Fault

I let my baby fall.  
I pivoted away from her...and she fell.  
I didn't even see how she hit the floor.  
She was so small and naked,  and all I could do I scoop up her crying body and bring her to mine.


It was a few minutes before I took a breath as she nursed and I examined her body..... She looked fine.


I was not.


I am not writing about an incident from yesterday...or even last week. It has been over a month since this happened... I hadn't written- posted- shared..... I didn't sit down to write. I didn't even post an update to ask for prayer.  I didn't share much at all...and I am a sharer.


When we first heard of Branson's diagnosis, I shared what was happening to us. I asked for prayer. I asked you to rally for her... for me.  When we lost her, I asked for prayer for myself, my children, my husband.  When we announced we were pregnant with Vivi, all I wanted from you was prayer....prayer for the innocent- prayer for those enduring the circumstance of God's will.
Yet, here is my baby in hospital overnight with a skull fracture....and I am silent.


Why.  Because it was my fault. Because I was embarrassed and ashamed. Because I wanted no advice, condemnation or excuse. I couldn't bear the thought of someone trying to make me feel better by telling me that "things happen" or "we aren't perfect".  I didn't want to admit that I had turned my eyes from my baby and that she had fallen.  No facebook posts this time.  I wanted it all to go away.


So, why post now? 
Because otherwise I am a fraud.
Because if I don't share it all then I'm not authentic....and I have been called to be authentic...and I will continue to pour it out even when the water isn't crystal clear...for it is in the murky and muddy water that I again find my Savior...the one who cleanses and cradles me.  

Sitting in my baby backpack

graduation from preschool...

They have the audacity to continue to grow.  You turn away for a second to tie a shoe and the little one rolls over.  You wake up one morning to your oldest asking to wear make-up.  Don't worry.  This isn't a "carpe diem" post, moms.  I think you hear it way to often....from the little old lady at the grocery store...from everyone..."It goes so fast."  "Sleep while you can!"  "In the blink of an eye..."
It isn't that these pieces of advice aren't sound. It is true.... But the pressure to "seize every moment" causes you to do just the opposite.  You have been there. I know I have.  Overplanning the birthday party so the MOMENT is perfect.  Spending hundreds of dollars and hours on the scrapbook to document all of the perfect MOMENTS. All of that seizing ends up exhausting the socks off of you.


It is becoming more apparent that chasing "carpe diem" isn't what God was asking of me all along anyway.  Phew, right? He was asking me to put one foot in front of another on a path that was rarely lit.  It was usually dark, with turns along the way...turns that often were deceptive, "obvious" doors that were often closed...things that I was sure He wanted - like Branson's life here on earth.  Doors that opened out of nowhere - like the opportunity to do this blog.  It is almost as if "seizing the day" would have complicated His path for me all along.  
Proverbs says that there is a "way that seems right to man, but in the end leads to death".  There have been twists and turns along the way- and my way would have ended up in need of a search party. In fact, at times, it did.


So, what does that look like in real life.  How do you balance? How do you enjoy the moment, look to the future and learn from the past all in the same "blink of an eye"? 

I don't know....and I am glad.  It is this "lost" feeling that keeps me looking at the path before me...straining my eyes for glimpses of His wisdom.  Unlike really being lost, however, I am embraced in Him along the way. I am riding in the baby backpack of my Father...sometimes open-eyed and blinking, sometimes crying to walk, sometimes snuggled deep and sleeping.  Those moments are not to be seized...merely soaked in.


Release the pressure of always getting it right.  You won't.  


Remember that the path He set for you requires faith to step through puddles and leap over gorges- but that most of the time you are being carried.

crying it out

It is 11:42 pm. It may as well be 3 am. That is how tired I am.  However, at the moment, I am letting my teeny tiny baby cry in her crib.  Why? Because she is well and fed and dry and sleepy.  We have cuddled and patted and snuggled and she has eaten and eaten and eaten....and eaten.  So, she is crying.  A few cries...then long periods of silence with eyes closed.  Then crying again...a few mad screams that sound like a pterodactyl...then a few snubs and sniffs...and then silence.  
She is fine.  I am not.  I am sitting in the living room hoping this will distract me from the one sound that I am conditioned and instinctively built to respond to. Everything in my body wants to run to her and promise to hold her all night long for the rest of her life...no matter what her husband will one day say.


