Vivi's Room

Hey- just a short post of some pictures of this little Spunky girl's room:)
We didn't buy much of anything...It feels very natural that this baby girl would have hand-me-downs from her siblings...Jaden's books and musical duck (along with more baby shoes than any child will ever need), Eason's crib skirt/ruffle and toys, Branson's refurbished mobile and handmade quilt......
She also has some new things- a handmade crocheted blanket from my friend Sarah, a button "V" and a yarn covered "V" courtesy of her mama, a handpainted owl from my friend Janelle, a Princess balance toy from her GranJan....enough to make the room hers...that is for sure:)

Girly Canopy with ribbons:) and her pigs!

Vivi is going to get to watch Branson's birds from her bed. I cut them from the mobile and added the fun felt balls inside the canopy in "her colors"

A borderline obsession with baby shoes- I admit it.

A special book from when I was a baby

The lamp from Jaden's nursery and Vivi's yarn covered V. Above is the custom-painted owl from my friend, and below is the baby bird from Vivi's aunt Sadie.

Each of my children have a balance toy- Jaden's is a mermaid, Eason's a knight and Vivi's is this princess warrior

Picture of her dresser in the morning...
This is where the sun comes in.

Because we are cloth diapering, it made more sense to put a changing table in the bathroom...So here it is:)

One Birthday

The day of her birth.  Her birthday.  The day she was delivered.  They all are the same thing- but not technically. She was brought to life at conception- when God formed her little body.  She was delivered into are arms on this day so that we could hold her, touch her, spend cherished moments with her.  But I want to remember something clearly- and make sure you don't miss it-  because God made it clear what He wanted for her.  I don't know why, but I know He did.

She never felt the chill of this world on her skin.  She was never sad or cold or lonely..... She never experienced the tension between the world and her Spirit.  She never knew of any place that wasn't warm, cozy and perfect for her.  She could have.  She could have been born alive and experienced a much different few hours before passing away. I am so thankful for the authority that God took over her life and experience. So grateful that He removed the responsibility from my hands- and took it on Himself.  

We had a beautiful birthday celebration at her grave.  We removed her winter flowers and replaced them with a beautiful Springtime arrangement.  Jaden made her a necklace and eason brought a ceramic bird that belonged to my Grandmother. Will and I arranged the flowers and the kids placed their things on her grave.   Family and friends came and supported us with giggles and stories and words of wisdom. It wasn't fancy.  It was unorganized.  It was awkward mingling....much like the birthday celebrations of my other children:)

Thank you for celebrating with us.... those of you that came and braved the breezy day and those of you that sweetly remembered and honored us with prayer.  We felt it....the breath of God(although wintery today) blowing over us....whisking fear and doubt away....taking with it guilt and bad memories and bringing life where there was death.


We praise Him for her life...for each kick, each swallow, each turn she made....each brainwave, heartbeat and thought of her Spirit.  Her life matters....and we are so thankful.  She only had one birth day...but it mattered.

Restoration

I hope I didn't catch you off guard with the post from last year. It made no sense to try to describe again where I was when I had a perfectly fine time capsule with it all right there...raw and untouched. So, I decided to repost it. It made more sense.  


On Saturday, Branson's delivery day- her Birthday, we will be visiting her grave.  We want to make sure that we honor the day and celebrate her life.  Will had the idea to do this every year- to put blatant "Springtime!" flowers out in the middle of February...quenching out the Winter. I love it.  Jaden is planning on making a strand of beads to leave there, and we just want it to be a time of celebration and healing.  Because of who Branson was and the testimony she has, we cannot bear to keep her to ourselves. We go by her grave often as a family.  This Saturday, however, we want to open it up to anyone who would like to celebrate her with us.  You are welcome to come, to drop by, to talk to your kids.....We want this to be a moment of healing for the children that have walked this road with us as well. It couldn't have been easy.  **Greenwood Cemetery, Tazewell Pike  1 o'clock**


That being said, I have spent this week immensely blessed.....Blessed by the words of friends and the encouragement that has come from so many.  I even had an amazing baby shower last week...or should I say "Johnna Shower".....some of my most favorite women across many generations with immeasurable wisdom surrounded me and poured out love for me.  Vivi received some sweet sweet gifts, but more than anything, I was showered with love.  They spent over an hour speaking blessings over me, praying for me, Vivi, Will and the kids.....They built up my spirit.  Between that event and 5 nights in a row of good sleep, I feel like I can take on the world.  And I am.



