Plan B

This little girl's name is Vivienne.  That is the original French spelling.  I love the way the name trails off with an "e"....I am a little obsessed with it.....For a few reasons: 

1) It is French

2) It is an older name

3) It means "Alive" and "Life"....Not just in symbolism, but in the Latin origin.

but most of all

4) When I mentioned it as a possibility to Will, he literally put his hand on his heart and gasped.  He then proceeded to call her "Vivi" and he put his head straight to my belly to talk to her.  I was hooked.

God has spoken to me very clearly a few times about this baby.  I already mentioned to you that he gave me the word "Spunky" for her...which, I know doesn't seem like a word the Almighty might use...but He did.

The next thing that He spoke over her was that her life was in the hands of no Doctor or nurse....no professional.....not even in our hands.  

The thing that He has revealed to me in this advent season about Vivi is that she is no Plan (B).  

I was meant to conceive and carry Branson for the exact time that God gave her to me.  I was meant to bond with her, dream of her, learn about her personality.  I was meant to be blessed in His giving, and I was meant to experience the loss of her.  I am done asking "why".  I simply continue to ask Him "how" to walk it out...how to be honest about the grief and the joy that I experience every day.  Vivienne is not a replacement baby, just as dinner doesn't replace breakfast.  You need both.....Both were meant to feed me, nourish me, teach me. Both are blessings from the Lord.  Both are my girls.

It is still a mystery- the perfect will of God. I believe that He has ordained my path, that He holds my life in His hands, that His plan for the universe included His plan for my days. 

 I also believe that our choices dictate how much of His will we get to walk out ourselves.  My choices concerning Branson, for example: to have never been willing to get pregnant and try for a 3rd baby......to have aborted her when I learned of her health concerns.....to have disregarded and dismissed her as a life, a daughter-never acknowledging her personhood after she was gone.......to become bitter after she died- angry at God and unforgiving- drowning in self-pity.....to allow her death to create a pattern of walking in fear in my life from here on out....to decide God was mean, sadistic or just didn't know what He was doing.

There were so many choices. Each of those choices determined whether or not I would experience and learn the will of God in the way He had set out for me... 

My life is not a series of Plan (Bs).  God did not look at my screwed up choices and wonder "what am I going to do with her now?"  He knew my shortcomings, my experiences, my gifts as he formed me inside of my mother.  He loved me enough to give me the freedom to choose and blessed me over and over again even when I failed Him, even when I chose to go my own way- He drew me back to himself time and time again.

Why am I learning this in Advent?  Because it isn't the first time that a baby has NOT been God's Plan (B).  Jesus was not a last minute effort by the Almighty to save us.  It was His plan from the fall.  It was the only way to bring restoration to the world. It was the only thing that would satisfy the wrath of sin. It was the only perfect sacrifice that would atone for my choices.  It was part of THE Master Plan....and so is Vivi.