Click on the link below for Vivi's birthday slideshow:)
Introducing Vivi Joy
enjoy!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Joy came......quickly.
She is here.
Here.
In my arms.
Right now....as I type.
Vivienne Joy Rose Bullard arrived in a whirlwind on March 15th, 2012....three weeks early and right on time.
I headed to the hospital for a routine visit around 11 am. On the way walking inside, my water broke....I mean, I wasn't sure having never gone into labor on my own.....but, I thought it may have.
Some back story....I have never gone into labor......I have been induced three times. Jaden was induced from a starting point of 0 cm...as was Eason.....and of course, Branson's birth was induced, medicated, and controlled. I had pain with each, but epidurals were administered and everything took a very long time. I had spoken very openly to the Lord about my desire to have Vivi naturally. I took the desire to Him...knowing that her life and well-being mattered most...and that my desire knew nothing of what He had planned for us. It was like walking up a hill asking for there to be a simple lookout at the top....I didn't want to shortchange myself if God had the Grand Canyon waiting for me instead. So I simply asked, told Him my desires, did my research, made a tentative and flexible plan, and waited.
The day before I had done some walking....quite a bit of eating(convinced Will to take me to Red Lobster), and I even push-swept the carport. That night, I went to youth, and danced on the wii in the basement by myself:) No contractions...no pain....nothing. I couldn't sleep, so I went to computer with an open spirit...with the funny realization of how "out of control" I was....and that I was ok with that. I wrote the last blog called "out of control" in that sleepy state....and went to bed at peace...and I actually slept...well.
So, like I said, I went to the Doctor suspecting that my water had broken walking up the hill to his office. I did a secret happy dance in the bathroom, proud that I could go in and at least have had some progress! I went straight in and sure enough....membranes had ruptured. I was happy. My doc was not. He scowled a little with some concern and measured her...She was happy and healthy at what he thought to be 7 lb 11 oz.
But, I was less than 2 cm dilated and not effaced, and he suspected we had very little time to get my body ready to have a baby....the body that takes forever to have a baby. Yep, that one.
He sent me over to triage around noon with the understanding that he would be there around 4 or so to start the induction and pitocin.... There were no rooms available. Even triage was full.
I will admit that I believed him. That for those moments, I thought that this was as far as I would get on my own. I was actually grateful to have the "water breaking" story. For the moment, I had settled for the simple lookout...when God had more in store. I am so glad I am not in control. I would miss out on so much.
In triage I got settled, called a few people, told mom to go get Jaden and head back to work a bit, and told Will to go home, get our things and that, Yes, he had time to take a shower. I played a bit on my phone until I started feeling some contractions on my own. They had me hooked up to a monitor and nothing was showing on the screen. I started to get discouraged that the contractions were getting painful but were apparently very mild. After all, I had wanted to go natural and couldn't even tolerate these well. I was getting very uncomfortable in the bed...like the angle of the bed was wrong. I felt like I needed to get up, but the nurse had needed a 30 minute continuous monitor strip, so I stayed put as long as I could. After a few more minutes I asked to go to the bathroom. I had about 4 or 5 major contractions in the bathroom and knew these were for real. When I got back to the room, I told her what I was experiencing and she looked at the monitor printout and told me that they were barely registering. And then I told her my back was hurting so bad that I refused to get back in the bed. Her response? : "Crap". Apparently the back labor contractions that I was experiencing were not registering because of where the monitor was. She checked me and I was already 5 cm. It was only around 1 pm. Will wasn't there. My mom wasn't there. I called him and he was on his way. I couldn't get back in the bed. The contractions were too strong. I stood and labored for another 30 minutes. When Will got there I was more than 7 cm. I had already refused the epidural, and things were progressing fast. I could tell the nurse was a little panicked and Will was just getting filled in....and not very well. She was frazzled and talking to someone on the phone...less than calmly. The contractions were on top of each other.
At around 2:00 the nurse checked and said I was more than 9 cm. She phoned someone to say she was "sorry" and that she was bringing me now....that the room had "better be ready".
They wheeled us down the hall, and for the first and last time that day, I was a little scared. I didn't know where Will had gone and I was uneasy about making it in time. We got to the room where they told me they could not get a hold of my doctor.
So there we were in the birthing room...just us. After some preparations and a few pushes she was here. And there we were...fully out of control. It was beautiful. No monitors, no IVs, no drugs, no bright lights..just us. I wasn't emotional. I didn't cry. God had gifted me exactly what I had wanted.....the Grand Canyon instead of a small lookout. He had gifted me a clear mind, unmuddled with the emotions of the past 18 months. I was clear. What was my reaction? I felt like shouting. I wanted to yell from the rooftops, "Of course she is here! Of course she is perfect.....Of course she is Vivi!" I was just clearly aware of her presence...but I had KNOWN her for 9 months.....
