Emptiness

Mornings have never been difficult.  Except in death.  That first moment after waking, where your mind begins to rewind over the recent past....what is today, what was yesterday, what time is it, who is here...... is now full of deep empty loss as I remember what has happened, as I let my hand wander to my tummy to feel the absence......as I listen to my husband silent cry during his early morning dreaming. It is not supposed to be this way..... His Joy Comes in the Morning.......I know it is here... I am simply under too many blankets of sadness during those moments.  The sunshine helps, but not enough.




It is true what they say..That your arms literally feel empty after the loss of a baby.  All of the physical issues that follow childbirth scream for the presence of small, beautiful, needy baby. As I sit here this morning painfully wrapped tight in 3 sportsbras so that my milk will dry up, there is an actual physiological and psychological process that is not happening. I am not holding a child, nursing, healing, releasing endorphins, balancing hormones.  I am simply sitting here....wondering what to do next. 


Eason asked me last night why all of Branson's things were still downstairs.  I felt the word "still" ring in the air. I know that for him, that it is done...that life has moved quickly since then.  Jaden Lily, on the other hand, has asked that I not take her nursery down at all.  Keep in mind, her nursery is right off of our bedroom. You must walk though it to get to our room. We see it all day...every day.  It is beautiful....so I have decided to meet in the middle. We took the baby bed out yesterday.  We plan on making it into a sitting/reading room.  I don't have any idea how long this will take....days, weeks, months....to simply take a few items out of a drawer and put them into a box. Sometimes, I don't feel like I will ever do it....and I want no one else to touch them......


Eason prayed last night for God to bring her back to "our whole family".... I almost just let it go, just let the kid pray whatever he wanted......but I didn't. I stopped him and told him that we would not be praying for that. That we would never want to remove her from the arms of Jesus........it was probably too stern, too much for him....but we continued to pray.  Jaden Lily is struggling with dates she had marked on her calendar that are looming in the month to come.  "Branson: 3 more weeks" "Branson: appointment"  "Branson Born"....  She has also asked whether we were going to try again.   


(I don't know, Lord, are we?)




I received a phone call yesterday that the outstanding balance for Branson's headstone had been taken care of by an anonymous lady.  I cannot even express the magnitude of this gift.  I am going back today for the first time.... and I am terrified....terrified of ripping through even the smallest stitch that is beginning to heal.  

The Loss of Branson....

We had been told, on Monday the 21st that Branson's umbilical cord was not functioning properly...on top of everything else. This increased her risk of passing away, and she was not big enough at around 4 lbs, to be delivered with her complications. So again, we came home to wait until the following Wednesday when we could have the amnio. That was a full 9 days away, and too long to go without confirmation that she was ok. I made a Thursday appointment with my OB who totally understood my need to come in.  On that Tuesday night, I clearly felt Branson kick, and so did Will and Jaden Lily.  Jaden laughed and laughed....
My mom was also at the house, and before she left that night she was also able to feel her move and rub her little rump that seemed to be right under my ribs.  It was a beautiful evening and looking back, so intentional.  
The following day was Wednesday, the 23rd, my Grannie, Rubye Pearl's, would-be 85th birthday. She passed away last year.  I believe that Branson went to be with Jesus this day......and that my Grannie scooped her up and said, "now, then"......
For, by the time we went to our Thursday appointment, her heartbeat was gone.


They had us come back in at midnight to begin the induction and we came home to be with the kids, prepare them for the days to come and rest.


My regular OB, who had delivered both of my children and had walked bravely through life with us, was out with a serious illness, and we were not really sure who would be present for delivery. This list of unknowns was just God's way of providing sweet blessings for us. My long time friend was able to come and be my labor and delivery nurse. She had been following Branson's story and was such a comfort to us. We also had the tender care of a new doctor, one we had only met a few hours before who ended up delivering Branson and was one of the most gentle, precious men I had ever met. Our specialist and his partner were also present, constantly checking on us.  It was truly a gift and blessing to receive such intimate care.

As far as delivery goes, God was ever-present and merciful. After asking for two more heartbeat confirmations, I chose to have an epidural and they were more than willing to make me very comfortable. I did not have any pitocin and things were much more comfortable...even if it did take a while.  The first part of labor was very long, but very peaceful. God took the last half of labor and condensed it to less than an hour....and completely intervened in her delivery. It was the calmest, easiest physical labor I have experienced, witnessed or even heard of.
This was my prayer in the last few hours before coming back to the hospital...that He would be merciful to me and to Will in delivery.....and He most definitely was.

