Silence

It would suffice to say I am mid-thought most days. If I finish the thought, I rarely have time to digest it, much less type it out... As I write from my bed- phone light in my face- I can't help but soak in just this hour of quiet that I have....nothing. Silence. It is a missing piece of my life. I remember when Jaden was little that I was so glad to be in the car by myself.. Radio to myself.. Singing at the top of my lungs.  Recently, however, like tonight on a quick errand, I found myself sitting in silence. The radio was off.... The hum of the engine.. A click in the left wheel... But silence. It was grand. I hope to find it again a little every day. I sometimes seek it in a stolen moment hiding in the house or a quick shower. I adore it. I also adore the messy-faced interrupters that end it.

Fault

I let my baby fall.  
I pivoted away from her...and she fell.  
I didn't even see how she hit the floor.  
She was so small and naked,  and all I could do I scoop up her crying body and bring her to mine.


It was a few minutes before I took a breath as she nursed and I examined her body..... She looked fine.


I was not.


I am not writing about an incident from yesterday...or even last week. It has been over a month since this happened... I hadn't written- posted- shared..... I didn't sit down to write. I didn't even post an update to ask for prayer.  I didn't share much at all...and I am a sharer.


When we first heard of Branson's diagnosis, I shared what was happening to us. I asked for prayer. I asked you to rally for her... for me.  When we lost her, I asked for prayer for myself, my children, my husband.  When we announced we were pregnant with Vivi, all I wanted from you was prayer....prayer for the innocent- prayer for those enduring the circumstance of God's will.
Yet, here is my baby in hospital overnight with a skull fracture....and I am silent.


Why.  Because it was my fault. Because I was embarrassed and ashamed. Because I wanted no advice, condemnation or excuse. I couldn't bear the thought of someone trying to make me feel better by telling me that "things happen" or "we aren't perfect".  I didn't want to admit that I had turned my eyes from my baby and that she had fallen.  No facebook posts this time.  I wanted it all to go away.


So, why post now? 
Because otherwise I am a fraud.
Because if I don't share it all then I'm not authentic....and I have been called to be authentic...and I will continue to pour it out even when the water isn't crystal clear...for it is in the murky and muddy water that I again find my Savior...the one who cleanses and cradles me.  

Sitting in my baby backpack

graduation from preschool...

They have the audacity to continue to grow.  You turn away for a second to tie a shoe and the little one rolls over.  You wake up one morning to your oldest asking to wear make-up.  Don't worry.  This isn't a "carpe diem" post, moms.  I think you hear it way to often....from the little old lady at the grocery store...from everyone..."It goes so fast."  "Sleep while you can!"  "In the blink of an eye..."
It isn't that these pieces of advice aren't sound. It is true.... But the pressure to "seize every moment" causes you to do just the opposite.  You have been there. I know I have.  Overplanning the birthday party so the MOMENT is perfect.  Spending hundreds of dollars and hours on the scrapbook to document all of the perfect MOMENTS. All of that seizing ends up exhausting the socks off of you.


It is becoming more apparent that chasing "carpe diem" isn't what God was asking of me all along anyway.  Phew, right? He was asking me to put one foot in front of another on a path that was rarely lit.  It was usually dark, with turns along the way...turns that often were deceptive, "obvious" doors that were often closed...things that I was sure He wanted - like Branson's life here on earth.  Doors that opened out of nowhere - like the opportunity to do this blog.  It is almost as if "seizing the day" would have complicated His path for me all along.  
Proverbs says that there is a "way that seems right to man, but in the end leads to death".  There have been twists and turns along the way- and my way would have ended up in need of a search party. In fact, at times, it did.


So, what does that look like in real life.  How do you balance? How do you enjoy the moment, look to the future and learn from the past all in the same "blink of an eye"? 

