ok, so if this post is void of medical information, it is because I have purposely been vague and general in my description. This is for me, not for you....because, honestly, I cannot bring myself to type out certain things.
The specialist was unimpressed, if you will, with her condition and maturation. She has not gained over the 4 lbs she was about a week and 1/2 ago.....This could be due to the low blood flow they found today through the umbilical cord. Her kidneys and bladder were the same, and the brain fluid was similar if not larger. Her arms and legs are the same, and her measurements indicate she is 2-3 weeks behind in size. Because of the compounding of issues, he still feels very strongly that there is a good chance she does not survive until delivery. I am 34 weeks 1 day today, they will do the amnio to check for lung maturation next wednesday and possibly proceed with the c-section the following week of March 7.
The prognosis spectrum after birth is just as complicated and grim according to the doctors. This also could include many hour to hour decisions that Will and I have to make.....
This is no time to fudge on honesty, and I do not plan to. I am simply at a loss for where the Lord is leading us. I asked Jaden today if she had any questions and her response was "none that you can answer." She is right, because her question was "why..." I got nothing.....except for reminding her that where I was, curled in the lap of the Father, is where He has desired me be for a very long time......This answer isn't good enough when you are 9.
I am so physically pregnant at this point that there isn't a second that goes by where I am not reminded of her presence. There is a constant shortness of breath that is caused by a combination of her feet in my ribs and my lungs being on the verge of tears anyway. I stand screaming at the search and rescue team that she is "lost in the woods!!!" and they do all they can to search......and they are weary....and I am weary. At this point in the rescue many are understandably ready to move on to plan B.......I am not.
It is difficult to balance my trust in my wonderful doctors and what they "see" and my Faith in the Father and what is not seen. I continue to "visionate" the scans in my head as clean and perfect, her at delivery: crying for life, moving her limbs, taking deep and perfect breaths and the best thing: eye contact......There IS no other prayer to have.
I am reminded of Abraham pleading for Sodom and Gomorrah.
Genesis 18:25
He begged the Lord over and over that if he found just 50 righteous, could the Lord spare the city.. God agreed...then he begged Him down to 45, 40...all the way down to 10.....and even when there were not 10 righteous men, God still honored Abraham's faith and sent 2 angels to rescue just a few men......so here I am, doing the same.
Lord, keep her heart beating.
Not just that, but let her grow.
And Lord, also, move her limbs.
And Lord I beg you to heal her bladder and kidneys....
And Lord, not just those things, but heal her brain, so she can survive and thrive.
And another thing Lord, heal her brain so that she knows, feels, reasons, loves and decides for herself to follow you.
And Lord, this is the last thing.....Heal her quickly so we may love and enjoy her.
It won't be the last thing I plead with the Lord for...the prayers of this mother are only beginning......they will be long and intentional and often.
Johnna, I barely know you and I can't stop thinking about you and baby Branson and your whole family. I want so badly to say something that will give you peace, something to make it easier for you to get through the day. I remember a time when I wanted someone to say something to me that would just make all the pain go away. I longed for any explanation of "why?". And, it becomes clear to me again, that there are no words. No words will ever make us understand, all we can do is trust. Trust that God has a plan and that He will use all things for our good. I wish that I had something better to say, but I don't. I do want to tell you that God is using you and Branson to touch a lot of people right now, even people like me who don't know you well. As I read all of your older blogs, it made me realize how much I have to be thankful for, how much I need to slow down and enjoy the moment and stop planning the next one. As I think about you and all you are dealing with, it gives me strength to get over myself and deal with my stuff. To draw closer and sit in our Father's lap and ask Him to show me how to deal my stuff. And, for that I thank you. Please know that I am thinking about you and praying for you all. Love, Tiffany
ReplyDeleteI have been following you for a while now. I am from WTE boards and although I have no advise and nothing I say can take away the pain, but I do know that you have the most loved baby girl in the world. And if anyone gets a miracle, I pray to God that it is you. The Lord has plans for you and Baby Branson, and although, it is tough to take the wait and see approach, I know that the Lord will give you some sort of comfort during these times.
ReplyDelete"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
We are with you every step of the way, from a far maybe but know that our thoughts and prayers are with all of you!!!
ReplyDeleteJohnna, my community group and I are keeping up with every update and praying fervently for you, Branson, and your family. I cannot begin to understand what you are going through as you wait on God's plan for Branson, but I do know that you are creating an amazing testimony to the glory of God. Branson is loved and prayed for by many, and so are you.
ReplyDelete