The shadows

Three years ago today I had a tearful conversation with Jaden Lily about the real possibility that her baby sister would not survive.  The truth is, this was the first time in my heart that I had admitted this to myself.  Up until this point in the journey with Branson, I had been ultimately convinced that she would be healed...either within the womb or with medical intervention.  I never believed she would not be healed.  

In that conversation with Jaden Lily, I walked for the first time in the valley of the shadow of death. It was not like I had imagined it. Instead of being alone and afraid, I was more confused and dismayed. I never felt alone- my thoughts, my beliefs, my doubts and shadows were all around me.  The valley was long and dark...with little light and very little understanding.  I remember that it was also full of memory....every other death and every other loss heaped upon my shoulders.  The valley proved shadowy- reflecting things that were true and shadows of lies that were not.  The valley is a susceptible time of doubt and a vulnerable time.  It was easy for me to get distracted by the doctor's reports and the odds and the idea that maybe I wasn't praying "enough" or the "right way."

There is something fundamentally true about a shadow.  When the sun shines, the shadow moves. The shadow is in complete obedience to the sun. When it rises and sets the shadows are long. When you walk through the valley the shadows are sometimes long and indistinguishable.  Remember though, that when the sun is center-right above you- that the shadows disappear.  Remember that those shadows, when the sun is near,  are easy to recognize and manipulate.  Remember that sometimes those shadows are your own and that the fear and worry you have are your own creation.  When the sun is center and the light is present that the shadows are not in control of you.  

I am certain to experience the valley again.  I am certain to lose someone, experience defeat, question His will, doubt He is in control, fight for my life...... When I find myself there, I will run to the light again and again.  I will cling to His promises, remember His word, look for His will.  

I once was fatherless,

a stranger with no hope;

Your kindness wakened me,
Awakened me, from my sleep

Your love it beckons deeply,
a call to come and die.
By grace now I will come
And take this life, take your life.

Sin has lost it’s power,
death has lost it’s sting.
From the grave you’ve risen
VICTORIOUSLY!

Into marvelous light I’m running,
Out of darkness, out of shame.
By the cross you are the truth,
You are the life, you are the way!

My dead heart now is beating,
My deepest stains now clean.
Your breath fills up my lungs.
Now I’m free. now I’m free!

If you think about it, pray for us this month as we celebrate what would have been Branson's 3rd birthday.