Ten Years of Being a Mommy......

My oldest turns 10 today....

Yep...There she is...in all her glory.

She was born at 9:08 this evening 10 years ago after 16 hours of induction.  I was 19, unmarried, and scared.

I love hindsight. I would actually prefer to live in hindsight forever.  It is so much clearer....like the last 2 chapters of a good novel that tie up the loose ends so gracefully.  Sometimes, at the end of a good novel, you get a good hint of what is to come....as sequel- more.  This is where I was the night that Jaden was born.....with a glimpse of hindsight and a good hint at what was to come.

It is pretty easy for me to see back down the road I have walked thus far.  I see the hills and paved places...times where I coasted- no pedaling- hands raised- hair blowing.  I remember the trudging, the potholes, the gaps and canyons between where I was and where I wanted to be.

But mostly, on that road, I see Jaden.  I see the baby born to a baby.  I can see us growing up together...her teaching me, me teaching her.  It is almost impossible for me to remember back before she was here.  She has become as much a part of who I am....yet, she is herself...her own person with her own will, spirit, choices, future.  I am learning, still, to walk beside the baby I have carried so long.  It isn't easy.

I have long stated that God gives us children to teach us what we need to learn- like a giant mirror to reflect the rough edges that need sanding....a hi-liter to indicate the places where we need Him.

I pray that I continue to grow and change and mother....but I also pray that I do it with patience, humility and grace.

The best news.....

boy or girl?

Our baby- at 16 1/2 weeks is as healthy as can be.  THAT is the best news ever.

At our appointment this week, little one was kicking, stretching, jumping, waving, dancing....the head circumference was perfect....the little baby was perfect.
I am also pleased to say that things that usually occur in my pregnancies are not occurring. I have zero high blood pressure which I have had with all other 3 pregnancies....I am not gaining too much or too little....I have had zero infections...no heartburn(yet lol)......It has been so different.

So, we are praising God for health.  At that appointment, I knew I was past 16 weeks. I also knew that I was getting an ultrasound. So, Will made sure he was there and we took both kids.....we were stoked to find out what we were having...and I was dying to know.

As I stated previously, I have had trouble connecting to this baby. I usually bond very early, and I have eagerly awaited the connection to take place...at 8 weeks.....after the first ultrasound.......at 12 weeks......after the 1st trimester screenings...when I felt kicks......
It wasn't happening....and I was dying to be connected. I just knew that knowing if this baby was a boy or girl would do it.....I could envision them...call them by name.......talk to him/her.  It would help.

However, the doc wasn't ready to determine sex. He kindly prodded us to wait until our 20 week anatomy scan- no big deal.  He pointed out his opinion about error in determination.  He was sweet about it, but persistent.

I held back the tears until we made it to the car. We had driven separate and as the kids and I exited the parking garage I lost it.   Jaden understood.....was disappointed along with me and encouraged me to wait. She is so much braver than me.  I was heartbroken to wait 4 long weeks.  And I was embarrassed to care so much. Had I not just seen my healthy baby on the screen 10 minutes ago? Had I not been blessed beyond comprehension? Was I that demanding and impatient? yes.

I knew that all I had to do was call the private sonogram company in the area and make an appointment. I knew that Will would support me. I just didn't know if it was right.
Was I circumventing God's plan for me by making an appointment? Would I miss out on something I was meant to learn- a growing moment.  Was I simply being an impatient brat?   Would my doctor be mad that I had not heeded his advice....or obeyed him?

I made the appointment.  I made it because it wasn't wrong to do so.  I made it because I wanted to connect to this baby. I made it to avoid the stress and sadness of being disconnected.  I made it- and it was the best $99 I ever spent.

I cannot fully explain to you what all I saw- but I can tell you what stood out the most:
Bent knees.  Legs that flexed all the way in- knee to nose....and then extended in a kick.......coming back to rest in Indian style....and then to kick again.
Branson's legs had not moved- had not bent......we spent those 5 weeks watching as she remained mostly still- as her legs remained outstretched.
Jesus continues to reveal to me the magnitude of what was both physically and mentally wrong in her sweet body- and although I may never have a name or diagnosis, I am coming to fully understand the mercy that she endured by being taken home.

So, the ultrasound tech pointed out the obvious lack of certain body parts and my heart leapt at the thought of a sweet little girl in our house. I can't begin to explain the emotions- but can only tell you that it seems so right.

I sang to her the whole way home....The connection was immediate, and I have yet to stop floating.
I am praising God for what He has already done, but more than anything, I cannot wait to see what He is doing.  This baby seems to have destiny....and it is the Person that I am excited to meet, not the baby.

PS: Eason is still warming up to the idea of having a girl...he had his heart set on a brother:)

16 1/2 weeks.

Beginning.......

I have had trouble connecting....
Anyone that knows me can tell you....I immediately attach to unborn babies.  As soon as someone is pregnant- as soon as I am pregnant, I begin talking, chatting, singing to these babies.  They immediately have personality, and I am filled with hopes and dreams for them from the very start.

I have struggled with this in this pregnancy.  I pray for this baby. I think about him or her.  I talk... I wish....I speak of....

But I have struggled with the same kind of attachment that I usually have and I know this mostly based on one obvious gap in this pregnancy- The journal.

For each of my children, even the two I have lost, I have a pregnancy journal.  It chronicles the finding out, the family reactions, the physical effects, the hopes the dreams and the connections pre-birth with my sweet baby.  Jaden's is thick....full of pleadings to the Lord, confusions, confessions and full-on submisssion to the path my life was about to take.  Amelia's is thin- simply outlining our excitement, our plans and then our words to her as she left us.  Eason's is as heroic a pregnancy journal has ever been- we were deep with excitement and anticipation, and there were two of us to write...... Branson's begins much like that- excited words from her daddy calling her "little girl" from day 1.  There are prayers and dreams and messages from her big sister.  The entries became pleas to the Lord, begs for mercy, prayers for healing and ultimately submission to His perfect will.

I have meant to start one.  In my mind, I told myself I would wait until the 8 week appt...then the 12 week appt....and here I am: almost 16 weeks.....
I am longing for connection for a gender, a name- a clear face photo...anything that God may use to break through the wall of fear around my heart.

We have struggled with names, but God has made a personality trait clear to me: this baby is spunky.

Spunky.  That was straight from my Father.  That this child had a sort of clear-focused energy.  So, because my Jesus led me there, I follow- knowing that He is leading me and teaching me as quickly as I can "get it"...(There IS a reason He moves slowly sometimes (;    )

I will begin the journal this weekend.