"A thankful heart is a happy heart....."- Junior Asparagus

It happens all the time....it is just exceptionally easy to send up thanks when you are surrounded by colorful leaves...
And of course, like every other year, I feel exceptionally grateful for what I have. It doesn't seem to matter if hard things have happened that year....if I began to put things on a scale of good and bad, the good would win by a landslide- always does....


This year we decided to make a Thanksgiving Tree. I am always determined to minimize the Christmas hubub until we have spent some time being truly thankful...but this is the first year I have ever done one.  The kids are so excited about it, so I thought I could give you a little tutorial;) I know, you didn't ask for one.....  

The Beginning

I took some limbs from the back yard, big enough to stand straight, but small enough to have some twigs, branches and leaves on them and arranged them in a container. In this case, I used an old paint can that I filled with rocks and some water to make it heavy.


Then, I printed some "I am thankful" tags off the internet. A sheet for all members of the family to fill out.  In hindsight, I wish I had had some colored cardstock, but I just let each kid color the paper lightly.  They filled out things like, "Mommy, Daddy, I pod, Car, House, Health."  I wanted them to be able to put both essential needs and extra luxuries God had given them.

Loosely tied ribbon and the chain

We then made the chain with scissors and a stapler and hung it on the tree. I assembled some left over ribbon in fall colors and tied them loosely on the tree. I tend to be free with my ribbon tying, you may want a more traditional bow or smaller length.  Personally, I like the flowing ribbon....but I am weird like that.

Printable Tags

 Then, the kids and I, along with Will's list inspired a photo and clip art search. You can use all clip art, or all digital photos, which ever works easier for you.  We have a zillion wonderful cousins, so instead of each individual, I printed a clip art pic that said "BEST COUSINS"....but our Grandparents.....they were too special..They got their own photo.  I resized them into a document and printed them. I did it on paper and then glued them to index cards so they would hold up- again, wish I had had some card stock...would have been easier.   

example of picture "ornament"

I punched a hole in each pic and threaded it through the
top of the hole from the front. It seemed to lay better that way. Of course, there are tons of ways to attach them to the tree. 

Threaded ribbon 

Picture Ornaments Hung

After finishing the tree, I sent each kid and myself on a hunt to find things to add as ornaments or put under the tree that they were thankful for.  (Notice the action figures)...

An ornament from my Mama

Just a few items from the kids: a playbill from Jaden's play, an engagement announcement from Eason's wallet, a pic of the cousins, a Wolverine action figure........

Hobby Lobby had these on clearance, and so I hung a few on the tree for effect.....:)

The Finished Product:

a post I "unjumbled"....

Recently, a lady whom I had never met, prayed over me.  She did not know Branson's story or even that I was pregnant again....
She prayed this:


"That the wound she has experienced will stop here- and be forbidden to continue to affect her presently."


"That she will look to YOU as her Savior and stop trying to make others into a savior"


"That she heals"


"That she will open up, stretch, move and bend to what You want to accomplish in her"


"That you will protect her"




Among many other things that had me in tears and weak in the knees, these are some of things she prayed.


Sometimes I forget that this is not God's "plan B".  That He isn't sitting in heaven with his notebook planning the next journey based on the next road I take.
I am NOT a "choose your own adventure" book that surprises Him.  I AM His adventure, His Glory, His child, His beloved.  He knew what today looked like for me as he knit me together in my wonderful mama...almost, eh-hem-cough-cough, 30 years ago......
He knew that I would choose hard roads, bad alleyways, sketchy sidestreets, wide meadows and rocky switchbacks.  But, He loved me enough to give me the freedom to choose....and He still pursued me....relentlessly.  He knew what this journey looked like from the beginning.  He is not a puppeteer.  He is an all-knowing, all-loving Father who wants to guide me, always.  


Just like sending me this woman of God to pray for me this weekend, He has surrounded me with people who continue to pursue, look inside, and pry into my life.  It is the most wonderful feeling in the world- to be known....really known.


As I continue to walk the next 10 days out until my 20 week anatomy scan, I will remember her words....that I will not look to the doctor's to be my gods....
I will not allow their knowledge of life, death, illness and cure to cloud my judgement of who holds this baby.  I will trust them, thank them and then look to my Father for comfort...for He is my Savior...He has already saved me.

can't hold my love back......

My words are jumbled.  I can't explain how I am feeling any better than this song can........

