Praying for Jaden

So much pain and questions in such a young heart.  Jaden has mucked through this with us bravely, but not without many tears and frustrations. 
I share her thoughts with you for two reasons. 1) that you may wholeheartedly pray for her- continuously throughout the next few months. and 2) that you may know what may be on the hearts of your own children as they learn the cruelties and sinfulness of this world, and the just, merciful, mysterious nature of our God.


from her lips:
"I am angry that we had to have only footprints instead of her real feet"
"I remember her most when I am quiet and still"
"I am afraid that we won't have any more people in our family"
"I am sad that it had to be her that God showed Himself through, instead of someone else"
"I am jealous that other people have their babies alright"
"I am worried that the sadness won't go away"
"I want to pray for healing for our hearts...especially eason"
"I keep telling God that I will still love Him."


These are her words.  Her thoughts among many.

The other day, Jaden was playing dolls in the living room while I sat punching out a geography quiz on the computer. Will was around and we played along as she brought us her baby "Mary".  She talked about visiting her husband in New York(he was a famous actor) and I ooed and awwed over my "grandbaby" and volunteered to keep her.  Moments later Jaden returned to pick up "Mary" and came also bearing news that she was going to have another baby. I responded with an appopriate "yay!" right on cue, and Jaden went off to the Dr.'s appointment.  She returned to tell us that it was twins! This continued until the twins were born and another baby boy after that.  I continued to play along, as did Will with an occasional grandfatherly "oh, she is so beautiful" or "come to Papa!".  There was one more on the way, but this time, as she "returned from the Dr." she had tears in her eyes. With sobs, she told me that this baby had not made it.  


So there we sat, Jaden and I, embraced in a make-believe loss- An acting out of all the emotions she had felt, and yet embarking on an entirely longer journey.  With tears, I enveloped her, crying for her, for Branson, all the while knowing that I could possibly be experiencing this with her one day... 

We ate out as a family tonight.  The four of us.  I think that when we are together as four, she senses the loss the most.  On the car ride home she was in tears...aware that this was not how she had planned it.  She had given great thought to the car seat situation - Where Branson would sit, what would be easiest, how she could help etc.  She is aware that she has lost her, lost the sister she believed would walk into old age with her.  Like I said, it comes in waves.


Lord, You are mysterious, yet You ask me to seek You. You are merciful always, yet one hundred percent Just.  You are jealous for me, yet You lead me through fire that burns, that chars the ugliest parts of me- refining my heart, restoring my soul.  I do not pretend to know of Your ways, but I do know You- and I do love You.