Emptiness

Mornings have never been difficult.  Except in death.  That first moment after waking, where your mind begins to rewind over the recent past....what is today, what was yesterday, what time is it, who is here...... is now full of deep empty loss as I remember what has happened, as I let my hand wander to my tummy to feel the absence......as I listen to my husband silent cry during his early morning dreaming. It is not supposed to be this way..... His Joy Comes in the Morning.......I know it is here... I am simply under too many blankets of sadness during those moments.  The sunshine helps, but not enough.




It is true what they say..That your arms literally feel empty after the loss of a baby.  All of the physical issues that follow childbirth scream for the presence of small, beautiful, needy baby. As I sit here this morning painfully wrapped tight in 3 sportsbras so that my milk will dry up, there is an actual physiological and psychological process that is not happening. I am not holding a child, nursing, healing, releasing endorphins, balancing hormones.  I am simply sitting here....wondering what to do next. 


Eason asked me last night why all of Branson's things were still downstairs.  I felt the word "still" ring in the air. I know that for him, that it is done...that life has moved quickly since then.  Jaden Lily, on the other hand, has asked that I not take her nursery down at all.  Keep in mind, her nursery is right off of our bedroom. You must walk though it to get to our room. We see it all day...every day.  It is beautiful....so I have decided to meet in the middle. We took the baby bed out yesterday.  We plan on making it into a sitting/reading room.  I don't have any idea how long this will take....days, weeks, months....to simply take a few items out of a drawer and put them into a box. Sometimes, I don't feel like I will ever do it....and I want no one else to touch them......


Eason prayed last night for God to bring her back to "our whole family".... I almost just let it go, just let the kid pray whatever he wanted......but I didn't. I stopped him and told him that we would not be praying for that. That we would never want to remove her from the arms of Jesus........it was probably too stern, too much for him....but we continued to pray.  Jaden Lily is struggling with dates she had marked on her calendar that are looming in the month to come.  "Branson: 3 more weeks" "Branson: appointment"  "Branson Born"....  She has also asked whether we were going to try again.   


(I don't know, Lord, are we?)




I received a phone call yesterday that the outstanding balance for Branson's headstone had been taken care of by an anonymous lady.  I cannot even express the magnitude of this gift.  I am going back today for the first time.... and I am terrified....terrified of ripping through even the smallest stitch that is beginning to heal.