God has plans....

So, I know that it is an obvious statement.  God has plans.
He does. But, sometimes I forget that I am a part of His plan instead of Him being the overseer of my plans.  Very often I find myself presenting my plan to the Father and asking Him to bless it....knowing that I have not even "consulted" Him during the plan-making process.

I am learning to sit....to wait....to rest.....to stop planning.  
It is the hardest lesson I have ever had to learn....because, at times, I feel unprepared, lazy, or even stupid.
I have always planned.

My plan for this baby: To be High Risk....to get to see the Dr. every two weeks, if not more.....to have constant reassurance....a team of Drs watching my baby.  To have, though, a perfect pregnancy and then a perfect baby. :) Not a bad plan....just not God's.

After agreeing to the first trimester screening, I got to see the high risk docs, the same ones that delivered Branson.  There was something calming and sweet about seeing the people that had seen my Branson.  We wanted the screening and the blood tests so that if there was a marker, my kids would know their medical history when they went to have kids.....Our scan was perfect, with a bouncing baby with a perfect heartbeat.  The blood test results came back great.  Good news, right?

So, the high risk docs don't need to see me anymore.....at all.  I am not high risk......for real?

I am currently in the middle of the dreaded 4 week waiting process to see the doctor again....4 weeks is an eternity...it really is.

It isn't that I don't want to be a part of God's plans.....It isn't that I don't trust Him...
It is pride.  Sometimes I simply and stupidly think my plan is better.....I know.......stupid.

Pray for patience and submission to His will.......

Pray for an unexpected glitch in the calendar that makes October 20th come quicker so we can find out sooner if this is a boy or a girl! ( just kidding...pray for patience)

Johnna

making a space....

It is a new feeling.
It creates anxiety in a peaceful vacuum, starts arguments in your heart, gives you the shivers......
It is a place where the enemy has never attacked before.... like the soft, fleshy underside of  the chin- unprotected by armor.

It is peace.

It has always been easy to trust and obey during the easy times.....during the times of peace and favor....when you feel the Lord's blessing on you like the first hot day in March.  It was always the dark times where I struggled to see and find my way back to my Abba's lap.

But now, in the midst of the sunshine...now, experiencing the blessing I find myself reluctant to trust- knowing full and well that there is NOTHING else to do but trust....I still find myself shaken.

I feel like this tree....It has been uprooted only to take root again and survive...Its limbs sink low to the ground and it looks rough....It sure isn't "standing" the way a tree should.  But it still survives because its roots sought the very thing necessary for survival. On top of that, God intended it survive...so it did.

I will be this tree, ugly and sideways if I need to be.  First, I will understand and be thankful that God intended me to survive..and I will continue to search for His nourishment even when it is hard...as I daily confess my fear and mistrust to Him.

I mean look at this tree.....It is rough.  But at the same time, it is magnificent.  I will gladly lower my branches in His honor and glory.....
Besides, now the tree, as am I, is more perfect for kids to play on.....:)

Surrender......

These are the hands of surrender.  

I have spent the last 8 months learning how to walk around with my hands in the air....how to be in surrender to a perfect will I did not understand. I have been walking in reverence and submission to a bigger plan, a larger picture.....a plan that my Jesus formulated that is far above my ability to understand most days.  

It has taken months to even learn this walk....and I haven't even felt like I "got it".  Each prayer has been about my surrender.  Each praise to the Father is about the fact that He has it in His hands.  Each fear has been that if He did not, I would be dead in the water.....hopeless, bitter....angrier.  

Learning to walk this way has only increased my humility, humbled my "knowledge" and increased my faith in what is unseen. I have no answers. I don't know why God chose to heal the leper and not my sweet girl.  I do not know why we have experienced the amount of death in our family that we have this year...7 in the last year....... I don't know any of it....but I know who He is...and I know He loves me....and I know that I will continue to surrender....

Here is what I did NOT know:

The same hands that reach out in surrender to the Almighty....those are the same hands that wait for blessing.

Look at them...... See the outstretched arms....the extended fingers and palms cupped to receive.  

I didn't know.

I didn't know that this whole walk...this entire climb...I had been walking in submission and surrender with my hands awaiting His blessing as well.  

And it has come.....

And I am having trouble receiving it.

I'm just being honest.

I will wait...with cupped hands....I will hold His blessing out in my hands raised to Him for He means to work in me, through me...like a river flowing in and through and around all that I am.

