The approaching fall...

As I write, the kids are outside building a fort in the pasture....at least, I think they still are.................................... Yep, they are.  It is pitiful...but I have resisted the urge to help them. I want Jaden to step up a little. To get creative and lead her brother a little more.  I also want him to pitch in.  He sure is the baby. He loves to be done for.

So far, we have done 1 1/2 weeks of school....and so far, so good.  Jaden is becoming very self-motivated. I am outlining and preparing her tasks the night before, and she is doing them well the next morning. Eason's day is a little more flexible with a few more play breaks and much more attention:) We have done some fun science lessons and puzzles.  Jaden had her first day of Co-op last week and really enjoyed it.  There is so much pressure off of my shoulders compared to this time last fall. It is as if the Lord has really paved the road when it comes to the kids and school. It is nice to feel the relief and the relaxation.  It is a sweet blessing.

My heart is full.  It is almost swollen.  I am struggling...no lie.  I am almost unable to feel all the emotions I am feeling at once.  It comes out in jumbles.  It gets mixed up between my heart and my mouth.  My fear comes out in anger, my anger in tears, my expectation as worry.....It is hard for me to keep up with what I am truly feeling and how I am acting.  This I do know. I am NOT acting well.  I am moody.  I have not been very nice. I have been demanding.  If I were Will, I would have tied me up in a bed sheet and dropped me at my mother's house.....because I have been acting 13....really, I have.

I want space....lots of it.
In space, I am allowed to have my unorganized thoughts....no definitions are required for my feelings. I can be just a little bit numb.  

Outside of the relationship, I can just think about me. I can allow myself to just focus on not focusing.


Without someone reflecting my actions, I can reflect anything I want to the outside world. 


The desire for isolation is understandable...but dangerous.  It is selfish...It is outside of God's calling for me.
So, I must figure out how to love my husband well- even when I want him to stay at least 20 feet away:) I have to remember the season- the plan - the big picture- who has carried me when I was falling.
Remember? Remember when I said I didn't want to lose the feeling of needing him so much? I wrote it. I knew how easy it could be to lose sight of NEEDING my husband...of NEEDING my Jesus.  I have abandoned my God in peacetime before. I remember the danger of walking out of His fortress walls... and it is just as dangerous to walk out of the intimate walls of my marriage as well.....

So pray that I remain intimately connected during the next few months.- That I do not allow worry or selfishness or fear to drive me to isolation.

I will leave you with a picture of the little fort my kids built......so cute.

So.....I am awake.....and really tired.  Something tells me that I shouldn't be blogging.
Anyway.


These words keep coming to my head as I lay in my bed and listen to my husband saw logs....(he doesn't really snore.  However, his breathing is VERY annoying when he is sleeping and I am NOT)

I'm laying me down

Reaching for Your hand.

You're pulling me up

You're making me stand.... *

Yep, I wrote that.  Hold the applause.

I get that it is simple....the point is that Jesus put it in my head and it has been circling in there for almost 5 hours now.  It is just a small picture of where I am....me in a nutshell.

(ahhhh, I am trapped in a really large nutshell......some of you got that)

I am going to head back to bed now...knowing that I will lay there for another hour.....but praying for my baby....who is the size of an olive...Crap! I said I wasn't gonna do that!

Goodnight:) 

*JoJo Rains has dibs on these lyrics.

What is next?

So here I sit....amazed at the Love of Jesus and basking in the glow of pregnancy again....
You can imagine the anger of the enemy at this point.....the lies that he throws my way, the amount of time each day I find myself saying Jesus' name.....


This is exactly where my Jesus wants me and I am gladly wrapped in His arms.  


As for the fate of the blog, I can only tell you what I will not do......
I will not detail and dialogue my entire pregnancy. 
You will not be hearing complaints about morning sickness or heartburn or soreness.
I will not tell you what type of fruit this baby is measuring at week by week.


It isn't that I won't be doing these things or keeping up with this baby's growth or even enjoying my pregnancy.  It isn't that I won't be throwing up or popping tums or using a heating pad.....
It is just that this child, our marriage, the sanctity of life itself....it is all so much bigger than me.  It is all so much more than baby registries or showers or sonograms....I just want to be the vessel....to be this child's mama....to walk the road I am meant to walk......


I am excited....I am scared. This will be the theme of the blog......because it has always been the theme.


Johnna

An Important Message from Johnna and Will and family

He is Faithful

Please watch the video below:

Taking the week off....

nope, not here.

An experiment or retreat...call it what you want...
But I am taking the week off from blogging.....
I am curious to see what will happen.....
I am even banning myself from my own journal.

