johnna and will: Papa- the journey through losing my dad.

The stages of grief:
Shock and Denial
Pain and Guilt
Anger
Depression
Upward Turn
Reconstruction
Acceptance

4 years ago today, I stood teaching a 12th grade English class.....At 10 am I noticed my phone blinking a number I did not recognize. Partly because I was teaching, and mostly because I was angry and stubborn, I did not answer it.

I was angry and hurt....because after 2 years of partial sobriety-the longest he had ever gone- my dad was on a binge....It was December......he was an alcoholic.....the pattern was all too familiar, and I was all too fed up. I knew this dance, and I usually played it with anger- then forgiveness.

I had decided I was not ready to make nice....and I did not speak to him. He did not call again-

The following day, a Friday, I received a phone call that he was gone. He had died in his bed- trying to recover and detox. He was 54 years old.

I could go into all the details- the beautiful conversation that occurred between he and my mother the night before- the AA books out- the Bible open beside his bed littered with gatorade bottles- the journal of letters to me I found after his death- the perfect restoration of who he now is in heaven...but I don't want to.

Today, I am feel hurt and guilty and angry.....stuck all the way back in stage 2.....

I guess what I am saying is that I miss him....and that grief, loss, conflict, anger- they all ebb and flow....and I don't pretend to know what tomorrow holds. I do know this: I wish that forgiveness had been wrapped in truth...instead of withholding it until I felt like it... It is possible to forgive when you don't feel like it..and most of the time, I should.