But, she would never learn to sleep.  Sleep. It seems so simple, yet it is one of the first tasks that babies must learn: how to sooth themselves to sleep.  Sure, there is nothing wrong with rocking, nursing, patting, bouncing or even driving your baby to sleep....but whatever tool you use to help them will be the thing they learn to depend on.  


I wonder where my Jesus sits when I am crying it out sometimes...those moments where I must learn how to walk through the next step He calls me to...the times when it is painful.  While I am whining and complaining or asking Him to fix "it", is He waiting patiently- urging me to trust Him- reminding me that He knows best?


I am reminded of Lucy's question of Aslan in "Prince Caspian". After all the loss in Narnia, Lucy finally sees Aslan again.  She immediately asks him why he has not come roaring in to save the day like he did last time.  Yes, Lucy. I agree.  I find myself asking that as well.


However, even in my doubts and fears and fits it is still evident that He has never failed me.  Ever.  He has walked with me through fire and death.  He has walked me through mistrust, anger and resentment.  He has never failed me.  When He decides to let me cry it out, it is with the love, compassion and wisdom of a Father....of a mother who listens intently at the nursery door.


It is 11:56.  14 minutes of snubby little cries....I had decided to go in at 12....no need. I knew best.  And so does HE.

Introducing Vivi Joy!

Click on the link below for Vivi's birthday slideshow:)




Introducing Vivi Joy







enjoy!

Joy came......quickly.

She is here.
Here.
In my arms.
Right now....as I type.


Vivienne Joy Rose Bullard arrived in a whirlwind on March 15th, 2012....three weeks early and right on time.


I headed to the hospital for a routine visit around 11 am.  On the way walking inside, my water broke....I mean, I wasn't sure having never gone into labor on my own.....but, I thought it may have.


Some back story....I have never gone into labor......I have been induced three times.  Jaden was induced from a starting point of 0 cm...as was Eason.....and of course, Branson's birth was induced, medicated, and controlled. I had pain with each, but epidurals were administered and everything took a very long time.  I had spoken very openly to the Lord about my desire to have Vivi naturally.  I took the desire to Him...knowing that her life and well-being mattered most...and that my desire knew nothing of what He had planned for us.  It was like walking up a hill asking for there to be a simple lookout at the top....I didn't want to shortchange myself if God had the Grand Canyon waiting for me instead.  So I simply asked, told Him my desires, did my research, made a tentative and flexible plan, and waited.


The day before I had done some walking....quite a bit of eating(convinced Will to take me to Red Lobster), and I even push-swept the carport.  That night, I went to youth, and danced on the wii in the basement by myself:)  No contractions...no pain....nothing.  I couldn't sleep, so I went to computer with an open spirit...with the funny realization of how "out of control" I was....and that I was ok with that.  I wrote the last blog called "out of control" in that sleepy state....and went to bed at peace...and I actually slept...well.




So, like I said, I went to the Doctor suspecting that my water had broken walking up the hill to his office.  I did a secret happy dance in the bathroom, proud that I could go in and at least have had some progress! I went straight in and sure enough....membranes had ruptured.  I was happy. My doc was not.  He scowled a little with some concern and measured her...She was happy and healthy at what he thought to be 7 lb 11 oz.
But, I was less than 2 cm dilated and not effaced, and he suspected we had very little time to get my body ready to have a baby....the body that takes forever to have a baby. Yep, that one.
He sent me over to triage around noon with the understanding that he would be there around 4 or so to start the induction and pitocin.... There were no rooms available. Even triage was full.
I will admit that I believed him. That for those moments, I thought that this was as far as I would get on my own. I was actually grateful to have the "water breaking" story.  For the moment, I had settled for the simple lookout...when God had more in store. I am so glad I am not in control. I would miss out on so much.