Words can never say the way He says my name
He calls me lovely
No one every sees the He looks at me 
He sees me holy
Words can never hold this love that burns my soul
Heaven holds me
Heaven holds me 

You will not believe the way He touches me
He burns right through me
I could not forget every word He said
He always knew me
Earth could never hold this love that burns my soul
Heaven holds me
Oh, heaven holds me

It feels pretty good to be held by Heaven.......that is a pretty safe place to spend the next few months.  There are about 6 blog entries in my head at the moment,  and I will spare you the chaos of trying to sort them out on this page. I will begin to sort them myself before I type them out:) It is the least I can do.

PS( my baby girl is the size of a cantaloupe!) rats!...I promised I wouldn't do that;)

Ten Years of Being a Mommy......

My oldest turns 10 today....

Yep...There she is...in all her glory.

She was born at 9:08 this evening 10 years ago after 16 hours of induction.  I was 19, unmarried, and scared.

I love hindsight. I would actually prefer to live in hindsight forever.  It is so much clearer....like the last 2 chapters of a good novel that tie up the loose ends so gracefully.  Sometimes, at the end of a good novel, you get a good hint of what is to come....as sequel- more.  This is where I was the night that Jaden was born.....with a glimpse of hindsight and a good hint at what was to come.

It is pretty easy for me to see back down the road I have walked thus far.  I see the hills and paved places...times where I coasted- no pedaling- hands raised- hair blowing.  I remember the trudging, the potholes, the gaps and canyons between where I was and where I wanted to be.

But mostly, on that road, I see Jaden.  I see the baby born to a baby.  I can see us growing up together...her teaching me, me teaching her.  It is almost impossible for me to remember back before she was here.  She has become as much a part of who I am....yet, she is herself...her own person with her own will, spirit, choices, future.  I am learning, still, to walk beside the baby I have carried so long.  It isn't easy.

I have long stated that God gives us children to teach us what we need to learn- like a giant mirror to reflect the rough edges that need sanding....a hi-liter to indicate the places where we need Him.

I pray that I continue to grow and change and mother....but I also pray that I do it with patience, humility and grace.

The best news.....

boy or girl?

Our baby- at 16 1/2 weeks is as healthy as can be.  THAT is the best news ever.

At our appointment this week, little one was kicking, stretching, jumping, waving, dancing....the head circumference was perfect....the little baby was perfect.
I am also pleased to say that things that usually occur in my pregnancies are not occurring. I have zero high blood pressure which I have had with all other 3 pregnancies....I am not gaining too much or too little....I have had zero infections...no heartburn(yet lol)......It has been so different.

So, we are praising God for health.  At that appointment, I knew I was past 16 weeks. I also knew that I was getting an ultrasound. So, Will made sure he was there and we took both kids.....we were stoked to find out what we were having...and I was dying to know.

As I stated previously, I have had trouble connecting to this baby. I usually bond very early, and I have eagerly awaited the connection to take place...at 8 weeks.....after the first ultrasound.......at 12 weeks......after the 1st trimester screenings...when I felt kicks......
It wasn't happening....and I was dying to be connected. I just knew that knowing if this baby was a boy or girl would do it.....I could envision them...call them by name.......talk to him/her.  It would help.

However, the doc wasn't ready to determine sex. He kindly prodded us to wait until our 20 week anatomy scan- no big deal.  He pointed out his opinion about error in determination.  He was sweet about it, but persistent.

I held back the tears until we made it to the car. We had driven separate and as the kids and I exited the parking garage I lost it.   Jaden understood.....was disappointed along with me and encouraged me to wait. She is so much braver than me.  I was heartbroken to wait 4 long weeks.  And I was embarrassed to care so much. Had I not just seen my healthy baby on the screen 10 minutes ago? Had I not been blessed beyond comprehension? Was I that demanding and impatient? yes.

I knew that all I had to do was call the private sonogram company in the area and make an appointment. I knew that Will would support me. I just didn't know if it was right.
Was I circumventing God's plan for me by making an appointment? Would I miss out on something I was meant to learn- a growing moment.  Was I simply being an impatient brat?   Would my doctor be mad that I had not heeded his advice....or obeyed him?

I made the appointment.  I made it because it wasn't wrong to do so.  I made it because I wanted to connect to this baby. I made it to avoid the stress and sadness of being disconnected.  I made it- and it was the best $99 I ever spent.