I don't know....and I am glad.  It is this "lost" feeling that keeps me looking at the path before me...straining my eyes for glimpses of His wisdom.  Unlike really being lost, however, I am embraced in Him along the way. I am riding in the baby backpack of my Father...sometimes open-eyed and blinking, sometimes crying to walk, sometimes snuggled deep and sleeping.  Those moments are not to be seized...merely soaked in.


Release the pressure of always getting it right.  You won't.  


Remember that the path He set for you requires faith to step through puddles and leap over gorges- but that most of the time you are being carried.

crying it out

It is 11:42 pm. It may as well be 3 am. That is how tired I am.  However, at the moment, I am letting my teeny tiny baby cry in her crib.  Why? Because she is well and fed and dry and sleepy.  We have cuddled and patted and snuggled and she has eaten and eaten and eaten....and eaten.  So, she is crying.  A few cries...then long periods of silence with eyes closed.  Then crying again...a few mad screams that sound like a pterodactyl...then a few snubs and sniffs...and then silence.  
She is fine.  I am not.  I am sitting in the living room hoping this will distract me from the one sound that I am conditioned and instinctively built to respond to. Everything in my body wants to run to her and promise to hold her all night long for the rest of her life...no matter what her husband will one day say.


But, she would never learn to sleep.  Sleep. It seems so simple, yet it is one of the first tasks that babies must learn: how to sooth themselves to sleep.  Sure, there is nothing wrong with rocking, nursing, patting, bouncing or even driving your baby to sleep....but whatever tool you use to help them will be the thing they learn to depend on.  


I wonder where my Jesus sits when I am crying it out sometimes...those moments where I must learn how to walk through the next step He calls me to...the times when it is painful.  While I am whining and complaining or asking Him to fix "it", is He waiting patiently- urging me to trust Him- reminding me that He knows best?


I am reminded of Lucy's question of Aslan in "Prince Caspian". After all the loss in Narnia, Lucy finally sees Aslan again.  She immediately asks him why he has not come roaring in to save the day like he did last time.  Yes, Lucy. I agree.  I find myself asking that as well.


However, even in my doubts and fears and fits it is still evident that He has never failed me.  Ever.  He has walked with me through fire and death.  He has walked me through mistrust, anger and resentment.  He has never failed me.  When He decides to let me cry it out, it is with the love, compassion and wisdom of a Father....of a mother who listens intently at the nursery door.


It is 11:56.  14 minutes of snubby little cries....I had decided to go in at 12....no need. I knew best.  And so does HE.

Introducing Vivi Joy!

Click on the link below for Vivi's birthday slideshow:)




Introducing Vivi Joy







enjoy!

Joy came......quickly.

She is here.
Here.
In my arms.
Right now....as I type.


Vivienne Joy Rose Bullard arrived in a whirlwind on March 15th, 2012....three weeks early and right on time.


I headed to the hospital for a routine visit around 11 am.  On the way walking inside, my water broke....I mean, I wasn't sure having never gone into labor on my own.....but, I thought it may have.


Some back story....I have never gone into labor......I have been induced three times.  Jaden was induced from a starting point of 0 cm...as was Eason.....and of course, Branson's birth was induced, medicated, and controlled. I had pain with each, but epidurals were administered and everything took a very long time.  I had spoken very openly to the Lord about my desire to have Vivi naturally.  I took the desire to Him...knowing that her life and well-being mattered most...and that my desire knew nothing of what He had planned for us.  It was like walking up a hill asking for there to be a simple lookout at the top....I didn't want to shortchange myself if God had the Grand Canyon waiting for me instead.  So I simply asked, told Him my desires, did my research, made a tentative and flexible plan, and waited.


The day before I had done some walking....quite a bit of eating(convinced Will to take me to Red Lobster), and I even push-swept the carport.  That night, I went to youth, and danced on the wii in the basement by myself:)  No contractions...no pain....nothing.  I couldn't sleep, so I went to computer with an open spirit...with the funny realization of how "out of control" I was....and that I was ok with that.  I wrote the last blog called "out of control" in that sleepy state....and went to bed at peace...and I actually slept...well.




