Beginning.......

I have had trouble connecting....
Anyone that knows me can tell you....I immediately attach to unborn babies.  As soon as someone is pregnant- as soon as I am pregnant, I begin talking, chatting, singing to these babies.  They immediately have personality, and I am filled with hopes and dreams for them from the very start.

I have struggled with this in this pregnancy.  I pray for this baby. I think about him or her.  I talk... I wish....I speak of....

But I have struggled with the same kind of attachment that I usually have and I know this mostly based on one obvious gap in this pregnancy- The journal.

For each of my children, even the two I have lost, I have a pregnancy journal.  It chronicles the finding out, the family reactions, the physical effects, the hopes the dreams and the connections pre-birth with my sweet baby.  Jaden's is thick....full of pleadings to the Lord, confusions, confessions and full-on submisssion to the path my life was about to take.  Amelia's is thin- simply outlining our excitement, our plans and then our words to her as she left us.  Eason's is as heroic a pregnancy journal has ever been- we were deep with excitement and anticipation, and there were two of us to write...... Branson's begins much like that- excited words from her daddy calling her "little girl" from day 1.  There are prayers and dreams and messages from her big sister.  The entries became pleas to the Lord, begs for mercy, prayers for healing and ultimately submission to His perfect will.

I have meant to start one.  In my mind, I told myself I would wait until the 8 week appt...then the 12 week appt....and here I am: almost 16 weeks.....
I am longing for connection for a gender, a name- a clear face photo...anything that God may use to break through the wall of fear around my heart.

We have struggled with names, but God has made a personality trait clear to me: this baby is spunky.

Spunky.  That was straight from my Father.  That this child had a sort of clear-focused energy.  So, because my Jesus led me there, I follow- knowing that He is leading me and teaching me as quickly as I can "get it"...(There IS a reason He moves slowly sometimes (;    )

I will begin the journal this weekend.