They are all going to leave me.
This was the sentence on my lips as I woke to a midnight dream the other night.
I had actually fallen asleep before midnight, which, if you know me, is a miracle in itself. My mind grew weary of wandering and I actually fell asleep.
I can only remember what happened in the dream right before I woke up- frustrating if you are like me and want to over-analyze your dreams at a later time....
It went something like this:
My six year old says .."mom, why aren't you coming?"
I respond .."They are all going to leave me"
So- I have no idea what it was about. The preceding bits of the dream could have been about groceries or birds or pickles or relatives or dogs or any various subconscious enigma my brain thought up.
But, since I don't know, I have thought and thought and thought about it.
Here is what I learned:
I am a person that has lived in the future most of my life. There was always something to plan, somewhere to go, something interesting on the horizon. This caused me to miss the moments as they were happening, to forget what I had learned from the past (I repeated many mistakes), and to minimize or even ignore the possible future consequences for the present choices.
Only recently have I learned to live in the moment-
and only recently have I learned how quickly those moments are flying by.
My oldest turned twelve. Twelve.
Twelve.
Twellllllvvve.
I am so proud. I stand with wide eyeballs. I want to understand her. I want to get inside her skin. I want to be someone she relates to. It is so hard- so daunting- so important.
In my dream my six year old says "Why aren't you coming?"
The future looms over me, now. I am excited to see their future, but, if you want the truth of my heart- it stumbles backwards from the horizon sometimes. Sometimes the horizon is too much. I want them always to need me- always to want me.
If I don't follow them into their horizon.....
If I just keep them close....
If I live so deep in the moment...
If I control the moments....
If I control them....
If I ask God to control them....
If I tell God to control them...
If I play God.
See how easily I get there?
"They are all going to leave me."
Yes. They are. And I will ok.
I am not God. That narrow line we walk as parents when it comes to control and protection only gets fuzzier and more controversial as they age.... They have their own lives, spirits, relationships, accountabilities. I will not spend my time running between pendulum swings and grasping for control. I will not give up and cast my responsibility aside to remain in my children's good graces.
I will balance.
I can juggle the wisdom of the past, the importance of the present moment and the excitement of the future for the next decade. I can be a parent that is radically in love with my kids enough to admit failure, to get back up, to keep walking and to not be ashamed to shout from the mountain when I am winning. I can do all things because my strength isn't my own. I can share my mess-ups and my outright sin.
I can do that because that is what it takes. That is what it takes to parent. We want them to be responsible and happy and redeemed and confident- to have that "something" that makes them successful? You are that something- their parent, balancing the truth.... That is the indefinable "something" that a child needs to ground themselves and still be able to leap from the asphalt.
The ability to carry wisdom and experience into that bright, bold, bewildering horizon......
"They are all going to leave me"
They will leave me...and I will cheer.
Johnna
