The story of Jaden Lily Hope

   From my Testimony Given at Hope Resource's Annual Banquet- April 11, 2013

  As early as age 7, I was standing on the thin line of green grass between the curb and Concord Street in Knoxville. There was no yelling- only quiet conversations. I remember the faces of those walking in. They looked desperate, helpless. I remember the faces of the adults I was with…also desperate, also helpless- but with eyes of hope, mission and restoration.

I remember the conversations about why they were there…the shame…the hopelessness.

At age 10, I remember the prayers at the jail for a man I adored that had been arrested for stepping across the line to have conversation with a client at a clinic. I remember his passion for babies, for women, for life.  I remember the signs, the prayers, and the decisions. But what I remember most are the conversations.

The questions:

Why would someone kill a baby?

What does God think?

Does it make Him mad?

Why does He let them?

            I spent my first 18 years engaged in those conversations- the ones that make parents squirm, stutter and hesitate. Many of these kinds of conversations don’t ever occur…they are hushed, or pushed aside in fear. Sometimes adults are just so afraid of losing credibility. 

            But my mom didn’t push them aside.  At 8, at 10, at 17, she was honest and transparent. She was imperfect- and it gave her credibility. She had been vulnerable with me. There were times she had succeeded and times she had failed.

She courageously told me all of it over the years. It showed evidence of the Father’s love…proof of the power of His restoration.

            By the time I was a teen, I was most decidedly pro-life. I had asked the questions and I knew my answer.

I would never do that....

            In my first months out of high school I found myself in uncharted waters.  I went off to college heartbroken and insecure from a high-school breakup, and without the accountability of a church or those that knew me best. Within a month I was abusing prescription medications and lying about where I was going.  I began, for the first time, to allow myself to be used sexually.  I engaged in a whirlwind of mis-decisions and lies; and after a weekend high at an older man’s apartment, I found myself in bed for the first time.  I immediately ended the relationship... swept it under the rug. I was ashamed.  I pretended it was as if it had never happened…until 4 weeks later when I found myself staring at a positive pregnancy test in the dorm bathroom.

            I was in shock. I was in disbelief that this had happened, not only the first time …but to ME.  After a frightened and tearful phone call to my mom, we came to Hope Resource Center.  I watched the screen as the nurse showed me the little bean floating inside me… heard the fluttering heartbeat... I held the tiny slippery picture.  A woman held my shaking hand in hers as I sat numb on a couch. Once again, this time with a volunteer counselor from Hope Resource I had a conversation about the scope of God’s love, His design and the mission that He had in mind for me and this baby…and for all babies. 

Was I aware that I was loved? Yes.

Did I know my baby was alive? Yes.

Did I understand that there was restoration?

            The next day I made an appointment for an abortion… At the very clinic I had stood outside as a child.  I had a vivid conversation with myself…I was not ready to allow my years of being who I was to be replaced by the reputation that would follow this pregnancy.  I was not about to bring this child into a relationship that I was convincing myself never happened.  I would never have this baby.  I would never look upon the disappointed faces of my friends and family.  I would never admit to my future husband that I was not a virgin.  I knew an abortion would be wrong, but God would forgive me. I would move on. I would carry the burden of the abortion as the consequence of my actions. It would be my penance. I would never be able to forget. It would be a secret that I mourned.

At age 18, I had decided- I would erase this.

            As I sat in the waiting room, these thoughts flooded my mind…The conversation between myself and the volunteer at Hope Resource reminded me that there was restoration. I remember looking at the faces of the women in the room and remembering that childhood conversation with my mother.

Do they know it is wrong? Some of them.

Does it make God sad? Yes.

Does He forgive them? Yes.

How do you know for sure? Let me tell you. 

See, my mother had had an abortion, and when my 8 year old self needed answers to those questions, she was there to know me, to be real with me, to connect with me. I believed in the restoration she spoke of because I had

seen that restoration walked out in real life.

            In the midst of these conversations, she had no idea that I would be sitting in a clinic remembering her stories- her tears as she told me- as she remembered and grieved- then as we remembered and grieved together.

Those conversations were the only thing that mattered that day in that moment- not my knowledge of sin, not my definition of when life began, not even my desire for this pregnancy to remain secret mattered as much as the promise and example of restoration that the counselor at Hope Resource had given me.  I knew that this abortion would grieve my mother, my Heavenly Father and myself for the rest of my life.

            I left the clinic that day because I had proof of restoration…proof of hope. Restoration was in a conversation, a growing belly, a testimony, a sanctifying marriage, an adoption, a fruitful womb, a story, and more conversations along this ever-changing road that I am still walking. 

            I am forever connected to Hope Resource Center. God began using our story for His glory.  As I look out among you, I know that many of you are involved with this Crisis Pregnancy center because you yourself have been face to face with crisis pregnancy.  It is your stories, and the support of men and women sharing their stories, that will save the lives of babies- and it is your stories that will save the lives of women- those in the midst of their decisions and those looking for restoration. It is the mission of Hope Resource.  Your support means that this mission can press forward.

            Yes, they are running urine samples and taking tests, but did you know that the quiet heroes of Hope Resource Center are blessing the lives of girls who are working hard to parent.

Did you know that they meet to love and honor post-abortive women? Did you know they counsel men in crisis?  Hope Resource is speaking honesty and truth into women and men every day. These quiet servants daily offer restoration at the expense of time, emotion, and even persecution. 

            God continues to restore and refine me.  Restoration came most tangibly in the form of a beautiful baby girl, now ELEVEN, who was not aborted. She knows this story, my story… for it is the beginning of her story. God gave her to me- even when He knew the real me.  Restoration came in marriage to a man with full knowledge of my shortcomings who continues to daily choose to love me…  It has been refined by miscarriage, career changes, and the sudden death of a parent… restored again by a wild little boy who’s mission it is to be a superhero… tested again by the loss of a sweet baby girl and showered with blessings again by the birth of another. Each dip and rise in the road of restoration gave me a glimpse of His love, His power, His mission and His plan for me.

In preparing for what piece of my testimony to share tonight, I am more and more convinced that it is the mission of each of us to have the intentional presence to honestly share their own stories- with our children, our friends, in and out of the counseling room.  Sharing both the successes and the failures will be what make the difference.....Not determining whether or not those listening will experience fire, but determining whether or not they experience the refinement and restoration that can come from that fire. 

            So take a look at those God has given you-

the 9 year old looking at a fallen world asking questions, the 14 year old pushing the boundaries of freedom, the college freshmen, the engaged daughter.  These are the ones God has given to you. He knows your story- and He is ready to use it.