In triage I got settled, called a few people, told mom to go get Jaden and head back to work a bit, and told Will to go home, get our things and that,  Yes, he had time to take a shower.  I played a bit on my phone until I started feeling some contractions on my own.  They had me hooked up to a monitor and nothing was showing on the screen. I started to get discouraged that the contractions were getting painful but were apparently very mild. After all, I had wanted to go natural and couldn't even tolerate these well.  I was getting very uncomfortable in the bed...like the angle of the bed was wrong.  I felt like I needed to get up, but the nurse had needed a 30 minute continuous monitor strip, so I stayed put as long as I could.  After a few more minutes I asked to go to the bathroom.  I had about 4 or 5 major contractions in the bathroom and knew these were for real.  When I got back to the room, I told her what I was experiencing and she looked at the monitor printout and told me that they were barely registering.  And then I told her my back was hurting so bad that I refused to get back in the bed.  Her response? : "Crap".  Apparently the back labor contractions that I was experiencing were not registering because of where the monitor was. She checked me and I was already 5 cm. It was only around 1 pm.  Will wasn't there. My mom wasn't there.  I called him and he was on his way. I couldn't get back in the bed. The contractions were too strong.  I stood and labored for another 30 minutes. When Will got there I was more than 7 cm.  I had already refused the epidural, and things were progressing fast.  I could tell the nurse was a little panicked and Will was just getting filled in....and not very well. She was frazzled and talking to someone on the phone...less than calmly.  The contractions were on top of each other. 


At around 2:00 the nurse checked and said I was more than 9 cm. She phoned someone to say she was "sorry" and that she was bringing me now....that the room had "better be ready".
They wheeled us down the hall, and for the first and last time that day, I was a little scared.  I didn't know where Will had gone and I was uneasy about making it in time.  We got to the room where they told me they could not get a hold of my doctor. 


So there we were in the birthing room...just us.  After some preparations and a few pushes she was here.  And there we were...fully out of control.  It was beautiful. No monitors, no IVs, no drugs, no bright lights..just us.  I wasn't emotional.  I didn't cry.  God had gifted me exactly what I had wanted.....the Grand Canyon instead of a small lookout.  He had gifted me a clear mind, unmuddled with the emotions of the past 18 months.  I was clear.  What was my reaction? I felt like shouting.  I wanted to yell from the rooftops, "Of course she is here! Of course she is perfect.....Of course she is Vivi!"  I was just clearly aware of her presence...but I had KNOWN her for 9 months.....

I am experiencing the emotions now, day by day. But what a gift that God kept them from overwhelming me all at once that day.  Vivienne is perfect. She eats, sleeps, squeaks and has brought us joy....and healing.....which isn't her responsibility...but a result of who she is and what God has intended for her.


I am remembering to give God my desires all the while remembering that His desires for me are better still........

PS: I am posting a slideshow in a few days.... I can't wait for you to see the events of that day!

So I am up and sleepy...probably a very bad time to write....
Not to mention my head is swirling with information and my heart a-flutter with anticipation...


Probably a very bad time to write.
So here goes:)


I have decided to allow myself to be out of control.  For the past month, I have made list after list after list.  One of the mundane lists I made was what I thought we should do for family vacations in the summer.  Mind you, this list extended through the year 2018.  If that list doesn't already tell you that I am bonkers, maybe this one will. I also made a list of gifts I would buy if I could afford them. Most of these are wild and extravagant things for my husband or mother....and I quickly deleted the list because I was afraid one of them would see it.  I remember a few of them.  A trip to France, A new truck, a lawnmower, a lawnboy. I will let you decide which was for which:)


My point is this: I was spending a lot of time making lists.  Call it nesting.  Call it control. Call it what you want. I was spending valuable time on these lists.  It is what my Grannie would call "piddlin." I only ever know that I am doing it either midway through or in hindsight. It always seems like a good idea at the time.  The other day I recognized it midway. I was elbow deep in cough syrup and bandaids when I realized that "organizing the medicine cabinet" was one of those tasks that could have waited.  It is possible that the dishes in the sink or the laundry souring in the washer was more important at that moment.  Or perhaps I should have just been on the couch curled up in the Bible.  Whatever it was, it was pointless....and I realized that the lists, the piddlin' and even the worrying and obsessing over my plans were doing me no good at all. They were wasting my time.  


I am not here to say that lists, plans and organization are bad. Not at all.  But I have been the girl in the store buying containers to control the clutter. I have been the girl with the unapproachable and unrealistic list of things to do. I have been the girl that has kicked and screamed and cried when her plans fell through.  I know there is a limit, because I have reached it.