She was delivered whole and beautiful, and Will cut her cord.  My friend and nurse had made a beautiful baby bow hat from the newborn caps and the doctor was intent on being the one to place it on her head, pray with her and then hand her to us.  Will's parents, my mom, my friend, and I spent over an hour with her, worshiping, praying, kissing her, loving on her and holding on to each other.  She was beautiful. Her lips were perfect and red, and we could not get over how lovely and breathtakingly beautiful they were.  She looked just like she was sleeping.  We even noticed some dark brown curly hair.  Through tears, sobs, and a lot of worship and praise, we let her go with the nurse to clean her up, dress her, weigh her and bring her back so our precious Jaden Lily could spend some time with her and hold her.

My friend, who is a photographer, came and went with Branson while she received her first bath, and was dressed in a beautiful hand-made crocheted gown and bonnet made by an elderly hospital volunteer. It was precious.  When she came back to us, we were able to really stop and be in the presence of the Lord....we held her, we loved and kissed her. Will needed time with her...I had carried her, he had not.  He needed more time with her than either of us had anticipated.  Jaden came, and crawled up in the bed with me, held her.  She had questions like "why?" but kept saying how beautiful her nose and lips were.  She said she felt like Branson was smiling....It was a beautiful moment between two sisters.....After another hour or so, the funeral director came to get her.  Will held her and met him at the door to our room.  The funeral director had planned on walking her down, but Will wanted to take her down himself. So he walked her out of the hospital...and with much difficulty finally placed her in the hands of a willing and gracious man who would then prepare her for her burial. Will returned broken and crumbling to the room.  We decided to stay the night in the hospital instead of trying to head home late.


The night was restful, and Will wrote out what he wanted to say at her burial. I have posted it on here, and he was able to express it beautifully at her burial yesterday.  


Her burial is another entry....later, when I have processed the amount of love and the outpouring of generosity that we experienced yesterday......
I will also post some pictures soon.  
Most of all, I am overwhelmed by the sadness and emptiness that seems to linger quietly in my throat.....it stays......and there is this unbearable fear that it will never leave.  My experience says that it won't, but the terror of that possibility is present. Continue to pray pray pray pray.

Words from Will

Lord today we lay to rest our sweet wonderful baby girl 

Branson. We know that she is wrapped in your arms and we 

give you all the glory. You are an awesome and merciful 

almighty God. Through these past few weeks your grace and 

mercy has been evident. You have put many family, friends, 

and even people we have never met in our lives praying, 

supporting, and sacrificing their time and energy for us. So 

yes, Lord, your presence is clear and we praise you Lord and 

give You all the glory. Amen Amen. We will stand firm in your 

ways Lord. Branson, I love you so much and you are my 

beautiful baby girl and I am so thankful for the time I got to 

hold and Kiss your precious face, and I can't wait to see you 

again one glorious day. Lord I know Your ways are not our 

ways and we will stand firm in our faith because without 

You, Father, we are truly lost. Our time on this earth is but a 

breath and I pray You will continue to show us Your purpose 

and ways through our faithfulness. God, Father, Lord, Daddy: You are 

good all the time...all the time You are good. 

We LOVE Branson.

Burial arrangements

So much left to say and express, and I will as soon as I am able to find some silence to write. In the meantime, I wanted all of our friends and family to know the details of Branson's burial. Anyone wishing to come is welcome, as we have all been on this journey together... It seems fitting to have each of you there. I understand it may be difficult, especially with kids, and we understand your decision either way. It will be Tomorrow, Sunday at 3:00 pm at Greenwood Cemetery in Fountain City. Thank you so much for loving us and for passionately and selflessly loving her.

A favor......

I have asked Will if he would like to write a post on here, and although he has been quite verbal, he isn't ready for it to be in print.........We are thoroughly different processors...in fact, we practically failed our pre-marital compatibility test....even with us unknowingly TRYING to match our answers......
Anyway.... I am asking for extra prayer for him.....For coping and comfort, but more importantly for the ability to feel the intimacy of God as we walk this road....to be swept into His arms fully........
Thanks for everything....