So, like I said, I went to the Doctor suspecting that my water had broken walking up the hill to his office.  I did a secret happy dance in the bathroom, proud that I could go in and at least have had some progress! I went straight in and sure enough....membranes had ruptured.  I was happy. My doc was not.  He scowled a little with some concern and measured her...She was happy and healthy at what he thought to be 7 lb 11 oz.
But, I was less than 2 cm dilated and not effaced, and he suspected we had very little time to get my body ready to have a baby....the body that takes forever to have a baby. Yep, that one.
He sent me over to triage around noon with the understanding that he would be there around 4 or so to start the induction and pitocin.... There were no rooms available. Even triage was full.
I will admit that I believed him. That for those moments, I thought that this was as far as I would get on my own. I was actually grateful to have the "water breaking" story.  For the moment, I had settled for the simple lookout...when God had more in store. I am so glad I am not in control. I would miss out on so much.


In triage I got settled, called a few people, told mom to go get Jaden and head back to work a bit, and told Will to go home, get our things and that,  Yes, he had time to take a shower.  I played a bit on my phone until I started feeling some contractions on my own.  They had me hooked up to a monitor and nothing was showing on the screen. I started to get discouraged that the contractions were getting painful but were apparently very mild. After all, I had wanted to go natural and couldn't even tolerate these well.  I was getting very uncomfortable in the bed...like the angle of the bed was wrong.  I felt like I needed to get up, but the nurse had needed a 30 minute continuous monitor strip, so I stayed put as long as I could.  After a few more minutes I asked to go to the bathroom.  I had about 4 or 5 major contractions in the bathroom and knew these were for real.  When I got back to the room, I told her what I was experiencing and she looked at the monitor printout and told me that they were barely registering.  And then I told her my back was hurting so bad that I refused to get back in the bed.  Her response? : "Crap".  Apparently the back labor contractions that I was experiencing were not registering because of where the monitor was. She checked me and I was already 5 cm. It was only around 1 pm.  Will wasn't there. My mom wasn't there.  I called him and he was on his way. I couldn't get back in the bed. The contractions were too strong.  I stood and labored for another 30 minutes. When Will got there I was more than 7 cm.  I had already refused the epidural, and things were progressing fast.  I could tell the nurse was a little panicked and Will was just getting filled in....and not very well. She was frazzled and talking to someone on the phone...less than calmly.  The contractions were on top of each other. 


At around 2:00 the nurse checked and said I was more than 9 cm. She phoned someone to say she was "sorry" and that she was bringing me now....that the room had "better be ready".
They wheeled us down the hall, and for the first and last time that day, I was a little scared.  I didn't know where Will had gone and I was uneasy about making it in time.  We got to the room where they told me they could not get a hold of my doctor. 


So there we were in the birthing room...just us.  After some preparations and a few pushes she was here.  And there we were...fully out of control.  It was beautiful. No monitors, no IVs, no drugs, no bright lights..just us.  I wasn't emotional.  I didn't cry.  God had gifted me exactly what I had wanted.....the Grand Canyon instead of a small lookout.  He had gifted me a clear mind, unmuddled with the emotions of the past 18 months.  I was clear.  What was my reaction? I felt like shouting.  I wanted to yell from the rooftops, "Of course she is here! Of course she is perfect.....Of course she is Vivi!"  I was just clearly aware of her presence...but I had KNOWN her for 9 months.....

I am experiencing the emotions now, day by day. But what a gift that God kept them from overwhelming me all at once that day.  Vivienne is perfect. She eats, sleeps, squeaks and has brought us joy....and healing.....which isn't her responsibility...but a result of who she is and what God has intended for her.


I am remembering to give God my desires all the while remembering that His desires for me are better still........

PS: I am posting a slideshow in a few days.... I can't wait for you to see the events of that day!

So I am up and sleepy...probably a very bad time to write....
Not to mention my head is swirling with information and my heart a-flutter with anticipation...