So, what do you do when you are a mom, a wife, an employee.....when you need to organize your time and mind? How do you decide your limits, set your goals, call your plays?


You don't.
My friend Jo put it very clearly tonight.  Most of the time, I call in God as my kicker. It is 4th and long and I realize in hindsight or midway though that I am gonna need him to come in and save the day.  He is capable. He knows what to do. He is warmed up.  He wants to win.  The perfect answer to the problem I created for myself.
Too many times I look back to realize I have been trying to call the plays the whole game.  Jo put it so clear tonight when he reminded me that God should have been my quarterback all along.  Why was I trying to play all over the field? Why hadn't I asked before, "God, what do you want to do with this situation?" "How do you want to use me?"


After a week of mulling over a few sermons from Graham Cooke, I am embarrassed as a follower of Christ to admit how I was thinking. I am looking back at all the time I wasted trying to analyze and fix my "problems" and my "flaws" with goals and lists.  Instead, all the time, there God stood with outstretched arms waiting to give me traits and tools to be more like Him.....and all the while wanted to love on me while He did it.  


The immediate application of this issue is my "birth plan".  After being induced twice, I had dreams of going into labor on my own.  I want to do it naturally. I want it to go perfect, even if it is painful, and I want to do it God's way. I want to do it slowly, without intervention.  I just wanted to have it my way...and the way that God intended it to be.  But here is the thing.  I am not purely positive on what His way is.  He has given me a wonderful and wise doctor.  He made my body in His image. It isn't it its best shape:), but it is created well by the Creator.  He is in control of Miss Vivi....I know this- but He is also in control of me.  I have to surrender my plan. I simply must present my desire to my Father. The Father that cares for me, provides for me, has love and passion and fire for what is important to me.  I trust Him....He says He will give me the desires of my heart...and I have made clear to Him my desire. I will trust that He will do what is best for me even if it not what I desire....because He is always the same....always good.  


So I have decided to be out of control. To ask the Savior of the World what He wants to do and follow Him into it. It will take patience and self-control. It will take faithfulness.  But, because of His love for me, I am able to receive it.....I will not be making anymore lists...unless it is of things that I hear Him speaking over me.  As I write this moment, He is telling me that I am "funny" and that He "enjoys me".......is there anything more beautiful than being loved?  Sigh.  


~"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us" -Jesus Culture

Vivi's Room

Hey- just a short post of some pictures of this little Spunky girl's room:)
We didn't buy much of anything...It feels very natural that this baby girl would have hand-me-downs from her siblings...Jaden's books and musical duck (along with more baby shoes than any child will ever need), Eason's crib skirt/ruffle and toys, Branson's refurbished mobile and handmade quilt......
She also has some new things- a handmade crocheted blanket from my friend Sarah, a button "V" and a yarn covered "V" courtesy of her mama, a handpainted owl from my friend Janelle, a Princess balance toy from her GranJan....enough to make the room hers...that is for sure:)

Girly Canopy with ribbons:) and her pigs!

Vivi is going to get to watch Branson's birds from her bed. I cut them from the mobile and added the fun felt balls inside the canopy in "her colors"

A borderline obsession with baby shoes- I admit it.

A special book from when I was a baby

The lamp from Jaden's nursery and Vivi's yarn covered V. Above is the custom-painted owl from my friend, and below is the baby bird from Vivi's aunt Sadie.

Each of my children have a balance toy- Jaden's is a mermaid, Eason's a knight and Vivi's is this princess warrior

Picture of her dresser in the morning...
This is where the sun comes in.

Because we are cloth diapering, it made more sense to put a changing table in the bathroom...So here it is:)

One Birthday

The day of her birth.  Her birthday.  The day she was delivered.  They all are the same thing- but not technically. She was brought to life at conception- when God formed her little body.  She was delivered into are arms on this day so that we could hold her, touch her, spend cherished moments with her.  But I want to remember something clearly- and make sure you don't miss it-  because God made it clear what He wanted for her.  I don't know why, but I know He did.

