running in circles....

How can you not be inspired by these pictures.  In many ways, I look at these pictures and I can actually SEE myself in these women.  Just like someone with an eating disorder can look in the mirror at 80 lbs and see "fat", I can look in the mirror and still see the 19 year old athlete.  It is quite amusing.  The jeans that I hold up in front of me look like they should fit....yet, I can only pull them up to my mid-thigh.  I have even taken them off, beat and stretched them only to find that I am not, in fact, still a size 8- no matter how much I abuse the poor denim victims....bless their hearts.....






*** some background: I am 5' 9 1/2"( that half inch is important because it effects my BMI)  ....I weighed 140 lbs in high school when I was playing year round high school soccer.  When I went to college and played college soccer at 19 I lost about 10 lbs.  I spent about 2 months severely abusing my body and dropped to 119.  I then found out I was pregnant with Jaden.  I gained 53 lbs with her.  I was 172 when I went in for my induction. Since that moment on October 24th, 2001, the lowest my weight has been was 157 lbs at my wedding in 2004.( and I looked goooooooood:)  In 2007, I gained 
10 lbs, had a miscarriage, did not lose the weight and then immediately got pregnant with Eason.  I was 185 lbs when I had Eason.  I was still at 180 when I got pregnant with Branson....and I have lost NOTHING since we lost her.  ******

I am aware of the number on the scale, the lack of comfort that I feel in clothes and even the heart rate as I climb a set of stairs.  What I haven't come to grips with, is the way I look in photos.  I can dress myself, fix my hair and feel good about how I look in the mirror.  Thirty minutes later, I can see myself in a photo and want to throw the camera across the room.....


There is a gap between who I am in the mirror and what I look like in the photo.  There is a gap between what I say I want and what I actually do.  There is a gap between what I need to eat and what I want to eat.  There are gaps......
I find myself running in a circle....running from the issue and never.....actually........RUNNING.
God set up such a simple remedy to the pounds.  He allowed our body to burn the fat and calories that we didn't need.  He is a genius.  Yet, here I am ....NOT. RUNNING.

It is like that is so many more places in my life.  Thanks to my friend Scott, it is now more evident than ever.  He has been pretty raw about the places in his life that needed discipline.....he has not only been raw, but he has acted....He is pretty much awesome.  I have watched him, more than once, model what conviction is supposed to look like.  He responds to the Holy Spirit.  Instead of knowing and deliberating..he acts.  He listens, He repents, He moves.

I am going to be raw with you.
I want to be thinner, but I also want company from food while I am alone in my house. I want to celebrate with it when I am out.  I want to treat myself and the kids with sweets.  I want to eat as I am driving, as I am resting, as I am playing.  I use it as company, as reward and as medicine.   I choose the food that will supply the most immediate gratification. I think about what I might look like bigger as I am eating it.  I kick myself afterwards.  I think about skipping the next meal to make up for it.
My biggest thought:
 Why the CRAP would I try to eat well and lose weight, when I might be getting pregnant and putting it all back on again! It is so hard, and it would be for nothing!


So, part of my preparation for being ready to do whatever God calls me to do begins with food.  I began recording what it was that I was eating......I am making choices.  I am using judgement and wisdom to eat healthier things....to eat less things.  I have done a pretty good job.  I am so hungry, I won't lie....and sweet tea shows up in my dreams....but I want to show myself that I can do it, and I want to tell my heavenly Father that He is enough for me....

I don't ever want to send the message that I need more than Him.....it is a false message.....My heart doesn't believe it, so why do my actions send that message?


I have food issues. This would be enough, but I also have exercise issues.  I feel guilty for leaving my husband and kids to exercise.  I don't want to exercise in the evenings when the family is together. I don't want to pay for a gym, I don't really like classes with a group, I hate to run, I am lazy...blah blah blah.....it is a wonder I am not 400 lbs....( maybe my excuses alone weigh 20 lbs....i should dump THEM...lol) ***nervous, irrelevant humor inserted to alleviate stress while writing about weight..*****

I need to exercise....there, I said it. I am convicted and I am working on being repentant.  I am not there yet. I am still making excuses.  Pray for me.  Pray that I am honest with the God who created and loves me....there is nothing worse or that I fear more than not being truthful in the lap of my Savior....so many things I could miss out on.

So here's to not having diabetes at 40, to not spending my 30's with no energy, to being ready if God calls us to more children, to living to see my Grandkids (ohm'gah- that is the most exciting thought ever).....to RUNNING into truth......and not accepting less than who God created me to be.