I am experiencing the emotions now, day by day. But what a gift that God kept them from overwhelming me all at once that day. Vivienne is perfect. She eats, sleeps, squeaks and has brought us joy....and healing.....which isn't her responsibility...but a result of who she is and what God has intended for her.
I am remembering to give God my desires all the while remembering that His desires for me are better still........
PS: I am posting a slideshow in a few days.... I can't wait for you to see the events of that day!
Here.
In my arms.
Right now....as I type.
Vivienne Joy Rose Bullard arrived in a whirlwind on March 15th, 2012....three weeks early and right on time.
I headed to the hospital for a routine visit around 11 am. On the way walking inside, my water broke....I mean, I wasn't sure having never gone into labor on my own.....but, I thought it may have.
Some back story....I have never gone into labor......I have been induced three times. Jaden was induced from a starting point of 0 cm...as was Eason.....and of course, Branson's birth was induced, medicated, and controlled. I had pain with each, but epidurals were administered and everything took a very long time. I had spoken very openly to the Lord about my desire to have Vivi naturally. I took the desire to Him...knowing that her life and well-being mattered most...and that my desire knew nothing of what He had planned for us. It was like walking up a hill asking for there to be a simple lookout at the top....I didn't want to shortchange myself if God had the Grand Canyon waiting for me instead. So I simply asked, told Him my desires, did my research, made a tentative and flexible plan, and waited.
The day before I had done some walking....quite a bit of eating(convinced Will to take me to Red Lobster), and I even push-swept the carport. That night, I went to youth, and danced on the wii in the basement by myself:) No contractions...no pain....nothing. I couldn't sleep, so I went to computer with an open spirit...with the funny realization of how "out of control" I was....and that I was ok with that. I wrote the last blog called "out of control" in that sleepy state....and went to bed at peace...and I actually slept...well.
So, like I said, I went to the Doctor suspecting that my water had broken walking up the hill to his office. I did a secret happy dance in the bathroom, proud that I could go in and at least have had some progress! I went straight in and sure enough....membranes had ruptured. I was happy. My doc was not. He scowled a little with some concern and measured her...She was happy and healthy at what he thought to be 7 lb 11 oz.
But, I was less than 2 cm dilated and not effaced, and he suspected we had very little time to get my body ready to have a baby....the body that takes forever to have a baby. Yep, that one.
He sent me over to triage around noon with the understanding that he would be there around 4 or so to start the induction and pitocin.... There were no rooms available. Even triage was full.
I will admit that I believed him. That for those moments, I thought that this was as far as I would get on my own. I was actually grateful to have the "water breaking" story. For the moment, I had settled for the simple lookout...when God had more in store. I am so glad I am not in control. I would miss out on so much.
In triage I got settled, called a few people, told mom to go get Jaden and head back to work a bit, and told Will to go home, get our things and that, Yes, he had time to take a shower. I played a bit on my phone until I started feeling some contractions on my own. They had me hooked up to a monitor and nothing was showing on the screen. I started to get discouraged that the contractions were getting painful but were apparently very mild. After all, I had wanted to go natural and couldn't even tolerate these well. I was getting very uncomfortable in the bed...like the angle of the bed was wrong. I felt like I needed to get up, but the nurse had needed a 30 minute continuous monitor strip, so I stayed put as long as I could. After a few more minutes I asked to go to the bathroom. I had about 4 or 5 major contractions in the bathroom and knew these were for real. When I got back to the room, I told her what I was experiencing and she looked at the monitor printout and told me that they were barely registering. And then I told her my back was hurting so bad that I refused to get back in the bed. Her response? : "Crap". Apparently the back labor contractions that I was experiencing were not registering because of where the monitor was. She checked me and I was already 5 cm. It was only around 1 pm. Will wasn't there. My mom wasn't there. I called him and he was on his way. I couldn't get back in the bed. The contractions were too strong. I stood and labored for another 30 minutes. When Will got there I was more than 7 cm. I had already refused the epidural, and things were progressing fast. I could tell the nurse was a little panicked and Will was just getting filled in....and not very well. She was frazzled and talking to someone on the phone...less than calmly. The contractions were on top of each other.
At around 2:00 the nurse checked and said I was more than 9 cm. She phoned someone to say she was "sorry" and that she was bringing me now....that the room had "better be ready".
