Every few weeks I decide that I am not, in fact, renewing my children's offspring contracts.
I decide that Will and I are buying an airstream and working at KOAs all over the country. I decide that dinner can be alternating days of frozen pizza and sugary cereal. I decide that a good education is overrated and an empty sink can bite me.
I remember losing a game of kick the can. This particular game I had begged the boys to let me in on- promising I wouldn't ruin it or slow it down. They reluctantly gave in and I found a great hiding place. It was well hidden but gave me a great view of the playing field. Pretty soon, though, I had to pee. I tried my best to hold it...to finish out the game, save face. I did not. Walking in from 1st grade recess with wet shorts and squishy shoes was not what I called saving face.
A few years later, in front of the same group of peers, I ran out crying from an assembly where I had been asked to sing a solo.....after forgetting the words to the song.
A few years after that I found myself the girl being cheated on- right under my nose.
A little while later I was the girl who got knocked up.
These moments are only a glimpse of many- moments where I began to readily admit that I was able to lose, to fail......and fail well.
My daughter has been asking me about being "embarrassed" these past few months. Seems that the pre-teen angst can easily be soothed by my failures. ...these are her favorite stories. Times when I messed up, was punished, lost- these are the stories where she throws back her head and laughs, covers her face with empathy and snickers..... It is here where I connect with her....where I connect with humanity. I am "Mama: imperfect and vulnerable." The getting dirty is so necessary. Without it, there is no truth, no need, no healing, no mercy, no grace, no freedom. Dirty is good.
This week I am failing well- limited curse words, lots of humility and a hard-set gaze on the mercy of my Father...who will greet me in the morning with new mercies.
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