I am a big girl. Surely I can process internally, right? Let's hope so. Hopefully, I will remain kind and refrain from any withdrawal-induced "lashing out".......

Peace...TTYS:)

Johnna

From the heart of Jaden Lily

The "not knowing", as I call it, makes the road each of us walk adventurous. It also makes it scary, dangerous and out of our control.  It amazes me that God knew this when He gave us our will and freedom to choose- knowing we did not have his omniscience or wisdom.  We can choose all we want....all day long.....what we don't know. awesome.....


 
It lends itself to leaning, huh. It creates a moment of willing submission.  It keeps us heeled at our Savior's feet.  Have you ever watched an dog being walked....?  Look at these pictures:


Are you seeing that fluffy, white thing trying to be the leader. At some point, you want to scream at the fluffball and say, "come on.....there is this leash....and the purpose of this leash is to keep you from going too fast, going over there, getting hurt....etc.  Don't you feel that strangling burning on your neck? ouch. stop. You are not the leader....give up. rest.
This other picture. Sigh......Are you seeing what I am getting at? To walk at the feet of your master. To not have to decide where is safe...to feel the freedom and the slack around your neck.......What a picture of where I am longing to remain always.


My hindsight is excellent.  Maybe yours is as well.  I have been praying for God's shelter and wisdom as we walk into new things as a family. Deaths, Change, Purpose, Serving, Our Family.....I want to look ahead and remember what He has already done.  The point of history is to LEARN.....I want to be wise....to have learned....to look to the future like the wise old man in the porch swing who recalls a similar instance in his past from which he draws.....I want to remember.


As we were riding in the car a few days ago, Jaden says to me:


Mom, I can't believe it is almost August.  I can't believe that we are at this place. I never thought there would be a day that went by that we didn't just cry about losing Branson.  Remember, mom? Remember what it was like after she died.  We would just cry in the car and in our prayers and during the day. Remember that we just felt like it would always be that way? But I remembered that when Papa died I felt that way, too.  But God made us laugh again...even when we thought we never would.  So, I knew He could.  I just wondered if we would be ok, and look.....we are. 


Yes, I know she is exceptional.  I know. I know.  She is also the blessing I found at the end of another road where there was a lot of "not knowing".......  I want to always be in the place where I understand that I can do nothing without Him.....I want to always stay here.


Lord, tether my heart to yours. Bind me so tightly to your heels that I remain dependent on you even when the sun is shining...even when my flesh feels no need.  Let me rest in the freedom of being safe beside you.  Never let my heart forget your goodness, your faithfulness and that you led us though the valley of the shadow......Amen.

What is choking you....

Today I am overwhelmed with the amount of things that come between me and my Jesus....both things that I have put there and things that the enemy would use to distract me ...  These are the things that Jesus battles daily to get to me.  Sometimes, it is easy to misinterpret how our Jesus relates to us.  


Yesterday, God reminded me of His unrelenting pursuit of me. He is not sitting piously on a throne watching me struggle and fight through the enemy to get to Him.....He is constantly pursuing and showing His face to me.  He is battling, He is drawing me near to Him always.  Usually, the things that cause me to feel separated from Him or far from Him are the things I have actually put in my life and distractions that the enemy uses as well.

These are the two trees in my front yard. I love them. One of the main reasons that I loved our house were these two trees covered in English Ivy.  However, after living in the house a few months, I noticed that that beautiful ivy was choking the life out of my beautiful trees.  I knew the ivy had to come down.  On mother's day this year, a hard day for me in remembering Branson, I spent two hours cutting and pulling the ivy away from these giant tree trunks.  




Within a few days, the remaining ivy that was too high was dead.  I had removed its source, rescued the tree.  These trees are outside my front window.  I am constantly reminded of these trees and what they represent for me.  They were being choked to death. They needed to be rescued.  It took sweat and work to remove the parasitic tethers.  God is wanting to do the same for me...to remove the things in my life that hinder my growth...pride, ignorance, apathy, laziness, impatience.....all for my good..all because He loves me.  


He isn't waiting for me to get "better" to love me. Just like I fell in love with the trees when they were covered in ivy, so Jesus fell in love with me when I was covered in sin.  He rescued me...He rescues me..daily. 


This isn't a "what are your sins? fix them!" message. It is a "yeah, me too...and He is still loving me."


Jaden's Bible Verse for camp today is this:
Romans 8:28...For we all know that in EVERYTHING, God works for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.


He called me and I love Him......He is working for my GOOD...