I cannot fully explain to you what all I saw- but I can tell you what stood out the most:
Bent knees.  Legs that flexed all the way in- knee to nose....and then extended in a kick.......coming back to rest in Indian style....and then to kick again.
Branson's legs had not moved- had not bent......we spent those 5 weeks watching as she remained mostly still- as her legs remained outstretched.
Jesus continues to reveal to me the magnitude of what was both physically and mentally wrong in her sweet body- and although I may never have a name or diagnosis, I am coming to fully understand the mercy that she endured by being taken home.

So, the ultrasound tech pointed out the obvious lack of certain body parts and my heart leapt at the thought of a sweet little girl in our house. I can't begin to explain the emotions- but can only tell you that it seems so right.

I sang to her the whole way home....The connection was immediate, and I have yet to stop floating.
I am praising God for what He has already done, but more than anything, I cannot wait to see what He is doing.  This baby seems to have destiny....and it is the Person that I am excited to meet, not the baby.

PS: Eason is still warming up to the idea of having a girl...he had his heart set on a brother:)

16 1/2 weeks.

Beginning.......

I have had trouble connecting....
Anyone that knows me can tell you....I immediately attach to unborn babies.  As soon as someone is pregnant- as soon as I am pregnant, I begin talking, chatting, singing to these babies.  They immediately have personality, and I am filled with hopes and dreams for them from the very start.

I have struggled with this in this pregnancy.  I pray for this baby. I think about him or her.  I talk... I wish....I speak of....

But I have struggled with the same kind of attachment that I usually have and I know this mostly based on one obvious gap in this pregnancy- The journal.

For each of my children, even the two I have lost, I have a pregnancy journal.  It chronicles the finding out, the family reactions, the physical effects, the hopes the dreams and the connections pre-birth with my sweet baby.  Jaden's is thick....full of pleadings to the Lord, confusions, confessions and full-on submisssion to the path my life was about to take.  Amelia's is thin- simply outlining our excitement, our plans and then our words to her as she left us.  Eason's is as heroic a pregnancy journal has ever been- we were deep with excitement and anticipation, and there were two of us to write...... Branson's begins much like that- excited words from her daddy calling her "little girl" from day 1.  There are prayers and dreams and messages from her big sister.  The entries became pleas to the Lord, begs for mercy, prayers for healing and ultimately submission to His perfect will.

I have meant to start one.  In my mind, I told myself I would wait until the 8 week appt...then the 12 week appt....and here I am: almost 16 weeks.....
I am longing for connection for a gender, a name- a clear face photo...anything that God may use to break through the wall of fear around my heart.

We have struggled with names, but God has made a personality trait clear to me: this baby is spunky.

Spunky.  That was straight from my Father.  That this child had a sort of clear-focused energy.  So, because my Jesus led me there, I follow- knowing that He is leading me and teaching me as quickly as I can "get it"...(There IS a reason He moves slowly sometimes (;    )

I will begin the journal this weekend.

God has plans....

So, I know that it is an obvious statement.  God has plans.
He does. But, sometimes I forget that I am a part of His plan instead of Him being the overseer of my plans.  Very often I find myself presenting my plan to the Father and asking Him to bless it....knowing that I have not even "consulted" Him during the plan-making process.

I am learning to sit....to wait....to rest.....to stop planning.  
It is the hardest lesson I have ever had to learn....because, at times, I feel unprepared, lazy, or even stupid.
I have always planned.

My plan for this baby: To be High Risk....to get to see the Dr. every two weeks, if not more.....to have constant reassurance....a team of Drs watching my baby.  To have, though, a perfect pregnancy and then a perfect baby. :) Not a bad plan....just not God's.

After agreeing to the first trimester screening, I got to see the high risk docs, the same ones that delivered Branson.  There was something calming and sweet about seeing the people that had seen my Branson.  We wanted the screening and the blood tests so that if there was a marker, my kids would know their medical history when they went to have kids.....Our scan was perfect, with a bouncing baby with a perfect heartbeat.  The blood test results came back great.  Good news, right?

So, the high risk docs don't need to see me anymore.....at all.  I am not high risk......for real?

I am currently in the middle of the dreaded 4 week waiting process to see the doctor again....4 weeks is an eternity...it really is.

It isn't that I don't want to be a part of God's plans.....It isn't that I don't trust Him...
It is pride.  Sometimes I simply and stupidly think my plan is better.....I know.......stupid.

Pray for patience and submission to His will.......

Pray for an unexpected glitch in the calendar that makes October 20th come quicker so we can find out sooner if this is a boy or a girl! ( just kidding...pray for patience)

Johnna