Anxiety (part 1)

You will have to forgive the font and grammar of this post. I am writing from my phone on vacation with my sweet kiddos:) (thank you Jesus for the vacation!)

This is adapted from last weeks's word from Ryan. He spoke on worry and anxiety, and there was profound truth in it. It was also just what I had been swirling around in my head as well. So these ideas are mine and his and I truthfully don't know where his stop and mine start. Just know he packs a punch and you can get his full word at abidingglory.com.

Sometimes you have to talk yourself into trusting the Lord. Think about it. It doesn't ALWAYS come easily.
The unknown causes me worry. That worry is evidence of areas where I don't fully trust God. Trust requires surrender. Faith is trusting when we don't have all the answers. It is us attempting to do a "better job" at it than God. We fear because we are fighting for control of our lives. Fear is a form of "faith in the enemy" : an enemy who wants to harm you. If faith in God is powerful, then fear is just as powerful in the other direction. Fear wants to cripple your faith.

The Israelites had just been freed from slavery, and an Israelite had to kill Goliath in order
to avoid decades of captivity again. They were full of fear. Goliath taunted them day after day after day..for 40 days.

The taunting can be deafening. It can be the voice in your head when you look in the mirror, the need to have the budget perfectly balanced, the unwillingness to give up a habit, the overindulgence of your flesh.... The place where you feel God could never fully heal.

There were things that taunted me during the last few weeks I was pregnant with Branson. As I prayed, the enemy would remind me of medical terminology, of prognosis, of disabilities that were possible. I found myself in a battle with the internet to not look up and research things. The medical side of things taunted me with things above my knowledge. I felt teased.

You feed fear by continuing to obsess and focus on the fear. We meditate on the fear like we should on our faith. We convince ourselves the fear is insurmountable. Fear makes your faith ineffective. Fear allows you to still believe IN God, but it keeps you from BELIEVING God. It is believing in something without acting on that belief.

In the weeks following Branson's diagnosis, I did not struggle to believe IN God. I struggled and searched my heart, frantically at times to BELIEVE God. I wanted so badly to believe Him.... To allow Him to interpret His will in my life. But, what was it? I looked for His truth... Waded through it when it wad murky and mysterious.... Stood on it in Praise when He revealed His love and mercy to me and submitted in tears when He reminded me that His will was perfect and that sometimes I wouldn't understand.

We overcome fear and anxiety by starving it out. We have to replace it with a perspective of faith.
In the moments when we hear the voice of doubt, worry and anxiety, we are supposed to act. Simply continuing to worry and dwelling on the anxiety feeds the fear itself. Soon you will find yourself acting on it as well. You will not sign up to go to Mexico for fear of flying, you will not give generously for fear of not meeting ,your financial goal, you will not serve in mission for fear your children will be "exposed" to hurt, you will avoid connecting for fear of intimacy..... Then, you are living out the fear.

At many times I found myself awake letting the worry wash through me. I sweat, I cried, I fought to figure out another way. What were the lies the enemy told me concerning Branson?
That I deserved her.
That because I was a Christian, I shouldn't be hurting.
That God didn't care about us.
That God was a purposeless puppet-master.
That I did something wrong.

There were times I had to convince myself that I wasn't worried- times I stood in the middle of the living room with hands raised or on my knees in the shower.... These movements - times I acted - allowed faith to explode, fear was exiled because of the mear presence of faith... Not because I HAD faith, but because I believed God when He said He would be there.

The Israelites, King Saul, and David's brothers believed IN God, but they did not BELIEVE God.
David said "let no man's heart fail because of Goliath. I, your servant, will fight. He has defied the amries of the living God. The Lord that delivered me from the lion and the bear while tending sheep, will deliver me as well."

He acted. Acted on God's presence, His actual present tense working in their midst.
Ryan spoke last week directly to my heart. I was waiting to feel "strong enough" to act on MY faith....instead, I intend to step out into a dark place... To walk down the path even though He has only lit the few inches in front of me. Defeat fear by looking at the situation from God's perspective. Argue yourself into accepting and convincing yourself that God is in control. Starve it out. Argue faith into your life. Fear will argue you back....keep arguing.