They wheeled us down the hall, and for the first and last time that day, I was a little scared. I didn't know where Will had gone and I was uneasy about making it in time. We got to the room where they told me they could not get a hold of my doctor.
So there we were in the birthing room...just us. After some preparations and a few pushes she was here. And there we were...fully out of control. It was beautiful. No monitors, no IVs, no drugs, no bright lights..just us. I wasn't emotional. I didn't cry. God had gifted me exactly what I had wanted.....the Grand Canyon instead of a small lookout. He had gifted me a clear mind, unmuddled with the emotions of the past 18 months. I was clear. What was my reaction? I felt like shouting. I wanted to yell from the rooftops, "Of course she is here! Of course she is perfect.....Of course she is Vivi!" I was just clearly aware of her presence...but I had KNOWN her for 9 months.....
I am experiencing the emotions now, day by day. But what a gift that God kept them from overwhelming me all at once that day. Vivienne is perfect. She eats, sleeps, squeaks and has brought us joy....and healing.....which isn't her responsibility...but a result of who she is and what God has intended for her.
I am remembering to give God my desires all the while remembering that His desires for me are better still........
PS: I am posting a slideshow in a few days.... I can't wait for you to see the events of that day!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
So I am up and sleepy...probably a very bad time to write....
Not to mention my head is swirling with information and my heart a-flutter with anticipation...
Probably a very bad time to write.
So here goes:)
I have decided to allow myself to be out of control. For the past month, I have made list after list after list. One of the mundane lists I made was what I thought we should do for family vacations in the summer. Mind you, this list extended through the year 2018. If that list doesn't already tell you that I am bonkers, maybe this one will. I also made a list of gifts I would buy if I could afford them. Most of these are wild and extravagant things for my husband or mother....and I quickly deleted the list because I was afraid one of them would see it. I remember a few of them. A trip to France, A new truck, a lawnmower, a lawnboy. I will let you decide which was for which:)
My point is this: I was spending a lot of time making lists. Call it nesting. Call it control. Call it what you want. I was spending valuable time on these lists. It is what my Grannie would call "piddlin." I only ever know that I am doing it either midway through or in hindsight. It always seems like a good idea at the time. The other day I recognized it midway. I was elbow deep in cough syrup and bandaids when I realized that "organizing the medicine cabinet" was one of those tasks that could have waited. It is possible that the dishes in the sink or the laundry souring in the washer was more important at that moment. Or perhaps I should have just been on the couch curled up in the Bible. Whatever it was, it was pointless....and I realized that the lists, the piddlin' and even the worrying and obsessing over my plans were doing me no good at all. They were wasting my time.
I am not here to say that lists, plans and organization are bad. Not at all. But I have been the girl in the store buying containers to control the clutter. I have been the girl with the unapproachable and unrealistic list of things to do. I have been the girl that has kicked and screamed and cried when her plans fell through. I know there is a limit, because I have reached it.
So, what do you do when you are a mom, a wife, an employee.....when you need to organize your time and mind? How do you decide your limits, set your goals, call your plays?
You don't.
My friend Jo put it very clearly tonight. Most of the time, I call in God as my kicker. It is 4th and long and I realize in hindsight or midway though that I am gonna need him to come in and save the day. He is capable. He knows what to do. He is warmed up. He wants to win. The perfect answer to the problem I created for myself.
Too many times I look back to realize I have been trying to call the plays the whole game. Jo put it so clear tonight when he reminded me that God should have been my quarterback all along. Why was I trying to play all over the field? Why hadn't I asked before, "God, what do you want to do with this situation?" "How do you want to use me?"
After a week of mulling over a few sermons from Graham Cooke, I am embarrassed as a follower of Christ to admit how I was thinking. I am looking back at all the time I wasted trying to analyze and fix my "problems" and my "flaws" with goals and lists. Instead, all the time, there God stood with outstretched arms waiting to give me traits and tools to be more like Him.....and all the while wanted to love on me while He did it.
The immediate application of this issue is my "birth plan". After being induced twice, I had dreams of going into labor on my own. I want to do it naturally. I want it to go perfect, even if it is painful, and I want to do it God's way. I want to do it slowly, without intervention. I just wanted to have it my way...and the way that God intended it to be. But here is the thing. I am not purely positive on what His way is. He has given me a wonderful and wise doctor. He made my body in His image. It isn't it its best shape:), but it is created well by the Creator. He is in control of Miss Vivi....I know this- but He is also in control of me. I have to surrender my plan. I simply must present my desire to my Father. The Father that cares for me, provides for me, has love and passion and fire for what is important to me. I trust Him....He says He will give me the desires of my heart...and I have made clear to Him my desire. I will trust that He will do what is best for me even if it not what I desire....because He is always the same....always good.
