Ten Years of Being a Mommy......

My oldest turns 10 today....

Yep...There she is...in all her glory.

She was born at 9:08 this evening 10 years ago after 16 hours of induction.  I was 19, unmarried, and scared.

I love hindsight. I would actually prefer to live in hindsight forever.  It is so much clearer....like the last 2 chapters of a good novel that tie up the loose ends so gracefully.  Sometimes, at the end of a good novel, you get a good hint of what is to come....as sequel- more.  This is where I was the night that Jaden was born.....with a glimpse of hindsight and a good hint at what was to come.

It is pretty easy for me to see back down the road I have walked thus far.  I see the hills and paved places...times where I coasted- no pedaling- hands raised- hair blowing.  I remember the trudging, the potholes, the gaps and canyons between where I was and where I wanted to be.

But mostly, on that road, I see Jaden.  I see the baby born to a baby.  I can see us growing up together...her teaching me, me teaching her.  It is almost impossible for me to remember back before she was here.  She has become as much a part of who I am....yet, she is herself...her own person with her own will, spirit, choices, future.  I am learning, still, to walk beside the baby I have carried so long.  It isn't easy.

I have long stated that God gives us children to teach us what we need to learn- like a giant mirror to reflect the rough edges that need sanding....a hi-liter to indicate the places where we need Him.

I pray that I continue to grow and change and mother....but I also pray that I do it with patience, humility and grace.

The best news.....

boy or girl?

Our baby- at 16 1/2 weeks is as healthy as can be.  THAT is the best news ever.

At our appointment this week, little one was kicking, stretching, jumping, waving, dancing....the head circumference was perfect....the little baby was perfect.
I am also pleased to say that things that usually occur in my pregnancies are not occurring. I have zero high blood pressure which I have had with all other 3 pregnancies....I am not gaining too much or too little....I have had zero infections...no heartburn(yet lol)......It has been so different.

So, we are praising God for health.  At that appointment, I knew I was past 16 weeks. I also knew that I was getting an ultrasound. So, Will made sure he was there and we took both kids.....we were stoked to find out what we were having...and I was dying to know.

As I stated previously, I have had trouble connecting to this baby. I usually bond very early, and I have eagerly awaited the connection to take place...at 8 weeks.....after the first ultrasound.......at 12 weeks......after the 1st trimester screenings...when I felt kicks......
It wasn't happening....and I was dying to be connected. I just knew that knowing if this baby was a boy or girl would do it.....I could envision them...call them by name.......talk to him/her.  It would help.

However, the doc wasn't ready to determine sex. He kindly prodded us to wait until our 20 week anatomy scan- no big deal.  He pointed out his opinion about error in determination.  He was sweet about it, but persistent.

I held back the tears until we made it to the car. We had driven separate and as the kids and I exited the parking garage I lost it.   Jaden understood.....was disappointed along with me and encouraged me to wait. She is so much braver than me.  I was heartbroken to wait 4 long weeks.  And I was embarrassed to care so much. Had I not just seen my healthy baby on the screen 10 minutes ago? Had I not been blessed beyond comprehension? Was I that demanding and impatient? yes.

I knew that all I had to do was call the private sonogram company in the area and make an appointment. I knew that Will would support me. I just didn't know if it was right.
Was I circumventing God's plan for me by making an appointment? Would I miss out on something I was meant to learn- a growing moment.  Was I simply being an impatient brat?   Would my doctor be mad that I had not heeded his advice....or obeyed him?

I made the appointment.  I made it because it wasn't wrong to do so.  I made it because I wanted to connect to this baby. I made it to avoid the stress and sadness of being disconnected.  I made it- and it was the best $99 I ever spent.

I cannot fully explain to you what all I saw- but I can tell you what stood out the most:
Bent knees.  Legs that flexed all the way in- knee to nose....and then extended in a kick.......coming back to rest in Indian style....and then to kick again.
Branson's legs had not moved- had not bent......we spent those 5 weeks watching as she remained mostly still- as her legs remained outstretched.
Jesus continues to reveal to me the magnitude of what was both physically and mentally wrong in her sweet body- and although I may never have a name or diagnosis, I am coming to fully understand the mercy that she endured by being taken home.

So, the ultrasound tech pointed out the obvious lack of certain body parts and my heart leapt at the thought of a sweet little girl in our house. I can't begin to explain the emotions- but can only tell you that it seems so right.