David ran toward the battle line with his sling, struck Goliath in the forehead with a stone. He fell down dead, and David beheaded him with the giant's own sword. Did David kill Goliath? Or did God use David? Duh.

Allow the power of God in your life, not by doing, but by surrendering.

My friend Sadie had a dream. Among other revelations,this was one: A person cannot decorate a house unless they own it. God will not fully move in and decorate you, until He has all of you... He already paid for you.

Where are the places that you bury and worry about? Allow them to bubble to the surface.... Allow Him to have control.

Eustace, the unlikable character in CS Lewis's "Dawn Treader" is mutated into a dragon because of his greed and bad attitude.
Edmund: So what was it like…when Aslan changed you back?

Eustace tells the story of allowing Aslan to restore him. "No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t do it myself.  Then he came toward me…it sort of hurt, but…it was good pain.  You know, like, when you pull a thorn from your foot."

He just surrendered and allowed Aslan to do it. Is He God enough? Do you believe Him? I do... Even when it is hard, I will.. I will...I will.



Psalm 23

running in circles....

How can you not be inspired by these pictures.  In many ways, I look at these pictures and I can actually SEE myself in these women.  Just like someone with an eating disorder can look in the mirror at 80 lbs and see "fat", I can look in the mirror and still see the 19 year old athlete.  It is quite amusing.  The jeans that I hold up in front of me look like they should fit....yet, I can only pull them up to my mid-thigh.  I have even taken them off, beat and stretched them only to find that I am not, in fact, still a size 8- no matter how much I abuse the poor denim victims....bless their hearts.....






*** some background: I am 5' 9 1/2"( that half inch is important because it effects my BMI)  ....I weighed 140 lbs in high school when I was playing year round high school soccer.  When I went to college and played college soccer at 19 I lost about 10 lbs.  I spent about 2 months severely abusing my body and dropped to 119.  I then found out I was pregnant with Jaden.  I gained 53 lbs with her.  I was 172 when I went in for my induction. Since that moment on October 24th, 2001, the lowest my weight has been was 157 lbs at my wedding in 2004.( and I looked goooooooood:)  In 2007, I gained 
10 lbs, had a miscarriage, did not lose the weight and then immediately got pregnant with Eason.  I was 185 lbs when I had Eason.  I was still at 180 when I got pregnant with Branson....and I have lost NOTHING since we lost her.  ******

I am aware of the number on the scale, the lack of comfort that I feel in clothes and even the heart rate as I climb a set of stairs.  What I haven't come to grips with, is the way I look in photos.  I can dress myself, fix my hair and feel good about how I look in the mirror.  Thirty minutes later, I can see myself in a photo and want to throw the camera across the room.....


There is a gap between who I am in the mirror and what I look like in the photo.  There is a gap between what I say I want and what I actually do.  There is a gap between what I need to eat and what I want to eat.  There are gaps......
I find myself running in a circle....running from the issue and never.....actually........RUNNING.
God set up such a simple remedy to the pounds.  He allowed our body to burn the fat and calories that we didn't need.  He is a genius.  Yet, here I am ....NOT. RUNNING.

It is like that is so many more places in my life.  Thanks to my friend Scott, it is now more evident than ever.  He has been pretty raw about the places in his life that needed discipline.....he has not only been raw, but he has acted....He is pretty much awesome.  I have watched him, more than once, model what conviction is supposed to look like.  He responds to the Holy Spirit.  Instead of knowing and deliberating..he acts.  He listens, He repents, He moves.

I am going to be raw with you.
I want to be thinner, but I also want company from food while I am alone in my house. I want to celebrate with it when I am out.  I want to treat myself and the kids with sweets.  I want to eat as I am driving, as I am resting, as I am playing.  I use it as company, as reward and as medicine.   I choose the food that will supply the most immediate gratification. I think about what I might look like bigger as I am eating it.  I kick myself afterwards.  I think about skipping the next meal to make up for it.
My biggest thought:
 Why the CRAP would I try to eat well and lose weight, when I might be getting pregnant and putting it all back on again! It is so hard, and it would be for nothing!