Vivi's room is finished, and I am just about ready to take some pictures of it.  To top it off, right outside her room, we placed a shadowbox and memory box of Branson's things.  It is perfect....available to the kids and personal to our house.  I feel really peaceful when I look at it.  




















I am in amazement at where we find ourselves and humbled by the gift that Vivi is. I realize the difference in this year had we not been pregnant- that ever-present hope....
We did not have to get pregnant. We could have tried for months without success.  We could have even decided not to try again.  Or- we could still be trying and in despair.  I realize this.  I also realize that this is where some of you are.  You feel as though God hasn't heard you...hasn't restored you...hasn't met you in that place yet.  My story could make you angry....because you feel you are being robbed of the healing you want. You may still be angry at God.  That is all ok. I am convinced that it doesn't matter what you say to the Father as long as you are in His lap when you say it.  


What encouragement can I give other than to say that it is His plan for you...that restoration IS what He intends for you.  I don't know the time, the space or even the process, but it is ALWAYS His plan.  I do know that sometimes He must remove us from things, chisel away at us, take us from what is comfortable in order for us to see the restoration.  Sometimes, we must choose to let go of things- bitterness, unforgiveness, jealousy, control-  in order to receive it.  


I choose that. I choose it even again today, Lord.  I give you control. I give you Vivienne.  She is yours.  You know what is best.  I submit her to you, my kids to you, my marriage to you, my plan to you......again and again and again.

A year ago......

Hindsight....
In my past experience, it has always been rather clear.  20/20. So easy to see what choices were poor, what roads God led us through, what paths were disastrous.  When I think about the past year, I have no such clarity.  


Although I distinctly see the valley that the Lord walked us through, I make no attempt to clarify the reasoning or will of my Father. There is no asking why because there is no earthly answer that would suffice. When I miscarried a baby in early 2006, I became pregnant soon after with Eason. There was a very simple physiological answer for that time. The loss of that baby was painful, but the truth was and is that simply because of time, I would not have been able to have that baby without negating the life of my Eason.  I would have had her...and no him.  So, with that knowledge and understanding I trusted that the Lord's plan was not only perfect but also realistic.


With Branson's death, there is no solace in time.  I could have her and still have Vivi on the way.  She would have turned 1 on February 25th.  My hindsight is just as blurry as ever.  That is ok with me.  I am no longer expecting to be met by answers I always understand. I am getting used to just believing.  


Today, standing in worship, thinking about where we were this time last year, I wept with the knowledge that I believed whole-heartedly that Branson would be born, healed and a part of our family.  I believed that she would be a testimony to the world about the loving miracles our God still performs. I longed to see that on the faces of the doctors, the skeptics, our friends, our children.  
I do not regret believing in that. She is a testimony- she was made whole and healed and called into the Kingdom immediately- before experiencing the sin of this world.  She is part of our family.


He answered my prayers and met me in my belief- even when it wasn't what I thought He would do.  He gathered me to Him.  He walked me through it.  He calmed my spirit. He actually CHANGED me......


My hindsight is just as much in His hands as my future... 
Pray for us as we walk out the next few weeks around the anniversary of Branson's birth.


Vivi is active, growing and well, and we will celebrate both girls together. 

saving me from myself...

Sometimes, I am my own worst enemy. 
 It has been a long time since posting a blog.  I can blame it partly on being just so darn happy.  I know that isn't an excuse, but it is really hard to write when you are happy. It is hard to imagine that people would ever be interested in reading something about how so over the moon you are.....so, I have tossed at least 4 blogs that did just that.

30 or so weeks

I can try to blame it on the pregnancy brain. I truly am very jumbled up. Despite the ever-present ADD, I am losing brain blood supply to an increasingly large abdomen...as well as an ever-increasing rear end, according to eason.