Probably a very bad time to write.
So here goes:)


I have decided to allow myself to be out of control.  For the past month, I have made list after list after list.  One of the mundane lists I made was what I thought we should do for family vacations in the summer.  Mind you, this list extended through the year 2018.  If that list doesn't already tell you that I am bonkers, maybe this one will. I also made a list of gifts I would buy if I could afford them. Most of these are wild and extravagant things for my husband or mother....and I quickly deleted the list because I was afraid one of them would see it.  I remember a few of them.  A trip to France, A new truck, a lawnmower, a lawnboy. I will let you decide which was for which:)


My point is this: I was spending a lot of time making lists.  Call it nesting.  Call it control. Call it what you want. I was spending valuable time on these lists.  It is what my Grannie would call "piddlin." I only ever know that I am doing it either midway through or in hindsight. It always seems like a good idea at the time.  The other day I recognized it midway. I was elbow deep in cough syrup and bandaids when I realized that "organizing the medicine cabinet" was one of those tasks that could have waited.  It is possible that the dishes in the sink or the laundry souring in the washer was more important at that moment.  Or perhaps I should have just been on the couch curled up in the Bible.  Whatever it was, it was pointless....and I realized that the lists, the piddlin' and even the worrying and obsessing over my plans were doing me no good at all. They were wasting my time.  


I am not here to say that lists, plans and organization are bad. Not at all.  But I have been the girl in the store buying containers to control the clutter. I have been the girl with the unapproachable and unrealistic list of things to do. I have been the girl that has kicked and screamed and cried when her plans fell through.  I know there is a limit, because I have reached it.


So, what do you do when you are a mom, a wife, an employee.....when you need to organize your time and mind? How do you decide your limits, set your goals, call your plays?


You don't.
My friend Jo put it very clearly tonight.  Most of the time, I call in God as my kicker. It is 4th and long and I realize in hindsight or midway though that I am gonna need him to come in and save the day.  He is capable. He knows what to do. He is warmed up.  He wants to win.  The perfect answer to the problem I created for myself.
Too many times I look back to realize I have been trying to call the plays the whole game.  Jo put it so clear tonight when he reminded me that God should have been my quarterback all along.  Why was I trying to play all over the field? Why hadn't I asked before, "God, what do you want to do with this situation?" "How do you want to use me?"


After a week of mulling over a few sermons from Graham Cooke, I am embarrassed as a follower of Christ to admit how I was thinking. I am looking back at all the time I wasted trying to analyze and fix my "problems" and my "flaws" with goals and lists.  Instead, all the time, there God stood with outstretched arms waiting to give me traits and tools to be more like Him.....and all the while wanted to love on me while He did it.  


The immediate application of this issue is my "birth plan".  After being induced twice, I had dreams of going into labor on my own.  I want to do it naturally. I want it to go perfect, even if it is painful, and I want to do it God's way. I want to do it slowly, without intervention.  I just wanted to have it my way...and the way that God intended it to be.  But here is the thing.  I am not purely positive on what His way is.  He has given me a wonderful and wise doctor.  He made my body in His image. It isn't it its best shape:), but it is created well by the Creator.  He is in control of Miss Vivi....I know this- but He is also in control of me.  I have to surrender my plan. I simply must present my desire to my Father. The Father that cares for me, provides for me, has love and passion and fire for what is important to me.  I trust Him....He says He will give me the desires of my heart...and I have made clear to Him my desire. I will trust that He will do what is best for me even if it not what I desire....because He is always the same....always good.  


So I have decided to be out of control. To ask the Savior of the World what He wants to do and follow Him into it. It will take patience and self-control. It will take faithfulness.  But, because of His love for me, I am able to receive it.....I will not be making anymore lists...unless it is of things that I hear Him speaking over me.  As I write this moment, He is telling me that I am "funny" and that He "enjoys me".......is there anything more beautiful than being loved?  Sigh.  


~"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us" -Jesus Culture