So, part of my preparation for being ready to do whatever God calls me to do begins with food.  I began recording what it was that I was eating......I am making choices.  I am using judgement and wisdom to eat healthier things....to eat less things.  I have done a pretty good job.  I am so hungry, I won't lie....and sweet tea shows up in my dreams....but I want to show myself that I can do it, and I want to tell my heavenly Father that He is enough for me....

I don't ever want to send the message that I need more than Him.....it is a false message.....My heart doesn't believe it, so why do my actions send that message?


I have food issues. This would be enough, but I also have exercise issues.  I feel guilty for leaving my husband and kids to exercise.  I don't want to exercise in the evenings when the family is together. I don't want to pay for a gym, I don't really like classes with a group, I hate to run, I am lazy...blah blah blah.....it is a wonder I am not 400 lbs....( maybe my excuses alone weigh 20 lbs....i should dump THEM...lol) ***nervous, irrelevant humor inserted to alleviate stress while writing about weight..*****

I need to exercise....there, I said it. I am convicted and I am working on being repentant.  I am not there yet. I am still making excuses.  Pray for me.  Pray that I am honest with the God who created and loves me....there is nothing worse or that I fear more than not being truthful in the lap of my Savior....so many things I could miss out on.

So here's to not having diabetes at 40, to not spending my 30's with no energy, to being ready if God calls us to more children, to living to see my Grandkids (ohm'gah- that is the most exciting thought ever).....to RUNNING into truth......and not accepting less than who God created me to be.

preparing the fields.....

I am a planner. I tend to look past the moment to the next event, celebration, marking moment......if there is not one, I will create one to look forward to.  This is not always a healthy way to deal with things.  The present moment is far to important......  


So, here lies my problem, my issue (or my sickness): Isn't there a fine line between planning and preparing? There has to be, because far too many times I intend to prepare, to trust and wait on the Lord only to find myself planning His next move and asking Him to hurry up and fulfill my plan.  




I have been sitting on this blog a while.....it seems unfinished, yet, in order to organize it, I had to put it on paper- and seeing as how I don't pre-write, consider this my "rough draft"...


There is a story about two farmers.  I most recently heard this story in the film "Facing the Giants."  The two farmers both had crops desperately in need of rain.  Both farmers loved God. Both farmers prayed He would send the rain.  But, like every good parable, there is a twist.  Only one farmer went out and plowed the field in preparation for the rain.  In the story the question is posed: Who had more faith?
In my mind this makes sense....but the longer I think about it, it gets dangerously close to the expression "God helps those who help themselves"........wow.  false.  God helps? Helps us on our way?  What is He- a fireman? a crossing guard? insurance?  I have always been irritated by the expression and don't even get me started on when it is quoted as scripture... I want to scream- in a Godly, loving way, of course:)


I felt strongly about preparing the field as I was praying for God to heal Branson.  We spoke of her, painted her furniture, bought clothing, arranged the nursery, bought her "duck"....pressed forward in expectation of our answered prayer.  I felt that I was walking out my faith:


I am not just praying, Lord. I believe you want to heal her.  I am walking it out, Lord.  Watch me trust you, Father.  I am painting. I am ready for her, believing in your power, mercy, goodness.......


I felt like it was the right thing to do...and I still do.
But now, I am struggling with how to handle my plans.  


I am daily convicted of my selfishness....and not the kind that is entirely recognizable.  My friend Jeremy Caris, recently was able to illuminate a well-hidden trick of the enemy.  The enemy has a way of using your self-focus to distract you from Jesus.  If you have ever read C.S. Lewis's "Screwtape Letters" you know this all too well. (If you haven't read it, you need to).  The head demon in the fictional letters constantly reminds the other demons to distract the humans.  


“When this, or any other distraction, crosses his mind you ought to encourage him to thrust it away by sheer will power and to try to continue the normal prayer as if nothing had happened; once he accepts the distraction as his present problem and lays that before the Enemy and makes it the main theme of his prayers and his endeavours, then, so far from doing good, you have done harm.” CS Lewis "The Screwtape Letters"


It is so easy to become distracted.  The enemy can even use "good things" to do it.  Service that becomes about you and how it makes you feel.  Volunteer hours that keep you from parenting your children, preaching that builds pride in you for your intellect, words of truth that you do not say in love, power in the workplace that you abuse, etc....... 
For me, I have been given a choice...or a series of choices when dealing with Branson's death- choices to either pray or not pray, prepare or not, be a victim or not, share or not.....