The approaching fall...

As I write, the kids are outside building a fort in the pasture....at least, I think they still are.................................... Yep, they are.  It is pitiful...but I have resisted the urge to help them. I want Jaden to step up a little. To get creative and lead her brother a little more.  I also want him to pitch in.  He sure is the baby. He loves to be done for.

So far, we have done 1 1/2 weeks of school....and so far, so good.  Jaden is becoming very self-motivated. I am outlining and preparing her tasks the night before, and she is doing them well the next morning. Eason's day is a little more flexible with a few more play breaks and much more attention:) We have done some fun science lessons and puzzles.  Jaden had her first day of Co-op last week and really enjoyed it.  There is so much pressure off of my shoulders compared to this time last fall. It is as if the Lord has really paved the road when it comes to the kids and school. It is nice to feel the relief and the relaxation.  It is a sweet blessing.

My heart is full.  It is almost swollen.  I am struggling...no lie.  I am almost unable to feel all the emotions I am feeling at once.  It comes out in jumbles.  It gets mixed up between my heart and my mouth.  My fear comes out in anger, my anger in tears, my expectation as worry.....It is hard for me to keep up with what I am truly feeling and how I am acting.  This I do know. I am NOT acting well.  I am moody.  I have not been very nice. I have been demanding.  If I were Will, I would have tied me up in a bed sheet and dropped me at my mother's house.....because I have been acting 13....really, I have.

I want space....lots of it.
In space, I am allowed to have my unorganized thoughts....no definitions are required for my feelings. I can be just a little bit numb.  

Outside of the relationship, I can just think about me. I can allow myself to just focus on not focusing.


Without someone reflecting my actions, I can reflect anything I want to the outside world. 


The desire for isolation is understandable...but dangerous.  It is selfish...It is outside of God's calling for me.
So, I must figure out how to love my husband well- even when I want him to stay at least 20 feet away:) I have to remember the season- the plan - the big picture- who has carried me when I was falling.
Remember? Remember when I said I didn't want to lose the feeling of needing him so much? I wrote it. I knew how easy it could be to lose sight of NEEDING my husband...of NEEDING my Jesus.  I have abandoned my God in peacetime before. I remember the danger of walking out of His fortress walls... and it is just as dangerous to walk out of the intimate walls of my marriage as well.....

So pray that I remain intimately connected during the next few months.- That I do not allow worry or selfishness or fear to drive me to isolation.

I will leave you with a picture of the little fort my kids built......so cute.

So.....I am awake.....and really tired.  Something tells me that I shouldn't be blogging.
Anyway.


These words keep coming to my head as I lay in my bed and listen to my husband saw logs....(he doesn't really snore.  However, his breathing is VERY annoying when he is sleeping and I am NOT)

I'm laying me down

Reaching for Your hand.

You're pulling me up

You're making me stand.... *

Yep, I wrote that.  Hold the applause.

I get that it is simple....the point is that Jesus put it in my head and it has been circling in there for almost 5 hours now.  It is just a small picture of where I am....me in a nutshell.

(ahhhh, I am trapped in a really large nutshell......some of you got that)

I am going to head back to bed now...knowing that I will lay there for another hour.....but praying for my baby....who is the size of an olive...Crap! I said I wasn't gonna do that!

Goodnight:) 

*JoJo Rains has dibs on these lyrics.

What is next?

So here I sit....amazed at the Love of Jesus and basking in the glow of pregnancy again....
You can imagine the anger of the enemy at this point.....the lies that he throws my way, the amount of time each day I find myself saying Jesus' name.....


This is exactly where my Jesus wants me and I am gladly wrapped in His arms.  


As for the fate of the blog, I can only tell you what I will not do......
I will not detail and dialogue my entire pregnancy. 
You will not be hearing complaints about morning sickness or heartburn or soreness.
I will not tell you what type of fruit this baby is measuring at week by week.


It isn't that I won't be doing these things or keeping up with this baby's growth or even enjoying my pregnancy.  It isn't that I won't be throwing up or popping tums or using a heating pad.....
It is just that this child, our marriage, the sanctity of life itself....it is all so much bigger than me.  It is all so much more than baby registries or showers or sonograms....I just want to be the vessel....to be this child's mama....to walk the road I am meant to walk......


I am excited....I am scared. This will be the theme of the blog......because it has always been the theme.


Johnna

An Important Message from Johnna and Will and family

He is Faithful

Please watch the video below: