branson. Ludicrous.. He knew this baby girl before she was formed in my womb: her body, personality, likes, dislikes, sense of humor.... He has her every day numbered and written for her. He has every one of her, what I believe will be blonde hairs numbered......

Today, especially, I have been wrapped up in Him.. Resting in His peace. There will be days where I am actively praying and specifically praising and hoping with fervent expectation.... But today I just needed His lap.. And He was there.