I was mostly aware of these daily decisions as they happened.  I did not feel the enemy sneaking into my plans, placing "plans" at the forefront of my mind....consuming my thoughts with the biggest hindrance- the thing that can most hinder my work for the kingdom.  The very thing that keeps me distracted from what God wants to do: ME


It is not only possible....it happened.  Somewhere along the road to healing, I became the focus. How am I feeling? How am I doing? What are my plans? What do I need? 
When I sat down to pray, I was praying for me......just me.  
How easily I had put away the prayers for my husband, my children, unless they involved the plans I had formed in my mind......
How quickly I had lost focus on the kingdom, the lost, my friends- their struggles. Sure, I was listening, loving....but I was not praying....because my prayer list was full: of me.


I am learning to be a vessel. I am learning that I need to be ready to be used by Him.   I am learning to understand that being prepared means that I am aware of the movement of God in my life and around me. I am learning that preparing the fields means that I do what has been ordained by God to do: serve others, pray, seek His will, eat healthy, parent well, honor my husband, stay out of debt, give generously......duh, right?......


So, when I am confronted with the compulsion to plan my life, or tempted to dive into and wallow in the mud of my own selfish focus- even with the thought of having another baby- I will focus my eyes on preparing the field for whatever rains on me.......even if the rain never comes.

the ins and outs of doors.

......so yesterday I opened the door to let Eason in and the dog got out and was gone for over 6 hours.  I remained calm, reassured the kids, called Will to tell him-calmly.....
and then I frantically searched the shelter websites and went out to call him every 15 minutes......I was kicking myself for opening the door.  Five minutes before that I had told the kids to use the back door...to avoid such things.  Don't get me wrong....I am not an "inside dog fanatic"....He just has been a stray so long, I want him to be good and used to us before he goes journeyin' around....I also want him "fixed" first:)


I was worried.


 I was.....this is unlike me- especially about a dog.  
Why had I opened the door?
Why didn't I have him up? Safe...protected....


Why was this different, new? Because I realized that every time my heart opens, anything can enter. Just like opening the door for Eason- it was a risk. Even if I had planned, grabbed his collar, had him crated, anything could have gotten in.


Don't forget that I am married to an exterminator...... Imagine dealing with mice, bedbugs, fleas, cockroaches, drain flies, and ants all day.  When you come home to an open door, kids standing in the doorway.....what would YOU be thinking.......


Shut the door, Johnna. 
Try and keep the door closed.
Make sure the kids close the door.  


I mean, I get it.  Everything flies in.....all kids of things.....they get in, fly about.....
My grandmother used to think flies came in and played in the toilet and then came to fly around her kitchen. She truly believed flies were malicious creatures out to contaminate her life....I digress.


I realized yesterday that I had allowed a piece of my heart to open up for the first time in a while- even if it was for a dog.  In that opening up, I am risking heartache....
This dog could be hurt, cost us a fortune, run away....break our hearts. I could have to explain to the kids he was gone...or even dead.....in fact, I WILL have to do that.  It is inevitable.  


Relationships are risky.  Trust is risky.  Restoration is risky.


Do we forgive that estranged family member? Do we allow the abuser to see their grandchildren? Do we  meet that friend for lunch- the one that hurt us so badly?  Do we continue to love someone who gives nothing in return? Do we seek to reach the village that does not know Jesus? Do we open our hearts to adoption when God says no to our pregnancy dreams? Do we walk in loneliness when God says no to a relationship? Do we trust when it hurts and we don't know what is on the other side of the door?

jaden calls this 1 on 1 time

What is the closed door doing for you? You may have, like me, closed areas up and told God He can have everything but that.  You will do everything but "this"....you may not even know that you have that place you hold on to....or maybe, like me, as soon as someone talks about a "secret area" of your life you know EXACTLY what that area is.  That is a good thing....that means you can still hear the Holy Spirit....He is still there....seeking all of you.

eason reading slim a story.