I sang to her the whole way home....The connection was immediate, and I have yet to stop floating.
I am praising God for what He has already done, but more than anything, I cannot wait to see what He is doing.  This baby seems to have destiny....and it is the Person that I am excited to meet, not the baby.

PS: Eason is still warming up to the idea of having a girl...he had his heart set on a brother:)

16 1/2 weeks.

Beginning.......

I have had trouble connecting....
Anyone that knows me can tell you....I immediately attach to unborn babies.  As soon as someone is pregnant- as soon as I am pregnant, I begin talking, chatting, singing to these babies.  They immediately have personality, and I am filled with hopes and dreams for them from the very start.

I have struggled with this in this pregnancy.  I pray for this baby. I think about him or her.  I talk... I wish....I speak of....

But I have struggled with the same kind of attachment that I usually have and I know this mostly based on one obvious gap in this pregnancy- The journal.

For each of my children, even the two I have lost, I have a pregnancy journal.  It chronicles the finding out, the family reactions, the physical effects, the hopes the dreams and the connections pre-birth with my sweet baby.  Jaden's is thick....full of pleadings to the Lord, confusions, confessions and full-on submisssion to the path my life was about to take.  Amelia's is thin- simply outlining our excitement, our plans and then our words to her as she left us.  Eason's is as heroic a pregnancy journal has ever been- we were deep with excitement and anticipation, and there were two of us to write...... Branson's begins much like that- excited words from her daddy calling her "little girl" from day 1.  There are prayers and dreams and messages from her big sister.  The entries became pleas to the Lord, begs for mercy, prayers for healing and ultimately submission to His perfect will.

I have meant to start one.  In my mind, I told myself I would wait until the 8 week appt...then the 12 week appt....and here I am: almost 16 weeks.....
I am longing for connection for a gender, a name- a clear face photo...anything that God may use to break through the wall of fear around my heart.

We have struggled with names, but God has made a personality trait clear to me: this baby is spunky.

Spunky.  That was straight from my Father.  That this child had a sort of clear-focused energy.  So, because my Jesus led me there, I follow- knowing that He is leading me and teaching me as quickly as I can "get it"...(There IS a reason He moves slowly sometimes (;    )

I will begin the journal this weekend.

God has plans....

So, I know that it is an obvious statement.  God has plans.
He does. But, sometimes I forget that I am a part of His plan instead of Him being the overseer of my plans.  Very often I find myself presenting my plan to the Father and asking Him to bless it....knowing that I have not even "consulted" Him during the plan-making process.

I am learning to sit....to wait....to rest.....to stop planning.  
It is the hardest lesson I have ever had to learn....because, at times, I feel unprepared, lazy, or even stupid.
I have always planned.

My plan for this baby: To be High Risk....to get to see the Dr. every two weeks, if not more.....to have constant reassurance....a team of Drs watching my baby.  To have, though, a perfect pregnancy and then a perfect baby. :) Not a bad plan....just not God's.

After agreeing to the first trimester screening, I got to see the high risk docs, the same ones that delivered Branson.  There was something calming and sweet about seeing the people that had seen my Branson.  We wanted the screening and the blood tests so that if there was a marker, my kids would know their medical history when they went to have kids.....Our scan was perfect, with a bouncing baby with a perfect heartbeat.  The blood test results came back great.  Good news, right?

So, the high risk docs don't need to see me anymore.....at all.  I am not high risk......for real?

I am currently in the middle of the dreaded 4 week waiting process to see the doctor again....4 weeks is an eternity...it really is.

It isn't that I don't want to be a part of God's plans.....It isn't that I don't trust Him...
It is pride.  Sometimes I simply and stupidly think my plan is better.....I know.......stupid.

Pray for patience and submission to His will.......

Pray for an unexpected glitch in the calendar that makes October 20th come quicker so we can find out sooner if this is a boy or a girl! ( just kidding...pray for patience)

Johnna

making a space....

It is a new feeling.
It creates anxiety in a peaceful vacuum, starts arguments in your heart, gives you the shivers......
It is a place where the enemy has never attacked before.... like the soft, fleshy underside of  the chin- unprotected by armor.

It is peace.

It has always been easy to trust and obey during the easy times.....during the times of peace and favor....when you feel the Lord's blessing on you like the first hot day in March.  It was always the dark times where I struggled to see and find my way back to my Abba's lap.

But now, in the midst of the sunshine...now, experiencing the blessing I find myself reluctant to trust- knowing full and well that there is NOTHING else to do but trust....I still find myself shaken.

