Unclenching

This picture of Alice falling down the rabbit hole has always disturbed me...... Perhaps, because it is the first hint that we have that nothing in Wonderland will ever make sense.  Perhaps it is because most Disney characters when I were growing up were blondes..... But really, what bothers me the most, is that Alice is simply floating, watching, observing and almost a spectator in her own fall.


Why is this disturbing? On one level, because she is out of control.  Nothing about the fall is in her power- she must simply endure it until she hits bottom.  But, deeper still, it is her lack of flailing that concerns me...she doesn't grab at anything, pray, brace herself or anything...she just falls.




 
So many times in my life I have just fallen. I have allowed myself to give up...to play a victim...to blame others....to blame God.  I have held on with a clenched fist.  Here is my hand......wound tight around the plans that I have for myself.  Clenched against any fear that I have....repeating the mantras that I have made for myself:
If I believe enough....
I can make it.......
God helps those that........
It is up to me to...........
Don't tell me I can't.....
If God loved me, He would.......
Why should I have to............
He will come through if I ..........
I must have not done enough..........
Why do other people.............


At some juncture or another I have said all of these things to myself. I have listened as the enemy has whispered these lies to me, and I have allowed them to sink in.....At some point, I have said them to myself, repeated them to others....even said them to God.  


I cling to hope in my own strength, in my own "wishes", in my own power.......it is almost comical that I would cling to these things.....Almost.....But, more often, it is devastating.. It is disastrous...
Each finger that clenches around my plans, my wants, my needs, my insecurities is one less finger holding the hand of my Father....I just wanna be in His arms.....what am I waiting for......






I have forgotten that I am not a spectator to my own life.  

I am a daughter of a King that wants the best for me.  He wants to take what is meant for evil and turn it to good. He makes all things new. He holds me with His righteous right hand. He leads me besides still waters.  He is near to the broken hearted. He restores my soul.  He prepares a mansion for me.  He that knew no sin, became sin, dying on a cross for me.  He wept.  He sees all things, created all things, restores all things.  He is seated at the right hand of the Father. 












Is this a Savior who is not capable of holding my life, my dreams, my hopes, my needs?  Is He not worthy of me opening my hand to Him...unclenching my fists....bringing my white-knuckled fingers and laying them in the palm of His nail-scarred hand?
 It comes down to one question...And if the answer is "Yes" then, the next move is mine.........
Does He love me?  
yes. Yes He does.