So I have decided to be out of control. To ask the Savior of the World what He wants to do and follow Him into it. It will take patience and self-control. It will take faithfulness. But, because of His love for me, I am able to receive it.....I will not be making anymore lists...unless it is of things that I hear Him speaking over me. As I write this moment, He is telling me that I am "funny" and that He "enjoys me".......is there anything more beautiful than being loved? Sigh.
~"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us" -Jesus Culture
Not to mention my head is swirling with information and my heart a-flutter with anticipation...
Probably a very bad time to write.
So here goes:)
I have decided to allow myself to be out of control. For the past month, I have made list after list after list. One of the mundane lists I made was what I thought we should do for family vacations in the summer. Mind you, this list extended through the year 2018. If that list doesn't already tell you that I am bonkers, maybe this one will. I also made a list of gifts I would buy if I could afford them. Most of these are wild and extravagant things for my husband or mother....and I quickly deleted the list because I was afraid one of them would see it. I remember a few of them. A trip to France, A new truck, a lawnmower, a lawnboy. I will let you decide which was for which:)
My point is this: I was spending a lot of time making lists. Call it nesting. Call it control. Call it what you want. I was spending valuable time on these lists. It is what my Grannie would call "piddlin." I only ever know that I am doing it either midway through or in hindsight. It always seems like a good idea at the time. The other day I recognized it midway. I was elbow deep in cough syrup and bandaids when I realized that "organizing the medicine cabinet" was one of those tasks that could have waited. It is possible that the dishes in the sink or the laundry souring in the washer was more important at that moment. Or perhaps I should have just been on the couch curled up in the Bible. Whatever it was, it was pointless....and I realized that the lists, the piddlin' and even the worrying and obsessing over my plans were doing me no good at all. They were wasting my time.
I am not here to say that lists, plans and organization are bad. Not at all. But I have been the girl in the store buying containers to control the clutter. I have been the girl with the unapproachable and unrealistic list of things to do. I have been the girl that has kicked and screamed and cried when her plans fell through. I know there is a limit, because I have reached it.
So, what do you do when you are a mom, a wife, an employee.....when you need to organize your time and mind? How do you decide your limits, set your goals, call your plays?
You don't.
My friend Jo put it very clearly tonight. Most of the time, I call in God as my kicker. It is 4th and long and I realize in hindsight or midway though that I am gonna need him to come in and save the day. He is capable. He knows what to do. He is warmed up. He wants to win. The perfect answer to the problem I created for myself.
Too many times I look back to realize I have been trying to call the plays the whole game. Jo put it so clear tonight when he reminded me that God should have been my quarterback all along. Why was I trying to play all over the field? Why hadn't I asked before, "God, what do you want to do with this situation?" "How do you want to use me?"
After a week of mulling over a few sermons from Graham Cooke, I am embarrassed as a follower of Christ to admit how I was thinking. I am looking back at all the time I wasted trying to analyze and fix my "problems" and my "flaws" with goals and lists. Instead, all the time, there God stood with outstretched arms waiting to give me traits and tools to be more like Him.....and all the while wanted to love on me while He did it.
The immediate application of this issue is my "birth plan". After being induced twice, I had dreams of going into labor on my own. I want to do it naturally. I want it to go perfect, even if it is painful, and I want to do it God's way. I want to do it slowly, without intervention. I just wanted to have it my way...and the way that God intended it to be. But here is the thing. I am not purely positive on what His way is. He has given me a wonderful and wise doctor. He made my body in His image. It isn't it its best shape:), but it is created well by the Creator. He is in control of Miss Vivi....I know this- but He is also in control of me. I have to surrender my plan. I simply must present my desire to my Father. The Father that cares for me, provides for me, has love and passion and fire for what is important to me. I trust Him....He says He will give me the desires of my heart...and I have made clear to Him my desire. I will trust that He will do what is best for me even if it not what I desire....because He is always the same....always good.
So I have decided to be out of control. To ask the Savior of the World what He wants to do and follow Him into it. It will take patience and self-control. It will take faithfulness. But, because of His love for me, I am able to receive it.....I will not be making anymore lists...unless it is of things that I hear Him speaking over me. As I write this moment, He is telling me that I am "funny" and that He "enjoys me".......is there anything more beautiful than being loved? Sigh.
~"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us" -Jesus Culture
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