She never felt the chill of this world on her skin.  She was never sad or cold or lonely..... She never experienced the tension between the world and her Spirit.  She never knew of any place that wasn't warm, cozy and perfect for her.  She could have.  She could have been born alive and experienced a much different few hours before passing away. I am so thankful for the authority that God took over her life and experience. So grateful that He removed the responsibility from my hands- and took it on Himself.  

We had a beautiful birthday celebration at her grave.  We removed her winter flowers and replaced them with a beautiful Springtime arrangement.  Jaden made her a necklace and eason brought a ceramic bird that belonged to my Grandmother. Will and I arranged the flowers and the kids placed their things on her grave.   Family and friends came and supported us with giggles and stories and words of wisdom. It wasn't fancy.  It was unorganized.  It was awkward mingling....much like the birthday celebrations of my other children:)

Thank you for celebrating with us.... those of you that came and braved the breezy day and those of you that sweetly remembered and honored us with prayer.  We felt it....the breath of God(although wintery today) blowing over us....whisking fear and doubt away....taking with it guilt and bad memories and bringing life where there was death.


We praise Him for her life...for each kick, each swallow, each turn she made....each brainwave, heartbeat and thought of her Spirit.  Her life matters....and we are so thankful.  She only had one birth day...but it mattered.

Restoration

I hope I didn't catch you off guard with the post from last year. It made no sense to try to describe again where I was when I had a perfectly fine time capsule with it all right there...raw and untouched. So, I decided to repost it. It made more sense.  


On Saturday, Branson's delivery day- her Birthday, we will be visiting her grave.  We want to make sure that we honor the day and celebrate her life.  Will had the idea to do this every year- to put blatant "Springtime!" flowers out in the middle of February...quenching out the Winter. I love it.  Jaden is planning on making a strand of beads to leave there, and we just want it to be a time of celebration and healing.  Because of who Branson was and the testimony she has, we cannot bear to keep her to ourselves. We go by her grave often as a family.  This Saturday, however, we want to open it up to anyone who would like to celebrate her with us.  You are welcome to come, to drop by, to talk to your kids.....We want this to be a moment of healing for the children that have walked this road with us as well. It couldn't have been easy.  **Greenwood Cemetery, Tazewell Pike  1 o'clock**


That being said, I have spent this week immensely blessed.....Blessed by the words of friends and the encouragement that has come from so many.  I even had an amazing baby shower last week...or should I say "Johnna Shower".....some of my most favorite women across many generations with immeasurable wisdom surrounded me and poured out love for me.  Vivi received some sweet sweet gifts, but more than anything, I was showered with love.  They spent over an hour speaking blessings over me, praying for me, Vivi, Will and the kids.....They built up my spirit.  Between that event and 5 nights in a row of good sleep, I feel like I can take on the world.  And I am.



Vivi's room is finished, and I am just about ready to take some pictures of it.  To top it off, right outside her room, we placed a shadowbox and memory box of Branson's things.  It is perfect....available to the kids and personal to our house.  I feel really peaceful when I look at it.  




















I am in amazement at where we find ourselves and humbled by the gift that Vivi is. I realize the difference in this year had we not been pregnant- that ever-present hope....
We did not have to get pregnant. We could have tried for months without success.  We could have even decided not to try again.  Or- we could still be trying and in despair.  I realize this.  I also realize that this is where some of you are.  You feel as though God hasn't heard you...hasn't restored you...hasn't met you in that place yet.  My story could make you angry....because you feel you are being robbed of the healing you want. You may still be angry at God.  That is all ok. I am convinced that it doesn't matter what you say to the Father as long as you are in His lap when you say it.  


What encouragement can I give other than to say that it is His plan for you...that restoration IS what He intends for you.  I don't know the time, the space or even the process, but it is ALWAYS His plan.  I do know that sometimes He must remove us from things, chisel away at us, take us from what is comfortable in order for us to see the restoration.  Sometimes, we must choose to let go of things- bitterness, unforgiveness, jealousy, control-  in order to receive it.  


I choose that. I choose it even again today, Lord.  I give you control. I give you Vivienne.  She is yours.  You know what is best.  I submit her to you, my kids to you, my marriage to you, my plan to you......again and again and again.

A year ago......

Hindsight....
In my past experience, it has always been rather clear.  20/20. So easy to see what choices were poor, what roads God led us through, what paths were disastrous.  When I think about the past year, I have no such clarity.  