Open it.  Even if that means you are open to your heart breaking.  How many different illustrations do we need.  If you don't step in the water, your feet will stay hot on the sand...if you don't toil and plant it, it will not grow and bloom..if you don't jump, you won't feel the wind in your hair, you won't make a splash.....if you don't stand in the rain, you won't feel it wash over your body.....and on and on.


Open it. Know that when you open it, anything will try to get in- will try to interrupt the relationship and restoration.  Open it...but ask the Father to protect you.  He will not leave you alone to fight.  


Open it.  Living....It is worth it.  

Adding the the family.....

 We had been discussing a dog in length for the past few months...and we were hesitant...in fact, just plain selfish. I like being away from home all day some times, and I like being able to pick up and go on vacation when we want. I also know my children well enough to know that I will be handling most of the responsibilities associated with a dog. So we had put it off...indefinitely.  


A few weeks ago, someone dropped off this sweet little puppy.  Our neighbors tried to find the owners with no luck, and had taken him home until they could find him a more permanent place.  


I had wanted to wait until Jaden was a little older, and I didn't want a new puppy and new baby at the same time.  Jaden understood that we would need to wait until Branson was a little older so we could devote more time to the new puppy.  We all agreed.  We lost her, and with her loss, so went the plans we had set up...the dreams we had made, even down to the dream of a dog...................
And then, just like a blip on God's timeline for us, here shows up a sweet little mutt that stole our hearts.

 We adopted him today, complete with a little dog bed, leash and the best food I can find.  It is the honeymoon phase....I am sure we will find him sleeping on the sofa and eating cheap food soon enough.  
Thanks, Jesus, for giving us a friend to love and pet and look after. You use sweet things to heal and we believe you will use him as well.  

Holding on.....finding the jewels.

When I came home from the hospital without Branson, there were decisions that had to be made.  


Sell the cloth diapers I had purchased?


Pack away or give away the clothes we had lain out?


Give back or save maternity clothes?


Repaint, remove, repurpose nursery furniture?


These questions needed to be answered quickly....and it is the same at most any death.  How can you separate the mounds of stuff.  Where are the jewels in this pile of life things?  


Give away their clothes?
Sleep on my side or the middle of our bed?
Take down pictures, or put up more pictures?
Speak of them often or not at all?
Cry or not?
Take this box to the mission or put it in my attic?


Most of the time, these are not questions we specifically ask the Lord the answers to.  Most of the time we go on our gut, our emotions, our fears even.
After watching a few episodes of "Hoarders" there are definite themes..... 


For one, some things have lost value and some things have gained value. You will see boxes upon boxes of things that seemingly seem to have the same value.  The precious letter from Vietnam is stashed in with  McDonald's toys and the porcelain china from Paris in wrapped up underneath the box of 15 unopened Christmas ribbon spools.  There are no jewels to be found for they have been treated like garbage. The garbage is now just as important.


In most of the situations, someone has died.  You hear things like, "After my mother died, I was left with all of her things, and she collected china"....."When my grandma died of cancer she left me her dolls and told me to take care of them"......"When my mom died, I have all of her antiques. She said they were very valuable."...."When my mom and dad were killed in the car wreck, we boxed up everything in the garage. I don't know what is in there. It is too hard to go through." 

         For me, it is:    "When my dad died unexpectedly, he had almost nothing. So, what he did have, I have subjected to be valuable even when it is not...old tools, power cords, newspapers...even a pair of fingernail clippers."

         And this, too, is me:  "When Branson died, I was left with baby clothes, items, toiletries, diapers, maternity clothes, etc......"

Do you see it?  It doesn't take a psychiatrist to see that we are using the things to hold on to people....to connect, remember, memorialize.  It doesn't take a genius to also realize that at some level, way back maybe, this was partly the fault of the deceased.  
Let me explain:  
The value was placed on the things by the dying, or the pressure of keeping the "things" was non-verbally expressed, merely suggested or understood.  In some cases, the relationship was bare and empty to begin with, therefore using the "things" in place of actual connection or relationship.  
Whatever the case, real conversation about death and relationship was not taking place.  Their closest family may not know what is trash and what is treasure.....
In some cases, the people we lost did everything right, or the death was sudden....and in that case, we, the left behind, struggle to just hold on to anything.......then, even mundane "stuffs" becomes jewels...


