Really good and really bad....

Her headstone came in....they called to tell us.  The headstone that an anonymous friend paid for- selflessly loving us.....loving Branson.....loving Jesus.
I stood by it Friday and felt relief at seeing such a beautiful and permanent marker for her....I felt distance...and that felt both really bad and really good.


Jaden's beads are still there, and eason left a soldier there....more for his memory and association with the visits than for her....it really helps for him to have something he can remember, touch, leave....


I don't even have a word for the place that I am in.  I just simply need prayer....and for the Holy Spirit to just interpret my heart and step in.  I know He does. Somewhere between the pit of my stomach and my lips, I lose grasp of what the feeling is.  Like trying to recall an unfamiliar face...one you saw for a split second in the dark.  That is what it feels like to explain how I "am."


I am doing better at answering honestly. I find myself answering more honestly, actually, than people expect.  They say sincerely "How are you?" and I answer appropriately.  Most of the time it is "alright" or "better today than yesterday" and sometimes "ugh...it is a hard day."  But occasionally someone will ask on a bad day, I will answer, and then there is a long, silent pause- and we both stand and wonder what we are supposed to say.  


I am frustrated when the words don't come.  They seem to be all I have to reach outside of the "stomach pit" feeling...and without them, I have to sit with the feeling- and I simply don't wanna.


So, I am here standing in front of the Lord, as Zachariah did....wordless, silenced.....unable to relate my feelings, thoughts or revelations. I know that it is purposeful...and so, like all other things, I will wait for my tongue to return and wait for the purposes to be revealed...


Please continue to pray for me....I covet your prayers.