But, more than anything, I think it has to do with the season that God has me in- the "stop and just be in the moment" season.  Sometimes, blogging about it tends to get me thinking- too much sometimes.  

Jaden's photo-a-day...you can play!

I took a break from facebook in early January.  12 days without it.  I pretty much didn't touch the computer, either. I did, however, participate in a photo-a-day project.  It seemed to really bring me center...to help me focus on something simple- something beautiful.  I am currently doing one my 10 year old and her friend made.(#febpix on instagram) It is pretty special....


Without clogging the blog up with details of the pregnancy, I must announce that she is so super healthy.  I know I have said this before, but she is the most active child I have ever carried.  She is constantly moving, and I know that God has gifted me with such reassurance in her every move. What a sweet way of loving on me- to let me know so often that she is so....spunky.


Today marks the 60 day countdown to Vivienne Joy's due date.  I call it a JOY countdown....and I have even decided to post a photo-a-day of something that brings me joy until she gets here.  You are welcome to join via facebook, twitter or instagram....#joycountdown


All of these things, the attempt to focus, the thrill of her birth, the expectation...even the desire to just be....all of these things can ironically take my focus off the Father.  Like I said, I am my own worst enemy. His lap is so near, yet when things are so good, I find myself off of it.  It is ok.  It is alright to explore, to have freedom, to play at the feet of my Father....but that lap is not just for my tears and for my frightened moments. He is a Father that loves to hear my JOY, my expectations, my excitement.  He is a Father that I am drawn to by His kindness.  I am still learning that He feels this way about me.  


Last week, my friend Jo reminded me of this using a United Pursuit song...


Jesus, you've called me a friend..
Jesus, you've made me what I am ..
Jesus,  you're my life within.


I can't wait to post pictures of Vivi's room.  It is the perfect combination of her own "personality" that I feel I already know so well and hand-me-downs from her sisters- both Jaden and Branson.....even eason's crib skirt makes an appearance.
I will post them soon, as well as an update from our 32/33 week check up next week.

The latest picture of Vivi Joy's face....with her hand in her mouth:)

The dark times.....

“In the dark times 
Will there also be singing? 
Yes, there will also be singing. 
About the dark times.” 
― Bertolt Brecht


This is one of the darkest times of year for many people.  I am struck by the fact that hope and light do not always shine during this dark time for everyone.  Many are missing loved ones, struggling financially, are blinded by the consumerism of the season, or simply missing some much needed sunshine.  It is hard for many, and I am struck by the emptiness that can be found in such a "full" time.

I have no magic cure for this feeling...for the dark times.  But I do know this: there is always light.  We do live in a dark world, but it is not without light.  The first place I look for light is in my Jesus, after all, He is the light of the world. There is also light in others.  Look around.  Watch The lady smiling at you at Chick fil-a.....the cable repair guy who was on time....the friend that you can always call....the lady that bought coffee for the person behind her in the Starbuck's line....the fact that most of the homeless shelters are booked for volunteers this year for Christmas.  

There are lights all around.  There is light in you- have you hidden it? Divided it? Dimmed it in fear? Let it be covered up by other things?

I find myself, during the dark times, looking for a "cause" to certain miseries.  If I am unhappy, it must be someone's fault.  Usually, I find it easiest to point my finger at the closest unsuspecting victim.  Poor Will.
I am not the only one that does this. This happens all the time in marriage.  Our logic: "If I am unhappy, then it must be my husband/wife's fault." The fallacy or error here is: It was not your spouse's job to make you happy....it is not the purpose of marriage. Let me say that again. Happiness and Perfection were not God's purpose for marriage.  It isn't the purpose of your job to make you happy.  It isn't the job of your kids to make you happy. It isn't your friend's responsibility to make you happy.  It isn't your church's job to make you happy. It isn't your parents' job to make you happy......

Starting to feel alone?  Are you asking yourself: "Who is left?......I am unhappy. I am alone."

