wishes

The Cross-stitch I began when I found out I was pregnant.
I finished and framed it for our home.
The butterflies hold much more value now....

There was a time that I believed that wishes were evil.  That "hope" and "prayer" were acceptable...righteous, even....but wishes, they were things out of fairy tales. They seemed secular, out of the church-box...


A "wish" is really a verb-
To "wish", according to Webster is to " Feel or express a strong desire or hope for something that is not easily attainable."


I have wished...


I have wished more in the last month than I have actually "prayed"...
a wish is not something made with the mouth(sorry genie)...but a cry of the heart.


...and in no way did this wish leave out the will of my Heavenly Father. 
He invented the wish. Formed my heart into a being that could choose, could think, could feel.


So, did He create me to wish?


No.


He created me human, to walk with Him in the garden, in perfection, in nakedness, without anything being unattainable, with His face in my presence, with my desires met, without pain, without a reason to "desire hope".


But we are not in that garden.  I do not live in perfection...because I, just like Eve, have chosen again and again to walk in my own knowledge, make my own plans, seek my own will.  If I had gazed into the eyes of the serpent, I would most likely have joined forces with him in order to gain control and power....I am selfish. I am sinful.


So welcome to this earth. This beautiful, sinful earth, where God's kingdom is rising, growing, praising His name...but where the enemy continually lurks waiting to take hold of the unprotected areas of our lives. 


Welcome to the tension....between who we are and who we should be.


Although it may not seem like it, let this be encouragement:
that hoping in Him, doubting Him, arguing with Him, banging on His chest, crawling into His lap...they are all part of relationship-
And THAT is what He created you for.




I leave you with a picture of the "reading room"...Branson's former nursery and now our place of refuge(unless I leave my clean clothes in the chair)...It is being used well.....

Her due date

It is midnight and I am wide awake.
I always wonder at times like these if the Lord is keeping me awake for a reason....does He want to meet me here?
I lie in bed.. Trying to sleep, trying not to dream, trying to pray, playing the occasional scrabble game on my phone....

The date on my phone switches when the hour strikes 12....
Today is March 31st.... Branson's due date.
Of course, it changed a few times, April 3rd, April 1st...

I have never put much faith in due dates...they seem a little silly, actually.

But, snuggled here tonight, I cannot help but weep for missing her. She should be here. I should be miserable, achy, begging for sleep,for new life. I should spend the month of April fantastically happy, sleep deprived, breastfeeding, basking in the glow of oohing and ahhing visitors, kissing toes...

I miss her. I can remember her face, smell her skin, remember how she felt in my arms... And I miss her, more tonight than ever.

Such a feeling should make me doubt that God is good-that He ever loved me, loved her.
Yet, this, now, crumpled and broken, arguing with Him in the dead of night- is the most loved I have ever felt...

"blessed are those who mourn"

A Glimpse

a vision of a pathway,
a door creaking open slowly,
revealing another room,
a wardrobe hiding an adventure.


I strain my eyes, squinting hard to see- 


light,
purpose,
hope,
glory.


through the fog of inconsistency,
the vague mysteries that feed doubt, I squint....


as night gives way to the rising sun, 
as rain gives way to a clearer sky, 
as stones and dirt give way to erupting flowers, 
as bitterness gives way to a forgiving touch- 
softening


so shall I....


Your glory will bloom in me. 
Your purpose will be revealed- snow and ice melting
At Your roar, 
the broken pieces of my heart will be held in the scarred pits of your hands.


So be it.




 - Johnna Bullard 
3/29/11




"A poem ends in a clarification of life- a momentary stay against confusion"- Robert Frost

It has been over a month....

There is no way of knowing how well I am doing. No benchmark, number, scale, grade or rubric to measure the value of my progress.. Our progress.
So, when I am asked how I am, I usually respond with a generic "fine", but for once I am not lying.
I am fine.
I am not bad or good.
I am fine.

By putting a month between Branson's death and today, I am acknowledging the existence of time.. Of movement.... Or life being lived.

God is faithful.
I have hope.. Actual hope.

Can I ask a favor? Will you pray for clarity? Pray for doors to open and doors to close, for peace and oneness as a couple as we parent and plan... For health and rest for our thoughts and minds... For God to complete the work He began in those that have heard and stored her story in their hearts...

