How long, O Lord?

How long, O Lord, will you look on?
-Psalm 35:17 


The days are longer.  There is more sunshine.  It is warm and we can be outside. Our evenings are busy.  I haven't had to cook dinner.  The kids have been obedient, respectful, easy to manage.  People continue to pour into me- bring me food, keep my kids, send me cards....love on me.....


At what juncture, Lord, will you stitch up the last bit of these wounds?  Will you wait...until my knees are sore with prayer...  Are you yearning for my heart to be at peace, waiting on my tears to stop in faith and full trust of you?  Or are you mending and stitching too slowly and carefully for me to notice....will I awake one morning far into the future to realize that I had not known that you had healed me?  Or will you do it tonight?  I prefer tonight.


God is sending messages to me though people, whether it be a kind word, a card, a book, a sweet note....the messages are confirmations of the ways that the Holy Spirit is speaking to my heart.  If I doubt the Holy Spirit, He is kind enough ( and blunt enough) to send me the message twice, through two very different people.  They are sweet ways He is walking this road with me....and I feel His presence even at my lowest.


Lord....You said that I could ask....that I could present my heart, my desire to you.  I did, and you did not give me the desire of my heart.  When I said "your will" I also said what "I desired"....and You did not give me my desire.  So, I am having trouble asking you for what I desire now.....I am even having trouble knowing what my desire is because I fear it is somehow contrary to your desire.  I want to respect Your will...not fear your plans.


I struggle in the mornings.  When I first awake, and I roll over to see that Will is gone, my heart sinks.  My mind replays the events, the tears, the loss, and for a split second I still feel pregnant even.  That moment, while all of the emotions flood my brain, is still really raw.  The kids come to my room, the day begins and I feel almost unable to breathe until I sit with my Savior.  I have been able to spend more time with Him.  Our daily schedule has been cleared...I am not going to sewing class anymore, or doing the other extra activities.... It has been hard and rather antisocial, but it has guaranteed me more time with the Lord.  


I have not had words to pray so I have been re-using Stormie Omartians "Power of the Praying Wife/Mother" to pray for Will and the kids.  Her words have always been powerful and intentional, but now at a time where I feel like I have so few, it has been essential for me.  


These prayers are more like whines and pleads followed by an "apology" to the Lord for being so whiny....
which usually leads to a bit of giggling at how I must look to my heavenly Father....
which leads to the warm and fuzzys....because I remember His LOVE for me.......all of it....
And then the praise begins....


So....How Long, O Lord?......
I will praise You while I wait.