Deep Breath.....

ok, so if this post is void of medical information, it is because I have purposely been vague and general in my description.  This is for me, not for you....because, honestly, I cannot bring myself to type out certain things.  
The specialist was unimpressed, if you will, with her condition and maturation. She has not gained over the 4 lbs she was about a week and 1/2 ago.....This could be due to the low blood flow they found today through the umbilical cord.  Her kidneys and bladder were the same, and the brain fluid was similar if not larger.  Her arms and legs are the same, and her measurements indicate she is 2-3 weeks behind in size.  Because of the compounding of issues, he still feels very strongly that there is a good chance she does not survive until delivery.  I am 34 weeks 1 day today, they will do the amnio to check for lung maturation next wednesday and possibly proceed with the c-section the following week of March 7.  


The prognosis spectrum after birth is just as complicated and grim according to the doctors.  This also could include many hour to hour decisions that Will and I have to make.....


This is no time to fudge on honesty, and I do not plan to.  I am simply at a loss for where the Lord is leading us.  I asked Jaden today if she had any questions and her response was "none that you can answer."  She is right, because her question was "why..." I got nothing.....except for reminding her that where I was, curled in the lap of the Father, is where He has desired me be for a very long time......This answer isn't good enough when you are 9.


I am so physically pregnant at this point that there isn't a second that goes by where I am not reminded of her presence.  There is a constant shortness of breath that is caused by a combination of her feet in my ribs and my lungs being on the verge of tears anyway.  I stand screaming at the search and rescue team that she is "lost in the woods!!!" and they do all they can to search......and they are weary....and I am weary.  At this point in the rescue many are understandably ready to move on to plan B.......I am not.


It is difficult to balance my trust in my wonderful doctors and what they "see" and my Faith in the Father and what is not seen.  I continue to "visionate" the scans in my head as clean and perfect, her at delivery: crying for life, moving her limbs, taking deep and perfect breaths and the best thing: eye contact......There IS no other prayer to have.


I am reminded of Abraham pleading for Sodom and Gomorrah.  
Genesis 18:25


He begged the Lord over and over that if he found just 50 righteous, could the Lord spare the city.. God agreed...then he begged Him down to 45, 40...all the way down to 10.....and even when there were not 10 righteous men, God still honored Abraham's faith and sent 2 angels to rescue just a few men......so here I am, doing the same. 


Lord, keep her heart beating.
Not just that, but let her grow.
And Lord, also, move her limbs.
And Lord I beg you to heal her bladder and kidneys....
And Lord, not just those things, but heal her brain, so she can survive and thrive.
And another thing Lord, heal her brain so that she knows, feels, reasons, loves and decides for herself to follow you.
And Lord, this is the last thing.....Heal her quickly so we may love and enjoy her.


It won't be the last thing I plead with the Lord for...the prayers of this mother are only beginning......they will be long and intentional and often.

Branson's hands in prayer position......

OB appt today

Today's appointment was quick and uneventful. We did see Branson's face.. She was moving and actually had the hiccups.... She also had a good heartbeat and had managed to turn herself breech again...I had some big kicks last night, so I am just fine with her being breech.. The more I feel the better.
There were no in-depth measurements done, but there was still fluid on her brain. She also still had fluid in her bladder and kidneys. Amniotic fluid levels were good, and obviously she is moving.
I felt my heart sink at seeing the lack of change. It is beginning to wear on me, on us as a couple, and has seemed like the longest 3 weeks of our lives. I am tired. I feel helpless. I have bad days. I don't feel like talking. I want to sleep. I feel foggy.
I wonder if my faith is weak. I wonder if I have really surrendered her to the Lord. I wonder if I have told the kids too much or not enough. I feel like I am exhausting my friends.
I feel......
I could go on and on about me. I could spend so much time documenting the ups and downs of the process as we wait. However, the truth is that you already know. Everything you have felt or wondered if you would feel I have felt.. Over and over.
We will visit the specialist Monday and will have more answers... Strike that: medical answers.
However, a friend recently reminded me that what we do not see is so much more real than what we do see.... THIS is the truth that we stand on.... And we do it sometimes with strength and power, but most of the time we are standing with weak legs and with the help of family and friends....
Pray for Monday's appointment. Pray for healing. Pray for strength.