Cloudy Skies

Two months ago today, we buried Branson under a cloud-filled rainy sky.  As the air became filled with praise, the clouds broke.  There was sunlight.  Today, it rains....memories, blessings, release.


There is a discrepancy between what I feel and what I feel allowed to feel.  A brick wall separating reality and perception.  We went for a hike last weekend.  It was strenuous- a quick, elevated ascent to a beautiful tip-top experience. I was absolutely dying.  My lungs screamed for mercy and my heart seemed to beat out of my chest.  I had never felt more physically unable in all my life.  As I struggled, a thought arose in my mind: 


You delivered a baby 7 weeks ago........


The thought physically choked me.  The tears begged to flow.....But, instead, I swallowed hard.  I felt I couldn't allow such a thought. Unlike a mother who nurses a 7 week old, I was here without her. 
My body was not the body of a mother who had just given birth...for I have no 7 week old.


My heart and soul and body don't align.  Nothing aligns....I am left feeling like the chasm between what I do feel and what I am allowed to feel will forever be bridge-less.


Just as I stood at her grave wondering how God was going to use this, I stand today wondering how God is going to use my weakness. 
 I cling to Him.....for He makes sense from senselessness.
He makes strength from brokenness.
He makes beauty from ashes.
He makes purpose from wandering.


He makes sunlight break free from cloudy skies.