The approaching fall...

As I write, the kids are outside building a fort in the pasture....at least, I think they still are.................................... Yep, they are.  It is pitiful...but I have resisted the urge to help them. I want Jaden to step up a little. To get creative and lead her brother a little more.  I also want him to pitch in.  He sure is the baby. He loves to be done for.

So far, we have done 1 1/2 weeks of school....and so far, so good.  Jaden is becoming very self-motivated. I am outlining and preparing her tasks the night before, and she is doing them well the next morning. Eason's day is a little more flexible with a few more play breaks and much more attention:) We have done some fun science lessons and puzzles.  Jaden had her first day of Co-op last week and really enjoyed it.  There is so much pressure off of my shoulders compared to this time last fall. It is as if the Lord has really paved the road when it comes to the kids and school. It is nice to feel the relief and the relaxation.  It is a sweet blessing.

My heart is full.  It is almost swollen.  I am struggling...no lie.  I am almost unable to feel all the emotions I am feeling at once.  It comes out in jumbles.  It gets mixed up between my heart and my mouth.  My fear comes out in anger, my anger in tears, my expectation as worry.....It is hard for me to keep up with what I am truly feeling and how I am acting.  This I do know. I am NOT acting well.  I am moody.  I have not been very nice. I have been demanding.  If I were Will, I would have tied me up in a bed sheet and dropped me at my mother's house.....because I have been acting 13....really, I have.

I want space....lots of it.
In space, I am allowed to have my unorganized thoughts....no definitions are required for my feelings. I can be just a little bit numb.  

Outside of the relationship, I can just think about me. I can allow myself to just focus on not focusing.


Without someone reflecting my actions, I can reflect anything I want to the outside world. 


The desire for isolation is understandable...but dangerous.  It is selfish...It is outside of God's calling for me.
So, I must figure out how to love my husband well- even when I want him to stay at least 20 feet away:) I have to remember the season- the plan - the big picture- who has carried me when I was falling.
Remember? Remember when I said I didn't want to lose the feeling of needing him so much? I wrote it. I knew how easy it could be to lose sight of NEEDING my husband...of NEEDING my Jesus.  I have abandoned my God in peacetime before. I remember the danger of walking out of His fortress walls... and it is just as dangerous to walk out of the intimate walls of my marriage as well.....

So pray that I remain intimately connected during the next few months.- That I do not allow worry or selfishness or fear to drive me to isolation.

I will leave you with a picture of the little fort my kids built......so cute.