So I am up and sleepy...probably a very bad time to write....
Not to mention my head is swirling with information and my heart a-flutter with anticipation...


Probably a very bad time to write.
So here goes:)


I have decided to allow myself to be out of control.  For the past month, I have made list after list after list.  One of the mundane lists I made was what I thought we should do for family vacations in the summer.  Mind you, this list extended through the year 2018.  If that list doesn't already tell you that I am bonkers, maybe this one will. I also made a list of gifts I would buy if I could afford them. Most of these are wild and extravagant things for my husband or mother....and I quickly deleted the list because I was afraid one of them would see it.  I remember a few of them.  A trip to France, A new truck, a lawnmower, a lawnboy. I will let you decide which was for which:)


My point is this: I was spending a lot of time making lists.  Call it nesting.  Call it control. Call it what you want. I was spending valuable time on these lists.  It is what my Grannie would call "piddlin." I only ever know that I am doing it either midway through or in hindsight. It always seems like a good idea at the time.  The other day I recognized it midway. I was elbow deep in cough syrup and bandaids when I realized that "organizing the medicine cabinet" was one of those tasks that could have waited.  It is possible that the dishes in the sink or the laundry souring in the washer was more important at that moment.  Or perhaps I should have just been on the couch curled up in the Bible.  Whatever it was, it was pointless....and I realized that the lists, the piddlin' and even the worrying and obsessing over my plans were doing me no good at all. They were wasting my time.  


I am not here to say that lists, plans and organization are bad. Not at all.  But I have been the girl in the store buying containers to control the clutter. I have been the girl with the unapproachable and unrealistic list of things to do. I have been the girl that has kicked and screamed and cried when her plans fell through.  I know there is a limit, because I have reached it.


So, what do you do when you are a mom, a wife, an employee.....when you need to organize your time and mind? How do you decide your limits, set your goals, call your plays?


You don't.
My friend Jo put it very clearly tonight.  Most of the time, I call in God as my kicker. It is 4th and long and I realize in hindsight or midway though that I am gonna need him to come in and save the day.  He is capable. He knows what to do. He is warmed up.  He wants to win.  The perfect answer to the problem I created for myself.
Too many times I look back to realize I have been trying to call the plays the whole game.  Jo put it so clear tonight when he reminded me that God should have been my quarterback all along.  Why was I trying to play all over the field? Why hadn't I asked before, "God, what do you want to do with this situation?" "How do you want to use me?"


After a week of mulling over a few sermons from Graham Cooke, I am embarrassed as a follower of Christ to admit how I was thinking. I am looking back at all the time I wasted trying to analyze and fix my "problems" and my "flaws" with goals and lists.  Instead, all the time, there God stood with outstretched arms waiting to give me traits and tools to be more like Him.....and all the while wanted to love on me while He did it.  


The immediate application of this issue is my "birth plan".  After being induced twice, I had dreams of going into labor on my own.  I want to do it naturally. I want it to go perfect, even if it is painful, and I want to do it God's way. I want to do it slowly, without intervention.  I just wanted to have it my way...and the way that God intended it to be.  But here is the thing.  I am not purely positive on what His way is.  He has given me a wonderful and wise doctor.  He made my body in His image. It isn't it its best shape:), but it is created well by the Creator.  He is in control of Miss Vivi....I know this- but He is also in control of me.  I have to surrender my plan. I simply must present my desire to my Father. The Father that cares for me, provides for me, has love and passion and fire for what is important to me.  I trust Him....He says He will give me the desires of my heart...and I have made clear to Him my desire. I will trust that He will do what is best for me even if it not what I desire....because He is always the same....always good.  


So I have decided to be out of control. To ask the Savior of the World what He wants to do and follow Him into it. It will take patience and self-control. It will take faithfulness.  But, because of His love for me, I am able to receive it.....I will not be making anymore lists...unless it is of things that I hear Him speaking over me.  As I write this moment, He is telling me that I am "funny" and that He "enjoys me".......is there anything more beautiful than being loved?  Sigh.  


~"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us" -Jesus Culture