When you are falling, it is only instinct that causes you to brace yourself, throw out your arms to catch you, protect your face with your hands, close your eyes in expectation for the abrupt earth beneath you.....
God instilled in you those instincts.  Did He not also promise to instill your spirit against "falling" as well....promising to be alongside you in your darkest, most desperate moments?  In those moments, when you don't have time to ask the questions.....when you are making decisions and walking through heartache, He can guide you, just the same....if you have asked Him to...if you have surrendered your own old, outdated, worthless map, broken compass and fearful spirit.  


In those first few days following Branson's death, He led me even when I didn't know it....caused me to make good decisions, cling to Him, involve my family and friends, be open and honest. He had become my instincts.......He was able to find jewels among the rubble.


I haven't ever asked you this before......and I may not ever ask you again...but, this morning, I feel that I should throw you a life raft......
Are you holding on to something? Something that doesn't actually keep you up? Think of it this way: If your ship is sinking, did you grab a worthless piece of wall art that won't support your weight in the water....or worse yet, did you grab a stone statue that is pulling you under? Are you fighting to keep not only you but the statue afloat as well?  


I simply say this: I have a life raft.  I have it for myself and for others. I can pick you up, and you can share the raft.  It can be your raft. 
No, you cannot bring your heavy stone statue. You must let it go.  And, no, the wall art will take up too much room....for we have more people to rescue. 
 If you have never seen a life raft before, I ask you to trust me....trust me that it is keeping me up.  If you doubt it, I ask you to try.  If you have been hurt or deceived by someone else trying to offer you a life raft I am sorry.  I am sorry. 



 I don't want you to be drowning, not in grief or loss or sorrow or depression or confusion.  
Ask Jesus to show Himself......throw down your heavy weights and ask Him to lift and support you.  He has Never said No......
and He has especially been waiting for you...holding on all this time...to you.....His Jewel.
  

Life and Death

Your Love is sweeter than honey. Your love is stronger than death. Your love lifts me of my burdens and teaches me to dance.

2 births and 2 funerals in 2 weeks.

I am overwhelmed with the inability to comprehend such entrance and exit of life.  

Landry Thomas Bounds

Within the past two weeks, I have welcomed a niece and nephew.  I have basked in the glory that is new life, kissed wrinkly toes and watched tiny tongues move inside tiny mouths. I have watched my baby cousin become a daddy....watched his spirit rise up into fatherhood with passion and energy. I have watched old parents become new parents again...once again immeshed in the newness.  It is all so beautiful.

Evelyn Ann Bounds

And then, we watch those we love slip away.  Some slowly....like my Mama Jean, who lingered in bad health for over a year, slowly slipping into more and more pain, more and more confusion. Her death, although somewhat expected in her 80's, still left a hole...a void in family...the end of an era.

Or they quickly are taken out of our lives.  My dear Aunt Nancy was diagnosed with cancer only a few weeks ago.  Tomorrow, we will bury her.  I watch as we stand numb and shocked...almost stunned still by the sudden robbing of life.  We hand her to our Father.....with much pain and reluctance.  We want her here.....

Daughters left with questions....Husbands left with emptiness......Sons left with heartache.....Grandchildren left with confusion, loss, the presence of weeping and weakness among those they see as strong......

So much....

So much.....

So much......

I had no idea Branson's death would be enveloped by such events. I had no idea that God would have me in this place.  I saw a tunnel and hoped that once I reached the end that I would find peace...no more trouble...no more heartache.

What a foolish thought.  Is there a place on this earth where I would find myself NOT needing my Father, my Savior?

Is the end of this tunnel on this earth.....is not the end of my tunnel heaven itself?  I will always need Him...and He is teaching me....teaching me that I will always need Him, that He wants me near Him, dependent on Him...loving Him, Praising Him....

He is teaching me to pray, to lean, to bow, to submit.....but to do it with my arms High, my chin up, my heart in reverent understanding that I am a daughter of the King, that I am beautiful, that I am His....

He is teaching me to sing...teaching me to love, teaching me to dance.