preparing the fields.....

I am a planner. I tend to look past the moment to the next event, celebration, marking moment......if there is not one, I will create one to look forward to.  This is not always a healthy way to deal with things.  The present moment is far to important......  


So, here lies my problem, my issue (or my sickness): Isn't there a fine line between planning and preparing? There has to be, because far too many times I intend to prepare, to trust and wait on the Lord only to find myself planning His next move and asking Him to hurry up and fulfill my plan.  




I have been sitting on this blog a while.....it seems unfinished, yet, in order to organize it, I had to put it on paper- and seeing as how I don't pre-write, consider this my "rough draft"...


There is a story about two farmers.  I most recently heard this story in the film "Facing the Giants."  The two farmers both had crops desperately in need of rain.  Both farmers loved God. Both farmers prayed He would send the rain.  But, like every good parable, there is a twist.  Only one farmer went out and plowed the field in preparation for the rain.  In the story the question is posed: Who had more faith?
In my mind this makes sense....but the longer I think about it, it gets dangerously close to the expression "God helps those who help themselves"........wow.  false.  God helps? Helps us on our way?  What is He- a fireman? a crossing guard? insurance?  I have always been irritated by the expression and don't even get me started on when it is quoted as scripture... I want to scream- in a Godly, loving way, of course:)


I felt strongly about preparing the field as I was praying for God to heal Branson.  We spoke of her, painted her furniture, bought clothing, arranged the nursery, bought her "duck"....pressed forward in expectation of our answered prayer.  I felt that I was walking out my faith:


I am not just praying, Lord. I believe you want to heal her.  I am walking it out, Lord.  Watch me trust you, Father.  I am painting. I am ready for her, believing in your power, mercy, goodness.......


I felt like it was the right thing to do...and I still do.
But now, I am struggling with how to handle my plans.  


I am daily convicted of my selfishness....and not the kind that is entirely recognizable.  My friend Jeremy Caris, recently was able to illuminate a well-hidden trick of the enemy.  The enemy has a way of using your self-focus to distract you from Jesus.  If you have ever read C.S. Lewis's "Screwtape Letters" you know this all too well. (If you haven't read it, you need to).  The head demon in the fictional letters constantly reminds the other demons to distract the humans.  


“When this, or any other distraction, crosses his mind you ought to encourage him to thrust it away by sheer will power and to try to continue the normal prayer as if nothing had happened; once he accepts the distraction as his present problem and lays that before the Enemy and makes it the main theme of his prayers and his endeavours, then, so far from doing good, you have done harm.” CS Lewis "The Screwtape Letters"


It is so easy to become distracted.  The enemy can even use "good things" to do it.  Service that becomes about you and how it makes you feel.  Volunteer hours that keep you from parenting your children, preaching that builds pride in you for your intellect, words of truth that you do not say in love, power in the workplace that you abuse, etc....... 
For me, I have been given a choice...or a series of choices when dealing with Branson's death- choices to either pray or not pray, prepare or not, be a victim or not, share or not.....


I was mostly aware of these daily decisions as they happened.  I did not feel the enemy sneaking into my plans, placing "plans" at the forefront of my mind....consuming my thoughts with the biggest hindrance- the thing that can most hinder my work for the kingdom.  The very thing that keeps me distracted from what God wants to do: ME


It is not only possible....it happened.  Somewhere along the road to healing, I became the focus. How am I feeling? How am I doing? What are my plans? What do I need? 
When I sat down to pray, I was praying for me......just me.  
How easily I had put away the prayers for my husband, my children, unless they involved the plans I had formed in my mind......
How quickly I had lost focus on the kingdom, the lost, my friends- their struggles. Sure, I was listening, loving....but I was not praying....because my prayer list was full: of me.


I am learning to be a vessel. I am learning that I need to be ready to be used by Him.   I am learning to understand that being prepared means that I am aware of the movement of God in my life and around me. I am learning that preparing the fields means that I do what has been ordained by God to do: serve others, pray, seek His will, eat healthy, parent well, honor my husband, stay out of debt, give generously......duh, right?......


So, when I am confronted with the compulsion to plan my life, or tempted to dive into and wallow in the mud of my own selfish focus- even with the thought of having another baby- I will focus my eyes on preparing the field for whatever rains on me.......even if the rain never comes.