The approaching fall...

As I write, the kids are outside building a fort in the pasture....at least, I think they still are.................................... Yep, they are.  It is pitiful...but I have resisted the urge to help them. I want Jaden to step up a little. To get creative and lead her brother a little more.  I also want him to pitch in.  He sure is the baby. He loves to be done for.

So far, we have done 1 1/2 weeks of school....and so far, so good.  Jaden is becoming very self-motivated. I am outlining and preparing her tasks the night before, and she is doing them well the next morning. Eason's day is a little more flexible with a few more play breaks and much more attention:) We have done some fun science lessons and puzzles.  Jaden had her first day of Co-op last week and really enjoyed it.  There is so much pressure off of my shoulders compared to this time last fall. It is as if the Lord has really paved the road when it comes to the kids and school. It is nice to feel the relief and the relaxation.  It is a sweet blessing.

My heart is full.  It is almost swollen.  I am struggling...no lie.  I am almost unable to feel all the emotions I am feeling at once.  It comes out in jumbles.  It gets mixed up between my heart and my mouth.  My fear comes out in anger, my anger in tears, my expectation as worry.....It is hard for me to keep up with what I am truly feeling and how I am acting.  This I do know. I am NOT acting well.  I am moody.  I have not been very nice. I have been demanding.  If I were Will, I would have tied me up in a bed sheet and dropped me at my mother's house.....because I have been acting 13....really, I have.

I want space....lots of it.
In space, I am allowed to have my unorganized thoughts....no definitions are required for my feelings. I can be just a little bit numb.  

Outside of the relationship, I can just think about me. I can allow myself to just focus on not focusing.


Without someone reflecting my actions, I can reflect anything I want to the outside world. 


The desire for isolation is understandable...but dangerous.  It is selfish...It is outside of God's calling for me.
So, I must figure out how to love my husband well- even when I want him to stay at least 20 feet away:) I have to remember the season- the plan - the big picture- who has carried me when I was falling.
Remember? Remember when I said I didn't want to lose the feeling of needing him so much? I wrote it. I knew how easy it could be to lose sight of NEEDING my husband...of NEEDING my Jesus.  I have abandoned my God in peacetime before. I remember the danger of walking out of His fortress walls... and it is just as dangerous to walk out of the intimate walls of my marriage as well.....

So pray that I remain intimately connected during the next few months.- That I do not allow worry or selfishness or fear to drive me to isolation.

I will leave you with a picture of the little fort my kids built......so cute.

So.....I am awake.....and really tired.  Something tells me that I shouldn't be blogging.
Anyway.


These words keep coming to my head as I lay in my bed and listen to my husband saw logs....(he doesn't really snore.  However, his breathing is VERY annoying when he is sleeping and I am NOT)

I'm laying me down

Reaching for Your hand.

You're pulling me up

You're making me stand.... *

Yep, I wrote that.  Hold the applause.

I get that it is simple....the point is that Jesus put it in my head and it has been circling in there for almost 5 hours now.  It is just a small picture of where I am....me in a nutshell.

(ahhhh, I am trapped in a really large nutshell......some of you got that)

I am going to head back to bed now...knowing that I will lay there for another hour.....but praying for my baby....who is the size of an olive...Crap! I said I wasn't gonna do that!

Goodnight:) 

*JoJo Rains has dibs on these lyrics.

What is next?

So here I sit....amazed at the Love of Jesus and basking in the glow of pregnancy again....
You can imagine the anger of the enemy at this point.....the lies that he throws my way, the amount of time each day I find myself saying Jesus' name.....


This is exactly where my Jesus wants me and I am gladly wrapped in His arms.  


As for the fate of the blog, I can only tell you what I will not do......
I will not detail and dialogue my entire pregnancy. 
You will not be hearing complaints about morning sickness or heartburn or soreness.
I will not tell you what type of fruit this baby is measuring at week by week.


It isn't that I won't be doing these things or keeping up with this baby's growth or even enjoying my pregnancy.  It isn't that I won't be throwing up or popping tums or using a heating pad.....
It is just that this child, our marriage, the sanctity of life itself....it is all so much bigger than me.  It is all so much more than baby registries or showers or sonograms....I just want to be the vessel....to be this child's mama....to walk the road I am meant to walk......


I am excited....I am scared. This will be the theme of the blog......because it has always been the theme.


Johnna

An Important Message from Johnna and Will and family

He is Faithful

Please watch the video below:

Taking the week off....

nope, not here.

An experiment or retreat...call it what you want...
But I am taking the week off from blogging.....
I am curious to see what will happen.....
I am even banning myself from my own journal.

I am a big girl. Surely I can process internally, right? Let's hope so. Hopefully, I will remain kind and refrain from any withdrawal-induced "lashing out".......

Peace...TTYS:)

Johnna