Although I distinctly see the valley that the Lord walked us through, I make no attempt to clarify the reasoning or will of my Father. There is no asking why because there is no earthly answer that would suffice. When I miscarried a baby in early 2006, I became pregnant soon after with Eason. There was a very simple physiological answer for that time. The loss of that baby was painful, but the truth was and is that simply because of time, I would not have been able to have that baby without negating the life of my Eason.  I would have had her...and no him.  So, with that knowledge and understanding I trusted that the Lord's plan was not only perfect but also realistic.


With Branson's death, there is no solace in time.  I could have her and still have Vivi on the way.  She would have turned 1 on February 25th.  My hindsight is just as blurry as ever.  That is ok with me.  I am no longer expecting to be met by answers I always understand. I am getting used to just believing.  


Today, standing in worship, thinking about where we were this time last year, I wept with the knowledge that I believed whole-heartedly that Branson would be born, healed and a part of our family.  I believed that she would be a testimony to the world about the loving miracles our God still performs. I longed to see that on the faces of the doctors, the skeptics, our friends, our children.  
I do not regret believing in that. She is a testimony- she was made whole and healed and called into the Kingdom immediately- before experiencing the sin of this world.  She is part of our family.


He answered my prayers and met me in my belief- even when it wasn't what I thought He would do.  He gathered me to Him.  He walked me through it.  He calmed my spirit. He actually CHANGED me......


My hindsight is just as much in His hands as my future... 
Pray for us as we walk out the next few weeks around the anniversary of Branson's birth.


Vivi is active, growing and well, and we will celebrate both girls together. 

saving me from myself...

Sometimes, I am my own worst enemy. 
 It has been a long time since posting a blog.  I can blame it partly on being just so darn happy.  I know that isn't an excuse, but it is really hard to write when you are happy. It is hard to imagine that people would ever be interested in reading something about how so over the moon you are.....so, I have tossed at least 4 blogs that did just that.

30 or so weeks

I can try to blame it on the pregnancy brain. I truly am very jumbled up. Despite the ever-present ADD, I am losing brain blood supply to an increasingly large abdomen...as well as an ever-increasing rear end, according to eason.




But, more than anything, I think it has to do with the season that God has me in- the "stop and just be in the moment" season.  Sometimes, blogging about it tends to get me thinking- too much sometimes.  

Jaden's photo-a-day...you can play!

I took a break from facebook in early January.  12 days without it.  I pretty much didn't touch the computer, either. I did, however, participate in a photo-a-day project.  It seemed to really bring me center...to help me focus on something simple- something beautiful.  I am currently doing one my 10 year old and her friend made.(#febpix on instagram) It is pretty special....


Without clogging the blog up with details of the pregnancy, I must announce that she is so super healthy.  I know I have said this before, but she is the most active child I have ever carried.  She is constantly moving, and I know that God has gifted me with such reassurance in her every move. What a sweet way of loving on me- to let me know so often that she is so....spunky.


Today marks the 60 day countdown to Vivienne Joy's due date.  I call it a JOY countdown....and I have even decided to post a photo-a-day of something that brings me joy until she gets here.  You are welcome to join via facebook, twitter or instagram....#joycountdown


All of these things, the attempt to focus, the thrill of her birth, the expectation...even the desire to just be....all of these things can ironically take my focus off the Father.  Like I said, I am my own worst enemy. His lap is so near, yet when things are so good, I find myself off of it.  It is ok.  It is alright to explore, to have freedom, to play at the feet of my Father....but that lap is not just for my tears and for my frightened moments. He is a Father that loves to hear my JOY, my expectations, my excitement.  He is a Father that I am drawn to by His kindness.  I am still learning that He feels this way about me.  


Last week, my friend Jo reminded me of this using a United Pursuit song...


Jesus, you've called me a friend..
Jesus, you've made me what I am ..
Jesus,  you're my life within.


I can't wait to post pictures of Vivi's room.  It is the perfect combination of her own "personality" that I feel I already know so well and hand-me-downs from her sisters- both Jaden and Branson.....even eason's crib skirt makes an appearance.
I will post them soon, as well as an update from our 32/33 week check up next week.

The latest picture of Vivi Joy's face....with her hand in her mouth:)