the seven stages of grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL
2. PAIN & GUILT

3. ANGER & BARGAINING

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS

5. THE UPWARD TURN
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE


I am nervous when anyone gives me 7 "steps" to anything.....The mention of a generalized process worries me.  I am not like any other person, and my experiences, even with grief have all been different unto themselves. 


Does mere experience of each step mean I am healed? 
Do I have to go in order? 
What if I don't experience one? 
Will there ever be hope for me? 


I realize psychology is allowed to make generalizations, and I know the list is meant to be helpful, so I thought I would look back through the list...you know, to make sure I was "doing it right". 


1. Shock and Denial.....Finding out about her diagnosis was surely a shock. Having had two, normal, uneventful pregnancies and deliveries and this one being as uneventful for 30 weeks made the devastating news more jarring to my mind and especially my heart.  
I was not in denial, just hopeful that the Lord would heal her...aware there were things that only the Lord knew- the unseen.  No, the shock came when He did not heal her here and now.  The shock came at the glimpse of the far bigger picture.  The one that, like a gigantic painting, I cannot seem to get far enough away from for it to come all the way into focus.  The shock that there is so much I do not know or understand.  The shock that my faith and desires are pieces to His ultimate puzzle, not the puzzle themselves.


2. Pain and Guilt....Pain, yes...I seem to have quite a bucketful of that. It ebbs and flows like the shore of the lake- calm and serene at times, murky at others. Like the lake it also rushes violently- the memories and hurts rushing towards me with a memory or comment like the heavy wake of a passing speedboat.  The only guilt I have is the lack of time I spent cherishing the pregnancy- the comments about how sore I was, the heartburn...the comment I made about her not moving as much-"I would be just fine if she was a calm quiet baby!"...I had said it so flippantly...


3. Anger and Bargaining....I have not done this since Branson's death.  I was angry for brief moments during the 4-5 weeks that we begged and prayed for her...I worked hard to steer away from bargaining with God....very hard.  I had my heart set against any promises to Him or bargaining with Him... It felt so demeaning to who HE was...a cheap attempt.  So, no.  Since her death I have not been angry...and I will not bargain with Him. I will not.


4. Depression, Reflection, Loneliness...  I am not depressed.  Although, I am not sure I would be able to say that if it had stayed cold and wet for much longer.  Thankfully, there are too many people in my life, in my business for me to go long without smiling and laughing.  I am not against medicines for depression, but in my case, I am aware of my tendencies, my weaknesses.  I know that I would come to rely on such medicine quickly and possibly addictively.  So, I waited it out to see if my hormones and feelings would balance out with time, friends, conversation etc.  And, so far, they have.  My body is getting stronger, and mentally "thinner" :)  
I have done much reflection(am doing it now)...and will continue reflecting on this until the day I die...not obsessing, just reflecting.  I am lonely for her, but I am not lonely.


5. The Upward Turn....hilarious.  What a concept...are you supposed to know when you have hit this!? On January 8, 2013 I had an "upward turn."  Is this a year, a month, an event?? I am skipping this one....


6. Reconstruction and Working Through...This part is about looking for solutions to the problems posed by the loss, so right away, I am aware that I fall short in this category.  There is no solution...Nothing can solve the problem of losing her- of not having her in our family. I am aware that having another baby is part of some people's reconstruction phase, and I can see the purpose or rationale in that.  However, ours has been more explanation and clarity than reconstruction.  We are walking in the questions of our children....answering them the best we can, hugging them and holding them when the tears come.  We watched as Jaden acted the process out the other day, as she and eason spoke briefly of Branson and missing her.  We are seeking clarity so that we can show clarity to them...so that we can see clearly what God wants us to see and trust in Him for the rest.


7.  Acceptance and Hope... We are here.  We accept her death.  We know there is hope. Hope for full healing. Hope to carry scars that remind us of her existence, His love, our marriage, His restoration.


Then, do we win!? 
Is our score an A+? 100 %? Can it be, since we skipped certain other steps?


We win, because He has won...because He took our suffering and pain on the cross, bearing everything and more than we would ever experience.  He knows pain...and He wins....