I believe You will come......

My soul yearns for you in the night; my spirit within me earnestly seeks you. For when your judgments are in the earth, the inhabitants of the world learn righteousness.  Isaiah 26:9......




He is coming for me.  There is this place inside me that knows that just over the hill, just across the stream, just beyond the clearing my King runs after me.  He battles through evil, slays dragons, climbs mountains to get to me.  


Sometimes I find myself running towards Him.  Sometimes I simply sit in the middle of the field, broken...waiting.  Regardless of what I am doing, HE continues to press forward towards me.  He loves me....He gave Himself for me.  


Even when it rains, even when I am unlovable, even when I cannot see beyond the blind hill...He is there.  

"My soul longs for you, nothing else will do" 

-Jesus Culture

How long, O Lord?

How long, O Lord, will you look on?
-Psalm 35:17 


The days are longer.  There is more sunshine.  It is warm and we can be outside. Our evenings are busy.  I haven't had to cook dinner.  The kids have been obedient, respectful, easy to manage.  People continue to pour into me- bring me food, keep my kids, send me cards....love on me.....


At what juncture, Lord, will you stitch up the last bit of these wounds?  Will you wait...until my knees are sore with prayer...  Are you yearning for my heart to be at peace, waiting on my tears to stop in faith and full trust of you?  Or are you mending and stitching too slowly and carefully for me to notice....will I awake one morning far into the future to realize that I had not known that you had healed me?  Or will you do it tonight?  I prefer tonight.


God is sending messages to me though people, whether it be a kind word, a card, a book, a sweet note....the messages are confirmations of the ways that the Holy Spirit is speaking to my heart.  If I doubt the Holy Spirit, He is kind enough ( and blunt enough) to send me the message twice, through two very different people.  They are sweet ways He is walking this road with me....and I feel His presence even at my lowest.


Lord....You said that I could ask....that I could present my heart, my desire to you.  I did, and you did not give me the desire of my heart.  When I said "your will" I also said what "I desired"....and You did not give me my desire.  So, I am having trouble asking you for what I desire now.....I am even having trouble knowing what my desire is because I fear it is somehow contrary to your desire.  I want to respect Your will...not fear your plans.


I struggle in the mornings.  When I first awake, and I roll over to see that Will is gone, my heart sinks.  My mind replays the events, the tears, the loss, and for a split second I still feel pregnant even.  That moment, while all of the emotions flood my brain, is still really raw.  The kids come to my room, the day begins and I feel almost unable to breathe until I sit with my Savior.  I have been able to spend more time with Him.  Our daily schedule has been cleared...I am not going to sewing class anymore, or doing the other extra activities.... It has been hard and rather antisocial, but it has guaranteed me more time with the Lord.  


I have not had words to pray so I have been re-using Stormie Omartians "Power of the Praying Wife/Mother" to pray for Will and the kids.  Her words have always been powerful and intentional, but now at a time where I feel like I have so few, it has been essential for me.  


These prayers are more like whines and pleads followed by an "apology" to the Lord for being so whiny....
which usually leads to a bit of giggling at how I must look to my heavenly Father....
which leads to the warm and fuzzys....because I remember His LOVE for me.......all of it....
And then the praise begins....


So....How Long, O Lord?......
I will praise You while I wait.

A message from Jaden and Eason....

If Eason had a blog:
He would say that he is tired of talking about Branson.  He is confident she is in heaven, and he sees no reason for crying.  He says he wanted her to be born so he could hold her and she could be in her bed.  He is mad that he is not gonna be a big brother right now.  He says he is not sad, but he "only cries if you cry."   He is forgiving and accepting of our sadness, but he is ready to move on.
















If Jaden had a blog:

She would say she has heard me talking about giving God the glory and seeing the good and His purpose in this season.  But she would say that SHE has not seen the good, and that SHE has not seen any purpose or reason for Branson not being with us.  She would say she is jealous of the other people having babies and that it isn't "fair".  She would say that she wants us to have another baby, but that she would be "scared the whole time I was pregnant." She would say that she also doesn't want us to have another baby, she just wants Branson. She would say she feels guilty that she goes off and has a good time and forgets about her. She would say she is sad.  








Am I teaching them truth?  I hope so.


( And it is only a matter of time until Jaden Lily has a blog....:)  )