I feel like this tree....It has been uprooted only to take root again and survive...Its limbs sink low to the ground and it looks rough....It sure isn't "standing" the way a tree should.  But it still survives because its roots sought the very thing necessary for survival. On top of that, God intended it survive...so it did.

I will be this tree, ugly and sideways if I need to be.  First, I will understand and be thankful that God intended me to survive..and I will continue to search for His nourishment even when it is hard...as I daily confess my fear and mistrust to Him.

I mean look at this tree.....It is rough.  But at the same time, it is magnificent.  I will gladly lower my branches in His honor and glory.....
Besides, now the tree, as am I, is more perfect for kids to play on.....:)

Surrender......

These are the hands of surrender.  

I have spent the last 8 months learning how to walk around with my hands in the air....how to be in surrender to a perfect will I did not understand. I have been walking in reverence and submission to a bigger plan, a larger picture.....a plan that my Jesus formulated that is far above my ability to understand most days.  

It has taken months to even learn this walk....and I haven't even felt like I "got it".  Each prayer has been about my surrender.  Each praise to the Father is about the fact that He has it in His hands.  Each fear has been that if He did not, I would be dead in the water.....hopeless, bitter....angrier.  

Learning to walk this way has only increased my humility, humbled my "knowledge" and increased my faith in what is unseen. I have no answers. I don't know why God chose to heal the leper and not my sweet girl.  I do not know why we have experienced the amount of death in our family that we have this year...7 in the last year....... I don't know any of it....but I know who He is...and I know He loves me....and I know that I will continue to surrender....

Here is what I did NOT know:

The same hands that reach out in surrender to the Almighty....those are the same hands that wait for blessing.

Look at them...... See the outstretched arms....the extended fingers and palms cupped to receive.  

I didn't know.

I didn't know that this whole walk...this entire climb...I had been walking in submission and surrender with my hands awaiting His blessing as well.  

And it has come.....

And I am having trouble receiving it.

I'm just being honest.

I will wait...with cupped hands....I will hold His blessing out in my hands raised to Him for He means to work in me, through me...like a river flowing in and through and around all that I am.

The approaching fall...

As I write, the kids are outside building a fort in the pasture....at least, I think they still are.................................... Yep, they are.  It is pitiful...but I have resisted the urge to help them. I want Jaden to step up a little. To get creative and lead her brother a little more.  I also want him to pitch in.  He sure is the baby. He loves to be done for.

So far, we have done 1 1/2 weeks of school....and so far, so good.  Jaden is becoming very self-motivated. I am outlining and preparing her tasks the night before, and she is doing them well the next morning. Eason's day is a little more flexible with a few more play breaks and much more attention:) We have done some fun science lessons and puzzles.  Jaden had her first day of Co-op last week and really enjoyed it.  There is so much pressure off of my shoulders compared to this time last fall. It is as if the Lord has really paved the road when it comes to the kids and school. It is nice to feel the relief and the relaxation.  It is a sweet blessing.

My heart is full.  It is almost swollen.  I am struggling...no lie.  I am almost unable to feel all the emotions I am feeling at once.  It comes out in jumbles.  It gets mixed up between my heart and my mouth.  My fear comes out in anger, my anger in tears, my expectation as worry.....It is hard for me to keep up with what I am truly feeling and how I am acting.  This I do know. I am NOT acting well.  I am moody.  I have not been very nice. I have been demanding.  If I were Will, I would have tied me up in a bed sheet and dropped me at my mother's house.....because I have been acting 13....really, I have.

I want space....lots of it.
In space, I am allowed to have my unorganized thoughts....no definitions are required for my feelings. I can be just a little bit numb.  

Outside of the relationship, I can just think about me. I can allow myself to just focus on not focusing.


Without someone reflecting my actions, I can reflect anything I want to the outside world. 


The desire for isolation is understandable...but dangerous.  It is selfish...It is outside of God's calling for me.
So, I must figure out how to love my husband well- even when I want him to stay at least 20 feet away:) I have to remember the season- the plan - the big picture- who has carried me when I was falling.
Remember? Remember when I said I didn't want to lose the feeling of needing him so much? I wrote it. I knew how easy it could be to lose sight of NEEDING my husband...of NEEDING my Jesus.  I have abandoned my God in peacetime before. I remember the danger of walking out of His fortress walls... and it is just as dangerous to walk out of the intimate walls of my marriage as well.....

So pray that I remain intimately connected during the next few months.- That I do not allow worry or selfishness or fear to drive me to isolation.

I will leave you with a picture of the little fort my kids built......so cute.