Good. Then God has you where He wants you....empty and needy and ready to be filled to the brim.  He sure can't fill you to the brim when you have tried to cram all those other things in your tank to try to make yourself happy.  Besides, the bitterness and anger that comes from these things not meeting your happiness needs will drive you to destruction: divorce, alcohol, overeating, emotional paralysis, immobilization, drugs, isolation, depression......you name it.... You know what I am talking about:
 "I fell out of love"
 "Noone values me in my job"
 "My friends don't call me"
"I drink to have a good time"
"We just weren't happy at that church"

So, a Christmassy cheerful challenge........

To stop looking at who or what is making you unhappy and focus lighting up your own life.
1) To look to your Savior- the one that came and died for us and would have done that if it had just been you and you alone on this earth....
2) To look around and appreciate those that are shining their light- to serve them, honor them, thank them for lighting up this dark world.
3) to decide today that your light is your responsibility and not the responsibility of your husband, your boss, your mom, your friend....You are the only one who can find true joy- true happiness- the kind of joy that doesn't disappear when the bills come, or when tragedy strikes, or when your marriage doesn't look like you want it to......the Joy of the Lord....the kind that is in you even in the darkest times....

What are you doing to seek that Joy?.....experience that Joy?.......spread that Joy?


Too harsh?  Not if your life is at stake.......

Plan B

This little girl's name is Vivienne.  That is the original French spelling.  I love the way the name trails off with an "e"....I am a little obsessed with it.....For a few reasons: 

1) It is French

2) It is an older name

3) It means "Alive" and "Life"....Not just in symbolism, but in the Latin origin.

but most of all

4) When I mentioned it as a possibility to Will, he literally put his hand on his heart and gasped.  He then proceeded to call her "Vivi" and he put his head straight to my belly to talk to her.  I was hooked.

God has spoken to me very clearly a few times about this baby.  I already mentioned to you that he gave me the word "Spunky" for her...which, I know doesn't seem like a word the Almighty might use...but He did.

The next thing that He spoke over her was that her life was in the hands of no Doctor or nurse....no professional.....not even in our hands.  

The thing that He has revealed to me in this advent season about Vivi is that she is no Plan (B).  

I was meant to conceive and carry Branson for the exact time that God gave her to me.  I was meant to bond with her, dream of her, learn about her personality.  I was meant to be blessed in His giving, and I was meant to experience the loss of her.  I am done asking "why".  I simply continue to ask Him "how" to walk it out...how to be honest about the grief and the joy that I experience every day.  Vivienne is not a replacement baby, just as dinner doesn't replace breakfast.  You need both.....Both were meant to feed me, nourish me, teach me. Both are blessings from the Lord.  Both are my girls.

It is still a mystery- the perfect will of God. I believe that He has ordained my path, that He holds my life in His hands, that His plan for the universe included His plan for my days. 

 I also believe that our choices dictate how much of His will we get to walk out ourselves.  My choices concerning Branson, for example: to have never been willing to get pregnant and try for a 3rd baby......to have aborted her when I learned of her health concerns.....to have disregarded and dismissed her as a life, a daughter-never acknowledging her personhood after she was gone.......to become bitter after she died- angry at God and unforgiving- drowning in self-pity.....to allow her death to create a pattern of walking in fear in my life from here on out....to decide God was mean, sadistic or just didn't know what He was doing.

There were so many choices. Each of those choices determined whether or not I would experience and learn the will of God in the way He had set out for me... 

My life is not a series of Plan (Bs).  God did not look at my screwed up choices and wonder "what am I going to do with her now?"  He knew my shortcomings, my experiences, my gifts as he formed me inside of my mother.  He loved me enough to give me the freedom to choose and blessed me over and over again even when I failed Him, even when I chose to go my own way- He drew me back to himself time and time again.

Why am I learning this in Advent?  Because it isn't the first time that a baby has NOT been God's Plan (B).  Jesus was not a last minute effort by the Almighty to save us.  It was His plan from the fall.  It was the only way to bring restoration to the world. It was the only thing that would satisfy the wrath of sin. It was the only perfect sacrifice that would atone for my choices.  It was part of THE Master Plan....and so is Vivi.