Anxiety (part 2)

I spent a few hours yesterday in the midst of tubs of baby stuff. I had packed it all up in March- and by packed, I mean threw everything baby-related into about 9 tubs.  Then, I stuck them downstairs.....piled up in a crude "time-out."  Anyway, they felt looming.  I knew they could be paired down....so that is what I did yesterday for a few hours.  


I did ok.  It felt good to touch some of the things I had forgotten about. It also was good to rescue some items that I had put in there....guilty by association, I guess.  I was able to give away a few things, make a goodwill bag of stuff to go, pull a few things out to save and box up the rest....this time in 6 plastic tubs.  I also moved them out of Will's "man-room"......and he noticed.


Branson would be four months old.  As I told a friend a few days ago, I am glad that I saw her and held her little newborn body.  It allows me to not spend the days, weeks and months seeing and imagining how she "would be"....for some reason, I will just always see her as the small little newborn she was.  I am glad for this. 


I did have some anxiety as I rummaged through the clothes.  I realized that if we tried for another baby, that having a girl may be more difficult than having a boy. I wondered if I would struggle with trying to convince myself that I wasn't trying to replace her.  It was a new feeling....I wondered if Will would struggle. He was the one that longed for another little girl.  What was he thinking now? Did he still long, or was Branson the little girl he longed for?  


Is there a good time to ask him that question?


As we walk through the next few months I stand against a few major anxieties.
1) Is my body healthy? Can my body support a growing baby? If the cause of Branson's diagnosis was me, then am I healed...or is there still an issue.


2) Are our children ok? How can I lead them through healing? How do I know the extent of what they are feeling?  


3) If God is calling us to different things, I pray He makes those things obvious and keeps us from ever getting pregnant. If more children are not in His plan, I pray He makes it very clear and that we listen.  




I stand against these anxieties in the name of Jesus...not in my own strength, but in Him.  I trust Him and allow Him into these areas.  I release His power over them in my life.  I have fear, but I refuse to allow it to win.  I will walk into the wind.